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male
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anonymous
writes: I am desperate for help. Recently, my fiance and I have been fighting a lot. He is extremely unhappy at his job and our life together has gotten a little too busy to handle. Additionally, I have a 5 year old son who is very attached to my fiance. When he proposed he asked my son if some day he would like to call him dad. Over the past weekend we had yet another fight. They all start because my finace is so stressed out and has been getting mean, in the sense that he gives these horrible looks to me and has a very short fuse. I have handled it poorly and out of anger I got defensive and protective of myself. Over the last 4 days we have gone from him wanting to postpone the wedding to him maybe moving out and away b/c he thinks that might solve his problem. He still loves me, I know that. After all this time, now he says he is scared to be a step parent. He is so angry and I fear he is going to make a decision out of anger. He refuses to let me help him in any way. This is very uncharcteristic of his personality. He is not a quitter but suddenly decided to be one. I have not eaten or slept in days. This is tearing me apart and is incredibly painful. Help me! What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): Stress is part of life..we all have it-wea ll deal with it on a daily basis. But many of us 'choose' to deal with it in a mature, constructive manner. We don't get mean, we don't take it out on our loved ones. Your bf is accountable for his bad behaviours and he is showing a "side of himself" that you may want to think long and hard about before you marry him, dear..
I am deeply concerned about his anger. An angry bf, combined with a little child in the same household..makes me have concerns for your child's exposure to this damaging behaviour. He may not be physically hurting you or this child, but his anger is making you fearful and your child will pick up on that.(red flag) Now, you mention that "you fear he is going to make a decision out of anger". By that, do you fear he will simply leave the relationship? If so, then I must tell you to remember; that if you are continually unwilling to take a stand in the face of this fear, then this emotional pain will ultimately determine the quality of your future with this man. Start setting some tough boundries and let him know you "refuse" to tolerate his angry, damaging behaviours. If he leaves, then he goes and deal with the pain if it happens. But hun, please never allow your "fear" to tolerate this wrong behaviour. Be strong and realize-it will come down to your courage and conviction, to make you intelligently know what is right and to take a stand. Once you've done that, he may just end up respecting you, like he should be doing all along. If you both come through this hard time, I suggest you both should seek some couple counselling to help your bf learn some mature coping skills about dealing with stress and frustrations. I wish you well, dear and hang in there and be strong. Take care
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): It sounds like the stress you are both going through is stopping you and your fiance from communicating appropriately with eachother.You are both emotionally charged and this is probably stopping both of you from thinking rationally about the situation. As I gatherd from your letter you do seem to understand that the situations stems from stressors, such as your fiances job situation. I believe that since you do seem to have an understandment of the situation maybe you have to be the person that will act rationally; support your partner rather then giving him negative responses, this only leds to negative results. Al lot of times our emotions take over our ability to see the situation and act in a more appropriate manner. My advice to you is to try and be the "grown up" in the situation, if this means that you will have to take some abuse, take it, in the end this might save your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. You really need to think about your son first. The constant fighting is really not a good thing for him to be exposed to. I would try to be supportive of your fiance and when he gets mad or angry, continue to ask him what you can do to help, rather than getting angry and defensive. What he might be looking for is someone why can just listen to his problems and give him a sympothetic shoulder to lean on.
If this approach does not help, maybe taking some time apart will help you both. I've learned over the years after a failed marriage and very good current one, that arguing/fighting is inevitable in every realtionship. That's how we get to the core of our issues and it also helps us to define our boundries with our partners. The key is, leaning to "fight nice". Be respetful of your fiance, and expect the same back from him. This will also set a good example for your son. Believe it or not, he's learning right now (at 5) how he will be handling himself in his own future relationships. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): Seems to me that there is something else going on at work maybe that he hasn't told you. You need to sit down and have a frank talk with him, get everything out in the open. Being a step parent or even a prent come to that can be daunting but from what you say it does seem that he still loves you but feels that moving out is the only option. Something major is bothering him and you need to find out what that is before you can move forward and it needs to be tackled together if your relationship has any hope of going further.
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