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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: End of the rope after 27 years. What are the causes, of total lack of affection from my husband? He stopped looking at me, touching me, having sex with me, and all physical contact whatsoever.I tried everything talking about it , looking good, hug him , even he does not.. But now, I dont know what to do next. He says, he loves me, but that is not enough . I really dont know, if I should continue any action from my side, or what else.He is great , he pays the bills, he is not a bad guy. He used to be very highly sexual. I'm just totally stunned by all this. I feel like a loser. I dont want to divorce him, but I m getting very depressed about the situation What else can I do? Talking will not bring him closerto me. He will shot down more. Please tell me what you think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): It could be due to guilt, stress, depression or he might be harbouring resentment over a past issue that you thought was sorted out. It could even be past abuse that is surfacing after years of repression. If he is refusing to discuss it with you it is very difficult to tell. And that is the main sticking point, his refusal to talk.
He will know why he is acting like this. Not wanting to talk to you is hurtful and damaging to the relationship. If you have tried everything to no avail, could you suggest he tries counselling? Not joint counselling but someone he can talk to, to try and unravel what he is feeling at the moment. It might help.
But if he is not prepared to do anything about the lack of intimacy and you cant continue to live this way. Then you will have to have a straight talk with him, explain how he is making you feel and what your next step will be if things dont improve.
Also, try randomly sending him an email, asking how he feels about things. Sometimes people find it easier to put down in print, things they find hard to articulate. Something is obviously bothering him but if he rebuffs all your efforts to help then you will have to make a difficult decision eventually. But try and keep positive for a while longer and not pressure him for intimacy, just ask for some answers! He owes you that much if he is going to reject you out of hand. That is not kind of him and he needs a proper wake up call or he will lose you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Hi Anonymous,
I'm sorry to hear that you're at the end of your rope, after 27 yrs invested in your marriage.
The causes could be varied and complicated, or very simple. Has anything changed recently? Did you two have a big argument that left him processing things in his mind? Has anything changed in your family/extended family situation? Has he taken on any new responsibilities at work? Has his health been the same? What new stresses could be at play? Any of those could be the reason...
A total lack of physical contact is strange - doesn't even look at you, hug you, nothing!?! That's almost like he is upset about something, yet he says he does love you. This is one of those times where the words and actions do not line up!
You say he is a great guy, so we will give him the benefit of the doubt that something is definitely wrong. You have spoken to him, nothing has changed, so you can try a few changes in yourself and see if things change. If he used to be highly sexual before, something has changed. It could be age although in today's day and age your ages are young ;-) it could be a mid-life crisis where he is totally evaluating his life, his past, and where he wants to go.
I would try one more attempt one night when you have quality uninterrupted time, to speak to him openly and honestly about how the changes are affecting YOU. How it makes you feel that he won't look at you, that he won't hug you back, never mind that he won't be physical with you. Express how it's depressing you and making you feel like a loser (which you are not). Try and be gentle, allow him to feel safe to share what he is thinking and feeling. If he can't, or doesn't know himself, then be understanding because he is a great guy, and do the following:
Return to the Past! Think back to when you met... those exciting first days, the thrill of seeing each other, sharing, caring and wanting to be around each other all the time. Make sure you have date nights, or something you can both do together, to re-connect you.
We can't change someone else, but we can change ourselves, and perhaps influence others for positive change.
Aside for him, are YOU at your best? Are you excited about life in general, or always negative? Perhaps a mind-change of a gratitude journal of what is good in your life. What can you be thankful for each day. Are you having a balanced life? If you work, are you feeling fulfilled there? If not, why, and what can you do to change it? Your family and friends? Anything you feel you could change, make positive contributions towards, even the gift of time? Any other hobbies, interests you love that you have left by the wayside? How about starting up again whatever you have loved before, or finding something new? Your health - do you eat right, exercise even a little, to feel your total best?
If any of the above, or lots are NO, then focus on that. Focus on being the HAPPIEST YOU that you can be, and then see if that changes anything for your husband. He will want to join the wave that is you. The excited you. The fun you.
The focus needs to be on a balanced life approach, enjoying and loving his attention, but when for whatever reason it's withheld, you are still fulfilled with ALL of life, and he will return again and again.
That is, depending on what your husband's reasons are for behaving as he is now. If you can answer if anything else has changed, we can pin point better the next steps. Either way, don't give up, don't accept lack of intimacy forever, show your initiative and interest too - seduce him and show him YOU still love him, and you will win him around.
Good Luck
xxxx E
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