A
female
age
41-50,
*adAndLonely
writes:I am engaged to be married in 2010. Everything in our life is perfect except for a few things that are HUGE in my eyes. We enjoy doing the same things, our family and friends are perfect and everyone gets along very well and we have the same beliefs and ideas on raising a family. We just seem to coast through our weeks and months. There have only been a few months out of our 20 months that we have been REALLY GREAT!! He seems to be fine just coasting, I’m not. We have issues with communication and we seem to always get on each other’s nerves. It’s sad but we already have issues in the bedroom. I’ve been asked not to initiate anything because I want it too much and that turns him off. So, we only have relations when HE wants them and that’s maybe once a week. I could live with that if it was the only issue but everything else has started pushing me away. Also, we have different priorities in every day life and financially. He thinks everything will work out once we get married. Well, I’ve been married before and I KNOW it only gets harder. His longest relationship was six months. I love this man with all my heart but he is not willing to compromise with me and seems very selfish and irresponsible with money and my heart. I can’t depend on him to pay his half of the bills every month and that is really bringing me down as well. He is a wonderful friend and one of the “nice guys” and I’ve never been treated with kindness before so I just KNEW this was the one for me but I am having doubts. I’ve told him the following things recently without much reaction from him:? I am not happy in this relationship.? You aren’t willing to give me what I need in this relationship.? I have worked so hard to make this work recently and you are just sitting back and enjoying the ride. ? I feel like I am living with a roommate instead of the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.His response to anything that would take change is “that’s just how I’ve always been”. I’ve tried and a mutual (male) best friend has tried to tell him that you have to be willing to change the way you do things if you want a happy relationship. He refuses to change. I don’t want to change his core being but I have already made so many changes just to work with the person he is and watching him resist like that just makes me put up walls and I’ve come to resent him. I don’t want to break it off but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like a coward. I want to talk to him but I know that he will just react (or not react) the way he always does when we have been at these crossroads. He tells our friends “she’s making changes and we are happier now.” or “She realizes what she is doing wrong and is working on it.” I feel very alone and I’m ready to give up. Does anyone have any advice? I'm lost.
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best friend, engaged, money, roommate, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SadAndLonely +, writes (17 November 2008):
SadAndLonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing.....
We've been looking for a new place to live. I told him that I need to find something that I can afford by myself beause I can't depend on him to make his share of the payments. (No Reaction from him!!)
Just today he found out that his job wants to place him at a job in another state (5 hours away). I think this all happening for a reason but we'll see. ;)
I'm going to talk to him tonight about us and the job thing. I plan on keeping it short and to the point and try to leave out any blame. It does take two so I'm sure I've done things to lead up to this. I'll let you all know what comes of it.
~Sadly Signing Off
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Sounds like he is not taking anything you say seriously. How can he not respond to "I am not happy in this relationship"? If you don't want to break it off, I would at least cancel the wedding date. That should get his attention. And, you could also think about premarital counseling.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 November 2008):
He's been honest and set out his stall.
He has made it clear that if you marry him then you will be sexually frustrated, fell unsexy, and have to struggle financially.
He;s also made it clear that your happiness in the relationship doesn't really matter to him because he's happy and that's all the matters.
It's now up to you to decide whether to take him up on that fabulous offer of spending the rest of your life with him.
Personally I'd tell him once more that I am not happy in the relationship and want things to change before you get married.
Then as soon as he fobs you off, say "ok, your choice." pack and bag and leave.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, SadAndLonely +, writes (17 November 2008):
SadAndLonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSappygirl, Thank you so much for replying. Do you, or anyone else, have any advice on how to soften the blow when we do talk? He's a wonderful friend and I am so sad I have to hurt him. How do you gently let a good guy down?
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (17 November 2008):
 If you are unhappy and having doubts the best thing to do is go with your instinct and end the relationship.
People do not change unless they want to, and your fiance will never change. he likes the way he is. And you can't make him become who you want to be.
I think if you go ahead and cancel the wedding plans, it will not make you a coward but courageous.
Things will not gett better after you get married. The problems will still remain and if you don't resolve it now,
then it will always be there. If i were in your situation, I would end it as much as it hurts. But he doesn't seem like the right guy for you and marraige is forever.
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