A
male
age
51-59,
*iserable w/o her
writes:I am 38 yrs old and have two children, 13 and 11 and I live with my dad. I have been divorced for 6 ½ years. My girlfriend of 10 years is 46 yrs old and is still married. She has two children, 21 and 17. She recently moved out after only 2 ½ weeks of living together. After leaving me she went back home to live with her husband. As a child, my girlfriends mother left her and her adopted brother when she was only 2 years old. She went to live with her father who eventually remarried. Her step mother mistreated her by beating, yelling and “picking” on her. When she was approximately 11 years old, she was molested by an uncle. She was married to her husband when she was 18 years old.Before filing for my divorce, she was constantly on my case about getting it done and not procrastinating. After filing the paperwork, I later learned that she had an ultimatum that if it wasn’t filed upon her return from a family vacation, she was going to leave me. Ironically, here I am divorced and she is still married. Prior to moving in with me, she viewed her status with her husband as “separated” as they have been living in separate bedrooms for several years. She had been in contact with an attorney and was preparing to file the paperwork but due to financial reasons had to postpone filing until this December. We had picked a wedding date of 12/10 based on the finalization of their divorce. The engagement ring has been purchased and payments have been made on the wedding band. My father and I have recently made approximately $9000.00 worth of modifications to the house to accommodate her and her daughter. A wood floor had to be installed in the family room and the master bedroom due to her having allergies. Two sets of doors were installed in the living room to convert it into a bedroom for her daughter. Prior to her moving in, she wanted to keep their house in hopes they would be able to sell it in 5 years or so and make a profit from the sale. It also allowed her husband and son to have somewhere to stay. My gut told me there was more to it than just that. Ever since she moved in I've felt as though she has had one foot out the door. On several occasions before moving in, she had expressed concerns of not wanting to live with a parent (my dad) but after getting to know him, she agreed. After only a couple of days together, the bickering had begun due to adjusting to the new situation. It was mainly my fault. In hind sight, I should have just kept my mouth shut and given everyone time to adjust to the new situation. Her daughter suspected the problem and decided to move out and go live with her father. After multiple attempts to reassure her, my girlfriend convinced her daughter to move back in with us. Unfortunately, the bickering never totally subsided. Partly due to the fact that once her daughter left and then returned, there were concerns as to when the next time would occur. A second reason was because I always felt as though she treated her daughter like a “best friend” and not as a child. I never felt like I was No.1 not that I expected her to ignore her daughter or shirk her parental duties. I understood that she had to put a “smile” on for her daughter and my children but I still didn’t feel like I did before she moved in. I realize that before moving in, I got the good times. Now I had the whole package which is what I have wanted for quite some time. I just didn’t feel special anymore. Another factor that contributed to the bickering was due to the fact that my girlfriend was homesick for her son and her two dogs. Prior to the move, we mutually agreed that on the days when I worked (I work shift work: 2 weeks days 7a-7p/ 2 weeks nights 7p-7a) she could go visit her son and dogs. I was sympathetic to the fact that she missed them. However, I didn’t know that it was going to be on a daily basis. The visits then began to occur on my days off as well. I just wasn’t comfortable with her going back “home” to a house she shared with her husband for 25 years who still resided there. The fact that the visits occurred when he was not there wasn’t the issue. I felt like she was keeping her options open and the house was her safety net. I even told her before she moved in that I wasn’t keen on the idea and I didn’t think it was fair to her husband that she could just drop by unannounced. I told her that it would be awkward for the both of them especially if he started to date someone. She wasn’t concerned and stated that she was still paying towards the mortgage and the bills and it was her house and she had a right to go there if she chose to do so. All I wanted was for her to commit to me 100% and be with me full time. Instead I felt like I was still sharing her. She then stated that she wanted to go there so she could work out. This in itself did not make me happy since we previously agreed that she would be moving all of her gym equipment and a dinning room set in later in the month (which did not happen). She stated it was because she did not want my dad or myself spending anymore money. Naturally this upset me and was another source of tension. Because of this, she stated that I "picked" on her constantly. I was just upset but never wanted her to leave. I felt there was more to it than her just not wanting to move anything else in. That’s when I started to realize that she didn’t really want to be there. I knew in the back of my mind though that it wasn't a matter of "if" she was going to leave, but when? Throughout the course of the relationship whenever there was a disagreement/argument, she would run and I would chase after her, always wanting and trying to smooth things over and make things right. Even while she was in the process of moving out, I told her that it didn’t have to happen and that I didn’t want her to leave me. Unfortunately, amongst all of the yelling and screaming, I said things I didn’t mean. My dad was also upset that she was leaving especially after having spent so much money. When she attempted to apologize to him for spending all that money, he told her he was upset for having done so. She in turn got furious and said, "All that talk of not wanting this to be over. Well it is and you can thank your dad for that!" I told her when she moved out that I didn’t want her to do it but I could tell that she did because the whole ordeal was over in a little over an hour.Earlier that morning on the day she left, my son was upset because he felt as though I was ignoring him and spending all of my time with the girlfriend. I apologized and reassured him that I