A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Every time I come into the office, my husband is frantically closing windows on the computer. I was wondering about this because he accidentally left a bunch of porn site passwords on the screen one day. I asked him about it and he got somewhat irritated. Then I checked the history on the computer, and he has become a member and accessed a number of sites. Now there are special zipped files hidden everywhere and archived files under the company name, and I came across four DVD's I have never seen before. He's spending an awful lot of time and money on this! I am far from a prude and he knows it, he thinks I'm a little over the top. What's going on here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): wow, this is really interesting. some thoughtful people saying some really thoughtful things. basically, it doesn't matter the kind or extent of the porn, if it's a problem for the wife, then it's a problem. secrecy is generally always going to be a problem, almost bigger than what the secrecy is about in the first place. lies are the same thing, and when a man is a secretive liar-don't know if that will ever change. and that is the bigger issue than the porn itself. he can never be trusted or entirely believed.
A
female
reader, veryhurt +, writes (9 February 2009):
You had better get to this immediately. My husband of 46 years did the same thing but I never suspected he was into this. When I did find out, his world shattered, and he shot himself the very next day. I did not even find out more until after the funeral, only that he was calling a massage parlor. This is the real nitty gritty of it where the real action goes on. He went over the edge. He was a brilliant man, a mentor in the community, and I thought my marriage was perfect. We had 7 children and 13 grandchildren. It was a complete shock to me and anguish to my bones. He did all of the activities that follow this addiction between the hours of 10 AM and 2 PM and was home every nigiht and on weekends. It consumes and destroys in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I'm not sure why so many are asking her "what kind of porn is he watching"..? How can she know if he is hiding it from her? Zipped files and passwords would be indicative
of some pretty heavy duty porn that he is viewing and wants
to clearly keep to himself.
If he had a woman half dressed in his office closet
and kept shutting the door everytime his wife walked in
would you consider it cheating on her or what?
The other thing I can't understand is why so many think that porn is a one-dimensional thing like it used to be. It's not a magazine or even a computer website anymore, not with live cams and shared access folders! That means porn can evolve from harmless viewing into real time relationships.
If you want to tell if he's addicted or not, just pitch the computer and watch his reaction.
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female
reader, wisdomwoman +, writes (9 July 2008):
I think the word addiction comes with a negative slant, that automatically makes you think of something terribly wrong. Like Alcohol addiction, drug addiction, etc. But if we can't live without something, is it neccesarily Bad? We must have oxygen,we must have food, we must have love. There are so many things that can affect one's mind about "what is wrong here"... take a look inside yourself, and find what you are feeling when you think about the action your husband takes. Without passing judgement that there's something wrong, that He is doing something Bad.... contemplate what really hurts you about this. Is it your heart, your gut, does it hit sorrow, insecurity, anger, unloved feelings, power issues. These are all very real and important feelings, and worth the time and attention to uncover. I have found through a very long process, with feelings such as these- hey I'm beautiful, sexy, always interested in sex.... why does he have to look elsewhere so much.... Do not actually compute with what my man's feelings are. To him it's part of his freedom, sexuality, adult entertainment.... it's not easy to accept, it can be a difficult path, but one thing is certain. There will always be changes to deal with in life. If not this, something else. If you focus on being more loving and accepting, that is what you will get in return. In the end... your greatest gift is the love you give.
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male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Addictions are another matter.
If he is willing to admit that he has this addiction (and apparently he has), maybe he is willing to try some counseling to see what need this addiction is fulfilling in his life, and how else he might get these needs met in a way that would not be hurtful to you. It's a place to start.
Eventually, he may reach a point where his only alternative will be to give up porn entirely. Like alcohol or drugs, some people just can't handle porn "just a little", and need to stay away from it. As with alcohol and drugs, there are 12-step programs (based on Alcoholics Anonymous) that deal with recovery from addictions like this.
