A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here goes nothing. I have a friend of my mine who is a girl that disclosed some stuff to me. We are close friends. Basically she "dated" this guy for about 3 weeks. I put in quotes because until the 3rd week - they really didn't go on full blown dates or anything. Well she calls me up and seems to be in a pretty bad state. One of her family members died a couple years ago and she was very close to that family member. She was very upset and sad as that day was the death date. I comfort her a bit and tell her that she might want to talk to her boyfriend. I consoled her as a friend. I was not about to over step my bounds as a close friend. I didn't know how long they officially had been dating until today. I didn't want to be that guy in the middle that she goes to for emotional support. I figured it would be a time they could become closer and allow him to have a chance to support her in the way significant others should.She tells me he isn't affectionate and he doesn't support her. I asked how long they had been dating. Then I said to give him a chance because maybe its a bit early for him to support you in that way. I then told her if he doesn't step up or seem to be a person that is compatible in that way, then maybe they aren't meant to be.-----Now today I hung out with my friend and she shared that they had slept together 2 times this morning. I was a bit confused as it had seemed that things were not the way she wanted them to be. She was still affected by the death thing and it seemed like a good idea to fix her unhappiness. She told me the following-:-:We had sex before saying I love you to each other (understandable with the time scale):-:Does not emotionally support or show affection:-: The BF gets std tested every 6 months (she thinks this is normal for someone who is not sleeping around - the guy said he never sleeps around --calling BS on this one--):-:Doesn't want to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend -- lets just be friends after they had sex that morning.-----She is confused (her words) and I feel like knowing all this info leads to my gut feeling that she is being used. She is kind of weak in that way and has been in abusive relationships in the past. She doesn't stand up for herself. Question Time: 1. Do you think she is being used? 2. Does this sound like a healthy relationship.3. She is asking me for advice what should I tell her?4. Any help or advice to me as a friend. She seems to have reached out to me. Her goal is for someone to get married to - so I think the days of her Thanks for any help!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2013):
 First of all, is he in the military? Because they get tested every 6 months.
1. Does she WANT a relationship or a casual sex partner? My guess is she agreed to being casual because she think he will change his mind and fall in love with her. NOT going to happen.
2. Define healthy relationship? For some having sex with someone familiar is enough, for other's it's not.
3. Ask her to figure out what SHE wants from a partner. And then if she is getting that from this guy.
However, it's ONLY been 3 weeks. WAY to early to sleep together (in my book) - so maybe just ask her if the guy makes her happy and leave it at that.
Her goal is to get married some day - wow - I hope she has more goals in life then that. But from what I have seen a LOT of on here, is if you start having casual sex with someone, that is it, you will not have a long lasting relationship that end up in a marriage. It will just be sex til either or both finds greener grass.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I would just ask her followup questions so she can figure it out for herself.
"Does it make you uncomfortable that he doesn't want to label your relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend?' "Are you happy to be with a man who can't or won't show affection and support?" Basically just keep her focused on her goals and dreams and hopes and ask how this man fits in with them. You don't have to judge or compare him, if he's really all that awful, she just needs to look at that squarely and some gentle and supportive questions may help.
If she is asking you for advice, and is open to receiving it, why not simply tell her what you think? Reading between the lines, you obviously think this guy is a loser and is using her. "Jenny, what you've told me about this guy doesn't mesh with what you hope for your future. I think you are in a FWB relationship and I don't think you are happy about it as you are asking me for advice." Then you can do the asking questions to get her to reflect on that.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 It's early days... Depends how she feels about him... She is the one in the relationship so only she really knows what's going on. The saying they are just friends is not a great sign but doesn't mean there is no hope. Give it some more time and see what happens I suppose!
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