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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm not really fat, but I do have body issues. I'm 5'5, 138 lbs. I want to drop some 10 lbs though. I want to look perfect.The thing is, lately I haven't been very motivated. I've skipped some workouts. Yesterday I was talking to my boyfriend online. I told him I was hungry and went to get some milk. He got upset. He told me how do I expect to lose weight if I skip my workouts and eat all the time. He told me to quit complaining about being fat then, if I'm not working for it. I was upset. I asked him if I was fat and he said "No, but you're not skinny either". I asked him if he'd rather I was thinner and he said yeah. I was furious.I also have some jealousy issues with porn. I know this is my problem, so I usually keep quiet about it. He's not addicted or anything, but he does like it a lot. However, I just couldn't shut up this time. He told me that yes he loves looking at these perfect women naked online.We didn't speak much. Later he tried to apologize, and told me we'd talk about it. He started explaining a lot of things, how this women are indeed sexier than average women, because they have to, that he loves me, not them, you know the usual. I told him I was concerned because I'd read an article that said that it's been scientifically proven that men subconsciously compare porn women to their partners, they just don't realize it. But they do and that the partners come up short. He is into typical mainstream porn before anyone suggests he is into midgets or something, he is into blonde, busty thin ladies.He told me that if that's true for men, it must be true for sexy ads and such, and it must be true for women. I told him "I don't know, I hate how men are displayed in the media, they're too feminine (I mean, waxing, seriously?), and I don't watch porn, plus I'm not really visual, so...". And then hell broke loose. Let me tell you why.Turns out he is jealous too, but of my past. In the past, true, I was a virgin, but I made out with some guys I barely knew. He doesn't like this, even though it happened before we met. When he asked me why I did it, I told him because they were nice and fun, he told me that I'd known them for less than an hour, so how could I like them for their personality. I admitted they were kinda cute (this was a long time ago, that we talked about it). So last night, he was more than eager to call me a hypocrite and remind me of how visual I am for what I did with these two guys (on different occasions, I'm not that much of a slut).I insisted it was different, because I was single, I did it only twice, and it's not something I keep doing. But he says it's even worse because I let this guys use me, that we had actual physical contact. Why does he feel cheated on? I was single! Well, I told him I felt jealous about him wanting these women and thinking they have sexier bodies, even if he doesn't love them, those comments and facts don't help my confidence. He insisted what I did was worse, and that he would continue watching porn and that if I didn't like it well, I could always walk away. And he hung up.I'm broken hearted. I know it's a lost battle and whether I like it or not, men like porn, men like thin busty blondes, men will fantasize, men will subconsciously compare, etc. But I hate that he uses my past agains me and that he thinks this is a childish concern, that what I did was worse, etc. I'm not cheating on him, please, I mean what I did happened way before I met him! I don't continue doing it, like his porn use, which is usual.I've already accepted that only I can change how I feel, that yes he has some sort of right to watch porn (I would never ask him to stop, though, it's not my place, as much as it bothers me). I realize it was a mistake talking about the porn, although it usually makes me secretly anxious, but now my weight was the trigger (since we haven't had sex lately, tough schedules). The comments he made about my weight made me feel like he'd rather I looked like his porn girls. Plus he told me "Of course they're hot". I feel like I'm sharing him. Sorry, I'm ranting, bottom line is I feel awful about my body, since no matter how much weight I lose I'll never look like them (small breasts and all that), I feel awful that he won't speak to me, and I feel sad that he thinks my concerns with porn are small compared to his concerns with my past.What can I do to feel better and fix this situation? I feel like I started it with the weight thing.(Thanks for yout patience)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Let's take a breather, hun. And let's get some perspective. No one or anything should have this type of control over your life! So, just for a minute forget all this unhealthy stuff, that's going on with the bf.
You, my dear...have a horrible body image problem! At 138 pounds and 5'5"...I'd say you are likely wonderfully healthy and have an amazingly nice figure. Heck, I have a gf who is 150 and she's the same height and she has an awesome figure! But she admits, not being perfect but let me say, her beauty and confidence come from inside. So where is this 'fat' word coming from, in your head? So start over here. Forget the damned number on the scale. To gain confidence in your appearance, notice what you love about your body! Strengths! Building a healthy body images means dwelling on your strengths. The once you do that, begin an overhaul,,mainly begin to choose your friends, especially bf's a lot more wisely. That includes any bone-headed boyfriend's who watch porn, compare you to these silicone bimbo's and makes comment on your flaws. Really, really consider limiting the amount of time you spend with these type of people. People who truely care about you, love you and really look out for your best interests, dear. They don't tear you down. Stop...just stop wasting your life so busy thinking about HOW you look. You seem fine to me. Start enjoying life and finding people who take you 'as is'. So my suggestion, is stay at this weight if you are healthy. I myself am a healthy, robust size 12 and I love every inch of myself and so does my man! And he doesn't find the need to view porn to get his cheap thrills and jollies.
Life is full of choices, it's full of great men who'd love to worship, snuggle up to and make love to all 138 pounds of you. Those are the guys you want to meet. Your bf is simply getting himself too pornified and it will get worse. He's already getting a rather pathetic, very false notion that the only attractive women out there are porn stars with big tits and blonde hair. On my! You can do so much better than this!
I think the only way to solve your troubles is to....Dump this loser and go find 'yourself' and learn what is truely beauitful about YOU inside and out. Be good to yourself. Good luck hun and just love yourself for who you are!
A
female
reader, Legioness  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 No ones perfect hun, even the most pretty person still has their imperfections :) ok, I just thought i'd share a couple of things weight loss wise, get a wii and a wii fit! Seriously, they are the best things out there to keep you motivated, which are fun, keep track of your progress and work a treat :D and the other thing concerning eating, i've come across a theory which works wonders for me, chew your food for extra long! I usually do about 35-45 chews depending on the food, but it somehow makes you feel like you've eaten alot more than what you have! Just make sure they are still good sized, decent, balanced, healthy meals :D also I cant view flags on my phone, so cant Tell which country you're from, but in the uk there's Shape yoghurts, they keep you fuller for longer :D
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