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male
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anonymous
writes: I’m 21 and have been in love with a girl for two and a half years but we have never been in a relationship. It started the summer before I went away to University, and as I went away I didn’t want to lose contact. I tried not to let this stopping me from fully embracing University life in a big city miles away, and to a certain extent succeeded. We kept in contact and I saw her a few times when I returned home in my first year. She is one year younger than me and decided to go to uni in the same city as me one year later, coincidence or not I genuinely hoped and thought this meant something, maybe even a relationship, might develop. It all started quite promisingly, lots of contact and she even stayed over at my place one night although we’ve never had sex. Gradually though I saw and heard from her less and less, I realise that perhaps this was inevitable as she met new people at uni and formed a new life. This is a girl with a real flair for excuses, every time I ask her out she somehow manages to decline but still makes me feel like she’s really interested, maybe this is wishful thinking and naivety on my part believing some of her excuses. At the start of last summer she told me that she was seeing somebody else, although she made it clear she “wasn’t going out with him“, whatever that means. I later found out he is short, to rub salt in the wound. I decided the only action I could take would be to try to forget about her, so I didn’t contact her all summer, and as my year abroad started in the September I saw it as the perfect opportunity to move on and start fresh. The fact that I didn’t even bump into her was strange as we usually go out in the same places but I saw this as a blessing as I thought seeing her would be unhelpful in my quest to move on. A couple of days before I went away she sent me a text saying goodbye and good luck, that sort of thing, I replied asking her to meet for a drink to say bye before I went….out came the excuses. After about 6 or 7 weeks away I got an email from her, just telling me what she’d been up to and asking if I was okay, I was over the moon that she still kept in touch, and it was her making the effort not me. Over Christmas I bumped into her a few times, but it was weird, not awkward, just not the same as it used to be. She seemed distant. I hadn’t seen her for seven months by now. I had been really looking forward to seeing her so for a couple of days afterwards I was really down. I’ve really fallen for her again, well to be honest my feelings never changed. My attempts to get over her failed miserably, even not seeing her for seven months failed. I don’t know what happened to the short guy, maybe she’s still seeing him, maybe she’s got someone new. Sorry to bore you with this mundane account of events but my question really is this; what do I do now? I can’t forget about her, as all my friends advised me to, believe me I spent 7 months trying. As far as I know she’s never had a serious boyfriend which at 20 I suppose is not uncommon. Should I keep in contact with the occasional email and try again when I return to England in the summer? We‘ll both be based in the same city next year again. Or should I cut all contact and not even reply to her emails/texts if any come. I’m sure if I tried I would be able to avoid her. If anything was going to happen it would have already done by now right? I think having an honest chat about how I feel would scare her off completely, and make me seem desperate. I think she just doesn’t want any boyfriend yet, maybe she just wants to be friends, but as awful as it sounds I genuinely couldn’t be “just friends” with her. I’m crazy about her. Please Help!Tim
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006): the best way to get over someone is another someone. Go on a date with another girl. Find someone - anyone - who you think is nice or interesting or remotely attractive, and then ask them out. You don't need to feel for them the way you feel for this girl; you won't. It doesn't matter. Go out with them and try to find what's good in them. And then go out with another girl, looking for what's good in her.The likelihood is that none of these dates will go anywhere. But they'll force you to think of someone other than this girl, if only to decide that they're not someone you'd care to spend more time with, for reasons x, y, z.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): I know many people who have been in in a situation like yourself, the best solution to this problem im afraid is cut all contact, its the only way you will graguaully in time forget about her and hopefully you will meet a special someone some point in your life whome you will fall in love with and i promise you all with remain will be sweet memories, nothing more nothing less, and your life will feel more complete. good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): This is my follow up/reply,Thanks for taking the time to answer.I've never had a conversation with her about my feelings, i'd really like to but i think this might seem desperate and maybe scare her off. We have kissed a few times, but not for a while now, I do think your idea of a "very best plan" of being friends to start with is good, I'm definately going to try that. Not sure how to go about starting but i'm sure i'll figure it out. The only problem would be if she got a boyfriend, Im not sure I could handle that. All of my friends have said to give up on her, but I'm not ready to do that, not until I've given it a proper go at least! Idon't want to look back regreting not trying in the futureThanks againTim
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A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (8 March 2006):
 Have you ever had a conversation with her about your feelings? If not, then I think it couldn't possibly hurt to try. I'll be honest, it does sound as if she's more interested in being friends than anything else, but it's worth confirming this with her if you haven't already.
Assuming that she does just want to be friends, it's really your decision as to whether you can cope with this or not. You suggest that you can't, and if this is definite, then cutting off contact would be the best thing to do - it may seem unkind, but you have to be kind to yourself first of all, and there's nothing to be gained from putting yourself through pain.
The very best plan, in terms of not burning your bridges, would be if you could somehow calm your feelings of love and truly be a friend to her - you're both young, and if you could build a genuine friendship (one that's not tainted by your unrequited desire) then it's possible this would develop into something more in future. I always say friendship is the very best basis for a relationship, but this is only likely to work if you can build this friendship without hurting yourself further - only you know whether this is possible or not.
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