would spend more time with him and that everything would work out. It just needed some to time so everyone could adjust to the new arrangement. After speaking with my son I became upset because I didn’t want him to feel like I was ignoring him. I felt like I was trying to make everyone else happy and in the process, I was miserable. I strongly believe that is how she felt as well. After speaking with her that morning, she concluded that I was mad and wanted her out because my son was upset. This however was not the case at all. At no time did I ever want her to leave. Even when she was in the process of moving out I asked her repeatedly if she was sure that she wanted to leave and all she said was, "It's too late to undo it now". I did tell her that if she left that it would be over because I can’t keep chasing after her. She nodded and said that she understood. Even with that said, I still feel as though she believes I will come running back because that’s what I’ve always done during the course of the relationship. All I wanted was to talk and attempt to work the problem(s) out. I've never felt that leaving or "running" would solve anything. In fact, I feel as though she used the fact that my son was upset as an excuse to leave which is what I believe she wanted all along. I know that I'm more upset now after she's left than I was when she was living with me which proves that I didn't want her to go. Earlier in the week after her daughter returned, she stated she was considering the idea of having her husband move out so she could move back in with her daughter and “nest”. She wanted to come over and stay with me on my days off while her husband stayed at the house. Then she would go back on the days/nights I worked while her husband stayed somewhere else. My concern was what she thought would change from now to another year or so from now. She said the difference would be that her daughter would have graduated from high school and would likely be in community college. My thought was that it was just another excuse. When her daughter temporarily moved out, I was there for her because I didn't want either one of them to leave and I knew that by her daughter doing so, she held the upper hand. Because if something came along that she didn't like, she could just move out again. I realized that it was difficult for my girlfriend and I sympathized with her. She thanked me for being there for her and told me she was afraid of losing me and that I’d been very “cool’ with all that had gone on with the whole situation. She told me she was committed to making it work and that I completed her. I too felt the same way. I was totally committed to her and I wanted the relationship to work more than anything. I just felt as though as long as I had a smile on and wasn’t “picking”, things were wonderful. It seemed that when there was a problem or disagreement, her only answer was to run or ultimately leave me. Upon moving in, she had excitedly told everyone she knew that we were moving in together and planning on getting married. She also told these same people about all of the medical problems that she was dealing with both past and present and potential problems looming in the near future. Among her numerous medical conditions she also has ADD. At no time did I ever want to give up on her or the relationship. None of this ever deterred me from wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. I’ve always been there to support her and to be by her side not because I had to but because I wanted to. During the course of the relationship, we both commented on how we felt like an old pair of slippers. We just fit. We were very comfortable with each other. We had excellent communication amongst us. She completed me and I believe we were meant to be together. I believe we are soul mates. We shared similar beliefs, values and had so much in common. Neither one of us drank, smoked or did drugs. We were both homebodies. She was good to my children and I thought I was to hers. I treated her daughter like she was my own. Our tastes were almost identical. We could finish each others thoughts and sentences. We were very open and extremely honest with each other. She was my best friend who I told everything to. The closeness we felt and the bond we shared from our sex life was phenomenal. She often commented on wishing that she never wanted to leave the bedroom. She said it’s where she felt the safest and most protected. I’ve never felt closer to anyone like I did her. I know everyone says the pain will subside and it will eventually get better with time but I don’t want it to. I don’t want to let go and I certainly don’t want to find someone else. I’ve told her several times in the past that there will never be a replacement for her and if the situation ever did arise, whoever it was would always be chasing a ghost because I would always be comparing them to her. I don’t want to portray myself as the victim. I too have many issues to contend with as well. None of which I am proud of. I have a low self esteem, jealousy issues fueled by my ex-wife who cheated on me several times and I have anger issues. At no time did any of our arguments become physical. I’ve never loved or cared for anyone like I do her. I want her back so bad and I’m tired of hurting because of this. I feel no relief from this at all. I have no interest of finding someone else. Ironically, I don't want to be with anyone else but I don't want to be alone either. I just want her back in my arms. I’ve never loved anyone more than I do her. I’ve also never tries to make things work with someone as much as I have with her. I’m so confused. I’ve been contemplating whether I should call or send her a text or wait in hopes that she might contact me. I thought of suggesting couples counseling in hopes of getting things back on track. I am open to any suggestions that you might have. Please help. Thank you.
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best friend, cheated on me, divorce, drugs, ex-wife, jealous, money, moved in, moved out, my ex, self esteem, sex life, soul mates, soulmate, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): sorry to say but i think your relationship is a mess.. you should just find someone better.. someone who deserves your love and vice versa.. dont try to force things that is not worth sacrificing..
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 July 2009):
 She's not your wife. You hardly go to couples counseling with someone else's wife. You've been played, my man.
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