A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im 21 and i been in a relationship with this man thats 28 for 3 years and we had a daughter that passed away. The pregnacy came unexpected and at first he didnt want kids then he wanted them. Now he wants to try again and i am really scared to go through that again. I feel that the only reason that he wants to try again is because i want to go to the army again, just like the first time. Dont get me wrong i love him and want a baby but not so fast after i just lost the first one. Should i have another baby for him since he dont have any other kids? I really dont know what to do.
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (7 May 2009):
My wife and I lost our first child to birth complications. She lived about a day.
That was a very rough time for us, especially coming after the pregnancy had been so intimate and loving. I had some of the same feelings your B/F expressed. I wasn't sure I was ready for a child, or even wanted one, but after losing our daughter I realized that I really DID want them. The months afterward were especially hard on my wife, who felt guilty and a failure because our baby died, and it was compounded when we had a little difficulty getting pregnant again. (We went on to have 3 fabulous kids.)
In retrospect I know that whole chain of events drew us closer to each other and is a significant factor that defines us as a couple. I don't see much "us" talk in your post. There is talk of "my Army career", "his child", "my fears", etc - but nothing about "our life together". In my opinion that's not an environment likely to produce healthy, fulfilled kids.
Quite frankly, it sounds like your "relationship" is more like a business deal than anything even close to marriage. In the thread, "Should we get engaged?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-we-get-engaged.html ] I mentioned 5 things that you and your guy should probably talk about in the near future.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 May 2009):
 The way you ask your question is REALLY odd.
"Should i have another baby for him since he dont have any other kids?"
Should I drive by the supermarket for him since he is out of cigarettes?
It sounds far to casual and almost as if you expect him to get a kid somewhere else.
Anyway, a child is a very serious consideration. Your fears and future desires as well as your partners need to be considered. How likely is the miss carriage to happen again. Are you more ready to deal with it now, more healthy perhaps or since you know what is wrong can get medical attention straight from the start.
You also still have some desires that don't really match with having a baby. Army and a child? Is that possible? If there are still things you want to do before becoming a parent you need to either do them or accept they might never happen.
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