But see if you can get him to try counseling, either with you or by himself, as a first step toward solving this problem. The two of you have apparently taken the (HUGE!!!) first step, admitting there IS a problem. Now see if you can take the next logical step toward a solution, working together in a spirit of love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK guys, we talked about it last night, and it is an admitted addiction. He claims to get online when he is under stress to "turn off his head". Still, that leaves me out in the cold. I have always been pretty adventurous, so it isn't a case of him not getting the appropriate attention to this matter, it is definitely something else. Now to respond to a couple of you, I wasn't trying to sound bitchy last night, so that comment was unneccessary, as was the snippy comment. You wanted more information, so I gave it to. It is not always the case when men start doing strange things with the internet that it's because they aren't getting it at home. Most married couples enjoy some porn together, as a unit. That is a blanket excuse and usually used when there is no other plausible explanation. What do you say when someone IS getting it at home, in the manner he/she secretly wants, and STILL wanders into the wild blue yonders of cyberspace?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): It sounds to me that you are being more than reasonable about this and giving him an excellent sex life with you. While I believe that porn is normal and not a problem in itself and will defend this, I do believe that it has probably risen to the level of an addiction for him. Porn is fine until it interferes with ones daily activities or their sex life with their partner. It appears that both of these are true in this case.
It sounds like you are a lot like my wife and open to just about anything that isn’t uncomfortable or hurts. Most men would be more than happy to have a partner like you. It also sounds like you have no problem with a reasonable amount of porn, as long as it does not interfere with your lives or actually adds to it.
I have watched porn for over 40 years. The vast majority of those years I have watched it 1 or 2 hours a week, many times with my wife. However, about 10 or 15 years ago our sex life was not nearly as great as it was during our first 10 or so years or as good as it is now and I would watch it sometimes 2 or 3 hours at night before bed. We were stressed from both of us working stressful jobs and would argue and it was just easier for me to get my sex from porn than spend the effort to get my wife ready and she wasn’t in the mood at all many times. I didn’t spend money on it, but I was watching it a lot. After my wife stopped working about 8 years ago, our sex life got better again and the porn viewing went back down again. Our sex life has been great the past year since I retired, with experimenting with vibrators and light bondage (fur handcuffs) sometimes and I only spend maybe half an hour per week watching porn now. It is usually big boobed women while my wife is sitting close by and she will look and say, “Ooh, I wish I had those.”
You sound a lot like my wife, so he has no reason to spend as much time on porn as he is doing. The thing that was different when our sex life was not as good was that we didn’t talk about it much. We used to communicate about our feelings and do again since our lives are less stressful. As others have said, you need to talk to him about this. Communication is the only way to solve problems like this. If communication cannot solve this problem then counseling is probably the only answer. If he is doing this all of a sudden then it is for a reason. You have to find out the reason from him. It doesn’t sound like it is because you aren’t giving him enough sex or enough interesting sex, so it must be something else. I can’t even make an intelligent guess to what that might be. You said that you were going to talk to him. That is the place to start. Good luck and keep us informed.
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male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (8 July 2008):
It seems that your only hope is to break into your husband's fantasy world, and that's apparently not going to be an easy thing to do.
Make sure he knows that sex, the way he likes it, is something that you want to share. Make sure he knows that sex, the way he likes it, is something that you INSIST on sharing. If you haven't already tried sampling some of his favorite porn sites, you might take a look at a few of them to get some idea for yourself what sorts of things he is into, and try to integrate those ideas into your regular sexual life.
But if he's still insists on keeping his fantasy life isolated from you, it's time to bring it out into the open. In a case like that, it's become a serious enough problem to threaten your marriage, and it's going to require professional help to get the relationship back on track. I would strongly recommend that if all else fails, you should work these differences out with a marriage counselor. The continued strain that leading separate mental sex lives places on your marriage is going to cause things to come unraveled sooner or later. Head that off by getting professional help in time to work out the problems before they eat up the good will you feel toward one another.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): I'm normally an advocate for Porn, I mean don't listen to the last poster even for a second. Porn isn't cheating in any way, shape or form.
But it seems to be becoming a problem as it is beginning to interfer with a perfectly good relationship.
First, get it into your head that no matter how good you are at sex, or how many times you have sex with each other, a man will ALWAYS watch Porn. Those that don't watch, usually have problems.
Second, you need to tell him that the amount he watches and the fact he feels the need to hide it all is what is really bothering you, along with it making you feel like you can't live up to things... and that its making him a lazy and inefficient lover when Porn should be giving him tips and ideas on how to expand both of your own sexual repotoire.
Third, you could tell him to cut down on the Porn or he's not getting any sex for a long time. And don't be afraid to follow through, either.
