A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We need advice about our 15 yo daughter, sex, and questions she's asking us. Our daughter is 15 1/2 and we told her she could start dating this summer as long as her grades her good. She is a really good kid, and always has almost all 'A's and maybe a 'B' or two. We're just concerned, this age is about when we hear from other parents that their kids stop doing well in school, and start worrying about other things. So, we're going to let her date, her grades were really good.She knows my wife was a virgin when she met me, and all about the fact that my wife and I think it's important especially for the woman to be a virgin at marriage, or at least until you're in a very committed serious relationship, not some guy you dated for 2 months. She also knows my wife didn't wait until actual marriage because her father forbid her to date me even though we were already engaged, I had already rented an apartment, and our wedding date was set (he was disabled and a drunk at that time, thank God he recovered about 5 years after that). So, my wife moved in with me, and you know what happened. I wasn't a virgin, and my wife and I did other things to 'hold me off', and I was willing to wait (which is how I know she really was the one for me).Problem, our daughter has started asking about dating, and kind of assumed my wife only ever dated me. My wife didn't want to talk about it, but I told our daughter that her mom (my wife) did date other guys before me. I don't want her to think the first guy you date is the one you spend your whole life with. I'm trying to realistic here. Then our daughter started telling us about things her girlfriends who are already dating tell her about stuff guys want you to do, and if you don't do them, they will leave you and not date you anymore.My wife and I disagree here, my wife thinks that we should tell her that my wife dated a few guys and did things like go to dances, movies, and out for dinner or stuff (we were both too young for the bar scene, although that didn't stop me). Maybe a goodnight kiss, or if you date the guy for a few months, parking and makeout sessions are OK, but no more.I think we should be a little more realistic, our daughter respects my wife immensely, but even though my wife was a virgin, she did date 2 guys for a long time. 1 almost a year, and another guy for about 1 1/2 years. She didn't have sex with them, but she knew all about giving a guy 'release' and keeping them happy without 'giving it up'. I don't think we need to tell our daughter that her mom (my wife) gave these 2 guys handjobs and BJ's, but I also think we should tell her that sex before marriage is against our morals, but getting to know a guy and a little fooling around is OK, your mom did it.Which approach should we take?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I absolutely commend you for the relationship you have with your daughter. It's fabulous that she's prepared to talk with a parent about that stuff. Give yourselves a pat on the back -- you've done something very right as parents.
She knows your values, and she'll honour them as best she can, or she won't -- at some point she'll make up her mind what she wants to do. You've done all you can.
I completely agree that no kid wants to know about their parents' sex lives. I didn't when I was 30, let alone 15. She'll figure stuff out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): i agree with male anon 100% forget religion for all you know she may not believe in god (and i dont blame her...) also sex does not have to co-exist with love it can be a fwb relationship. finally it is her life she is entitled to choose her own path through sexual road.
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A
male
reader, Who +, writes (11 June 2009):
 “Which approach should we take?”
Let your daughter figure it out for herself.
That’s what is going to happen anyway, regardless of the direction you and you wife think you can steer her. You and your wife had you chance at teenage dating; now it is your daughter’s turn. You can tell her about your experiences and leave out any details you want, and you can tell her what you consider to be morally important. But I don’t think it is reasonable nor fair to expect your experiences to control her life. You raised her the way she is, and she is going to make decisions she makes based on who she is. If you raised her to make a decision you do not approve of, I don’t think you are going to be able to change that now.
If you can encourage her to date a few different boys casually, rather than go steady with one boy to start with, I think that will let her learn about boys and dating enough to make decisions she will be happy with.
Make sure she knows all the basic safety and health information, or has access to read about it, and make sure she knows she can call you any time, and come to you with any problems. Make sure you meet all the boys she goes out with, and make sure they know you know their names and where they live. If you can remember back to when you were that age, perhaps see how this should discourage some of the stupid stunts teenage boys are infamous for.
One last thing. Ask your daughter if she really wants to go out with a boy won’t date her if she does not “do stuff with them.”
Best of luck to you and your daughter, and I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 Just explain to her that its ok to date and the first person she dates may not be the person she marries. Tell her that she should only have sex when she's ready, and she should only do other stuff when she's ready. There's not much you can say really, you don't need to go into detail. Just tell her that you and your wife are here for her if she needs to chat about anything specific! Then you just have to sit back from the situation and let her do her own thing. You sound like you have raised her very well! So you shouldn't need to worry about the things she decides to do with boys as I'm sure her choices will be wise! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I don't think you need to preach about giving a guy "release". Or that your wife did this with other guys before she married you. That is not something a kid wants to hear about her own parent, trust me. (EEEWWW)
She will figure out how far she wants to go with a boy on her own.
What you want to tell her is that her friends are wrong in telling her that a boy will not date you if you don't give them oral sex or hand jobs. Any boy that expects that from a girl they are just dating is still just using her for well "release". It isn't true tell her that guys get "blue balls" from not having an orgasm, that if he doesn't have one, his fluids just get reabsorbed by his body or they are released in a wet dream, so no guy should ever make her feel guilty that she doesn't help them out.
Kissing is to be enjoyed with a boyfriend or a guy she really likes, notghing wrong with kissing. You can tell her that if a boy puts his hands on her in a place she isn't comfortable with it is her job to gently hold those little hands and move them somewhere else or to tell him to please stop I don't want to go any further than this.
It sounds like she understands where you stand on virginity and marriage and tell her that your wife was a virgin when you two got married but of course she dated before marriage just like your daughter did and she had to kiss quite a few frogs before marriage.
Also tell your daughter that she is at an age where she is going to have some very strong sexual urges due to her hormones and that if she ever does feel the desire to have intercourse whether you agree with it or not that you hope she feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it first and explain to her about having safe sex and about birth control. That at what ever point in her life she decides to have sex, it must be planned and she must be on birth control.
Unfortuneately at her age her peers are going to have more influence on her than you do and she may not wait until marriage to lose her virginity. You want her to know that she can always come to you no matter what she decides and that you will be there to help her not judge her...but that you hope she will live her values just as you have. That her values are what make her unique and you believe will lead to her happiest self, her happiest life...which is what you want for her the most.
Then you have to hope that you have instilled in your daughter your values and that she has learned how to make good decisions.
But don't go into the mechanics of giving a guy release, not needed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): The non religious approach. What u want to do is religious rubbish. There is nothing wrong with sex b4 marraige i mean what if she dont want a husband?
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