A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy about 6 months ago through work. For the first few months we barely knew each other - but he would chat to me, there was a little bit of flirting and on more than a few occasions I caught him looking at me. A few months later we hung out with some friends after work and I fell asleep on his sofa. When everyone else had left, he cuddled me and we kissed. I stayed over, but we didn't sleep together - just kissed and fooled around a little. He told me he was going on a two week holiday to visit his 'ladyfriend' and that he wanted to be honest with me. We didn't go into details but I assumed nothing else would happen between us at that point. The next morning he made me breakfast, we watched tv together and everything felt very comfortable. No awakard 'one night only' vibes from him at all. Next time I saw him in work, he arrnaged for us to have our break together and we spent it chatting and flirting, but he was off on his holiday a few days later. I then left to go away for a few months also, so we hadn't seen each other for months and didn't have each others numbers. While I was on my trip he text me out of the blue asking when I'd be back - he had gotten my number off someone in work! He text me everyday I was away pretty much and when I got home bought me a ticket to go to a music festival with him. When we were there we kissed a few times, but nothing serious happened. That was about 2 weeks ago and since then he has text me everyday, constantly! We've seen each other quite a lot, usually when he finishes work late at night. We watch dvds at his, or mine and spend all of the next day in bed together, making lunch etc... He still has his 'ladyfriend' on the other side of the world, although we never actually approach the subject. He is affectionate towards me, it's not just sex - there has been times when we just cuddle in bed and spend time together. He isn't the type of guy to make romantic gesutures or give compliments away freely, but there has been a few times when he's shyly mentioned how good I smell, or made reference to missing me. He did however ask that I keep us quiet, ie not tell any of my friends we know from work. He's also done a few favours for me around my flat and he popped by during the day when there was no chance of staying over or having sex. I'm just unsure how to read the situation...We haven't gone out on a proper date, although he has suggested we have a night in playing board games (since we both have a bit of a lame love of them!) He works a lot, especially at night so he isn't free for dates that often I guess. When I suggested the cinema the other night he said he'd already made plans with his friends to go to the pub. I haven't heard from him since, which is out of character considering he usually texts me non stop. I don't want to be the first to contact him again, as I feel I'd come across as too eager. I really like this guy and want things to work out between us, but I'm confused by his behaviour. Is he just using me for sex or is he genuinley interested in me? How do I approach the 'ladyfriend' situation?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Cupidguy, I think the reference to sex was there, but it's a read-between-the-lines comment: "He is affectionate towards me, it's not just sex - there has been times when we just cuddle in bed and spend time together."
Is that correct, poster?
Hhhmm, I don't like the sound of a couple of things. One is the mysterious 'ladyfriend' who lives on the other side of the world. Are you sure he's not married? I think you are entitled to know if he has any other romantic entanglements before becoming involved (or too involved at this point) yourself. It's not fair to you if you do not have all the information. I think it's perfectly appropriate and probably a really good idea to tackle this issue with him before you get in too deep.
The other is keeping the relationship a secret. Generally, when you're dating, it's normal to go out for meals and not try to hide things. Is it that you two work together, and this will complicate things at work?
Maybe that's enough NOT to get this involved with him?
I don't know, maybe it's worth trying, but there are a number of red flags to me. So if you feel it's worth it, you should try to get him to actually take you out on a proper date. If he cannot manage that, then you are no more than a convenience to him, something on the side to hide and enjoy some stolen moments with.
Sorry for being negative about this, but it just doesn't sit right to me.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 You seem to hope that him being nice to you and cuddling etc means he has deeper feelings for you. Sorry no, that is just the line you feed to the ladies to get them to drop their panties. Works too doesn't it?
Very few women, even those willing to be fuck buddies would respond well to being nailed in the hallway, wam bam, thank you ma'am, cya next time.
Even when sex is payed for it is rarely just 100% only sex. Go behind the crack whores and even they expected to be treated with some respect.
He still got a girlfriend. Seems he doesn't want anyone else to know. Calls you only when it suits him.
He is just using you for sex but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy your company. See it as a farmer who names his cows but then when they stop producing milk has them hauled of to be slaughtered. He might have stayed up with the cow during difficult labour, got the vet out on odd hours but in the end, the cow is there for one purpose only and the cow better know this and not make any retirement plans.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 July 2008):
Hmmm, this depends a lot on what you want from this guy.
If you think of it as friends with benefits - but not sex benefits... cuddling and hanging out and doing stuff together, then it makes sense.
So if you are happy with that kind of slightly strange and slightly secret relationship then just chill out and enjoy it.
If you want him to be an actual boyfriend, then you may be in trouble. Yes he's using you for good feelings and hanging out. No he probably doesn't want you as a full time out in the open girlfriend. Get out before you get hurt.
So it's up to you. If you want to continue then chill out, do your own thing and wait for him to be in touch again.
If you want him to be a boyfriend the ring him and tell him you can't see him any more as you are looking for a real relationship and he can't provide that.
Good Luck!! xx
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