Porn is only a problem when it becomes a substitute for the real thing and not a companion to it, or it's inspiration.
Flynn 24
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Hey listen!
You asked for help, so we asked for more informations! You don't have to be bitchy about it!
Yes, you are not giving him what he wants and so he is trying to find it online! Be happy that he is not going to see a prostitute to do it for him!
And again! Porn is not a big deal. Women think its cheating or something! If he is not looking at childrens porn or some wierd crap .. than you dont have to worry about anything ...
Yes, everyone has different needs and you are not doing what he needs.
You don't have to be tied up if you dont feel confortable. Maybe you cold wear some sexy outfit .. or nice tight hights .. maybe that would make him happy.
You have totalk about it and make it clear that you are not comfortable w gags and robes, but you can make a compromise and have some sexy clothes or such ... and maybe he will like that idea! And than you will see the difference when he stopps checking out porn sites
Sex is a game between two !
Its not about doing one position for the rest of your life. Its just fun ... you definetely have to be both comfortable in what you are doing and no one can push you into anything you dont like ... but sometimes there are ways to make the other one happy even tho we are not really up for it!
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): you really shouldnt sound so snippy with us when we are only trying to help you out
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, more information then. He is apparently into light bondage; nylons, ropes, gags, etc. And if y'all think I'm not indulging him in this manner, your'e crazy. I have, on numerous occassions allowed him to tie me up any way he wants wearing whatever he wants me to wear, and take pictures. Do you still think it's something I'm not giving him? I do not. He is not buying porn to share in the experience with me, he is doing it behind my back. Our sex life? Is sadly only when he is interested, because my own needs do not matter. Enough information?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have every intention of asking him what is going on as soon as he gets home from work. Maybe it is an addiction, in which case I know how to handle that through therapy. If not, and even if so, why on earth would he be embarrassed all of a sudden? We have been together for six years, and this is the first of it that I am aware of at this point. I'm a pretty kinky chick and he knows this, so why would he be embarrassed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Sounds more like he is watching things he is embarrassed to admit viewing. If he knows you are ok with his habits, what does he have to hide? Your husband could be well on his way to having an addiction to porn, which is a serious matter. Have you asked your husband in a kind manner what it is that he is hiding?I recommend that visit npsupport.net It is a support board for both addicts and wives affected by their husband's addiction. It offers a lot of advice on how to get help and the web-site adminstrator is a recovering addict himself so he moderates with a kind heart.For your sake, I hope your husband isn't addicted, but was just watching some sketchie stuff that he was embarrassed about.Let us know what you find out :-)
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (7 July 2008):
Ok
So ... everyone here knows... I am absoluely up FOR porn .. BUT!!! ... if it gets to certain point (like your husbands) .. than I think its too much for anybody.
How is your sex life? Everything the same? Did it change? You guys talk ?
What kinda porn is he looking at? Maybe he is interested in something that he is missing in your sex life? You need to write more informations. Maybe its not as big as it seems... but if it is .. than you have to talk to him, and maybe find help for him, because Porn is definetely addicting, and it can ruin your relationship !!!
good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): i agree. sounds like he's searching for what he is not getting and he is doing it in a matter that he feels is ok cause it's just porn. my man would be lost without his porn i think sometimes. but i am not so much the jealous type for that. actually. i watch it with him quite often and we learn new things this way. actually spices up the relationship quite a bit. just explain to him how it makes you feel and if it really bothers you that much then maybe you should try and compensate him for it.
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (7 July 2008):
How's your sex life?
Porn is neither bad nor good in and of itself, but it can be a positive or a negative influence on a relationship, depending on how it impacts the partners. The greatest sex I ever had came after my girlfriend started visiting porn sites and sharing with me her desires to try some of the things she saw there (or as close as we could come considering the real-world physical limitations we have). But if one partner starts living in the fantasy and ignoring the other partner, it can really hurt the relationship.
Get a good conversation started with your husband about this. Make it clear to him that you want to be his "dream lover", and that if there's something that's missing from your love life now, you'd like to do the best the two of you can do to add it in. Get him to describe to you (or even show you!) something that he ran across there that he'd like to try with you. Something like that can really spice up a stale sexual relationship, and turn the pron experience from a liability to an asset in your relationship.
Communication is the key. But you've got to do it in an understanding, accepting, and non-threatening way.
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