A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A little over a year ago my boyfriend's father passed away in a car accident. Since then there have been a lot of family issues that have come up alongside the normal formalities of a death.Everything between us carried on as usual. About 2 months before the one year anniversary I left to live in Europe for 3 months. He missed me a lot, and I know that he had a hard time with me being gone since I was the only person he really opened up to about his father. The day before the 1 year anniversary, as we were talking, he told me that he could no longer be with me. He said that he still loved me, but that he could not handle a relationship right now, but that it does not mean the we can't be together again.Since I've been back, we have hung out and talked. Things remain almost as they were before, except that we still consider ourselves broken up. He still says that he needs my support, and that he still cares for me and he is very good about being there when I am upset about the break up.He has told me that he doesn't think it's fair to ask me to wait for him, but he has made it very clear that he is not interested in pursuing anyone else. Should I wait for him or move on?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 Do a little of both. Move on in the sense that you consider the relationship over, and that you will remove yourself emotionally from him (not the the point of not being his friend, but to the point that you no longer feel an urge to kiss him when you meet, or want to hold his hand etc.). Then move on to the point that you get by being single, and that it doesn't hurt you. Of course, it's ok that it's sad you are broken up, but be ok with it to the degree that you aren't bawling your eyes out each time to think of him.
Then at the same time, wait. Wait with dating someone new. Wait with getting involved with someone new, wait with flirting excessively. Wait with thinking that you need to find someone else, wait with all that. Just be single for a while, and continue to talk to him if you can manage, and be his friend. And see how it goes.
But, you must move on a little. Because there is no guarantee he will want to be in a relationship again soon, it can take months, or years, or he might even fall in love with someone else! If that was to happen, you must have moved on enough for it to not kill you. It's always hard to see your ex move on, but even harder if you've not started to move on yourself and are still waiting around for him. So, start to move on. Give him up. Prepare yourself mentally for him and you to never be together again, and for him to find someone else. And at the same time, wait with finding someone else yourself. If you do fall in love with someone else then let what happens happen. But don't push it, don't pressure yourself to find someone else and go out and date a lot.
See if you and him can work out being friends. If it is too hard for you right now it is advisable to give it a few weeks or a month of not talking, to get time to move on. That way it wont hurt as much when you do meet, and you will have distanced yourself more from him. That is the only way you can stay in touch and be friends: if you move on emotionally.
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