A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My situation is a complicated one so I'll try to keep it to the basics. In our relationship, my S.O. and I have had trust issues stemming from social media. I admit there was a line I crossed at one point but I've never faltered from loving him. There were times I thought we lost it all but every time we came back just as strong, and consequently, it seems we dug ourselves deeper into the relationship. This last time, it was the worst. It broke us, well I can only speak for myself, but it was one of those breakups that's truly life-changing. I had reevaluate my entire being and I'd like to think I came out a better person. But true to form we drifted back together. Now, I'm the one with the issue, as I seen something on his social media that disturbed me. He became connected with someone that I know that he doesn't know personally other than maybe seeing each other once or twice because I am connected to this person socially. This person had one of those broad juvenile "anyone want to text" updates, and he had "liked" it. Seeing as how we're just getting back together, in a very fragile state emotionally, and I'm 5 months pregnant, I'm offended by seeing this. I'm feeling very insecure and mistrusting because I only happened to see this because I'm friends with the girl, and not him at all. It's possible he could be doing this with several other people. I know, I'm driving myself crazy thinking hypothetically, but it's a very real possibility. And the worst part is, I'm getting a "taste of my own medicine." I suppose were both in just a huge mess. Maybe we don't belong together but every time we're apart, I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I suppose we're an unhealthy pair, but we can't seem to give up on each other. Any advice for a mess?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016): Hi there. You are 5 months pregnant...may I ask is it with his child?Ok I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. I am reminded of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie finds the boyfriend she cheated on previously is now hardcore flirting with another woman to get back at her. Here is the thing: I don't know if you actually cheated. Or just flirted. Either way, the thing is, his ego took a major hit when you hurt him. So sorry, but he is going to want affirmation from other women now. And you may have to put up with that for a while.I think you need to talk to him and tell him you totally understand if he has an urge to retaliate. But that he also cannot keep punishing you for the past. If you are going to survive and move forward as a couple, he has to find some way of forgiving you, and you BOTH need to be keeping each other's trust. But yes I think he will always want to have a little flirt with girls from now on for the ego boost. It doesn't mean he will cheat. I think you need to talk to him and make sure he is on the same page about fidelity going forward.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 I don't see anything to incriminating about him liking the post, what I do see is a woman who is probably hormonal and you think back to when you where not to be trusted and this puts paranoia in your head.
The thing is once the trust has gone it is hard to get it back. Are you sure your partner trusts you? Have you spoke things through? He might be trying but he might be struggling, so talk to him.
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A
female
reader, EnvyLawliet  +, writes (8 December 2016):
I myself study social media as part of my degree and can tell you this is not uncommon. Remember that social media is not real and that, face to face is more important. Social media will absorb people into a state of techno-obsession. So maybe try talking to him, maybe have a weekend away with no internet access and see how you feel. Also remember that you could easily fall into the social media trap too- its very addictive. So perhaps try to maybe just both sign out for a week spend some quality time together and review how you feel. If you are pregnant also, just point out that to him that you feel this way and don't want social media affecting your quality time together. Gently does it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): Well, hormones are going to dog your emotions to some degree. All sorts of stuff is going to run through your mind, you'll cry at the drop of a hat, and your emotions will run rampant. It's all natural, sweetie!
It's usually karma that makes the cheater paranoid of what the cheated-party will do in retaliation; due to their own guilt. Thus a lesson has been learned in empathy. You know only by feeling the betrayal yourself, and reaping what you sow.
If you have been fully forgiven; then it only follows that you must forgive yourself. Otherwise; karma will continue to eat at you to make you anxious, suspicious, and insecure. Because of what you did first. Everyone makes mistakes, and no one deserves indefinite punishment. Lest the transgression is repeated, and there was no repentance for the first violation. We are not deities, and do not possess the power of infinite forgiveness.
We're only human. We have faults and weaknesses; so we must realize this in order to survive, and to forgive others. As well as ourselves.
Now you must be an adult. Social media battles are for teenagers. Liking someone and communication through emojis is childish and immature behavior. It's just an empty gesture like friending people you've never met in your life, and probably never will. You are torturing yourself over things that "might happen;" but actually haven't. You could go totally insane behind such an immature mindset.
Until you have solid evidence of cheating; live at peace with yourself. Offer him trust until there is justified reason to stop.
Bringing a child into the picture before you had a solid and established relationship, only adds to your insecurity.
He is not obligated to be faithful just because you're pregnant. He is legally and morally obligated to the child he fathered. That's the risk of unwed pregnancy. Planned or not.
So a guy sticking around during pregnancy prior to marriage is basically on the honor-system. The sad part is, the child becomes a pawn when two people break-apart. A child is not collateral, and doesn't bind a relationship. So for the child sake, you must manage and set your personal-insecurities aside. The child deserves a strong and fit mother. Babies don't get to choose being born, or their parents.
You're going to be a mother. Grow-up and get it together, sweetheart. If he is good to you, shows you affection, and assumes totally responsibility to you and his offspring; chill-out and get a grip! It's the guilt and your hormones tripping you out.
You need the strong support of other women right now. It will get you through this. That kind of powerful support, money can't buy!
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (8 December 2016):
I agree that having confidence is good thing but we are not robots so being indifferent isn't the way to go as basically you would be closing down your feelings . So I wouldn't see that working in the long run . If you have to do that then you are best of not together .. my suggestion couple therapy now ASAP
Also chuck social media until after the baby born if you can . You don't need the stress
Talk with him face to face .. tell him how you feel . If you feel there more to this then tell him that as well
His job is to reassure you .. and not be offended or defending himself unless you are really reading this wrong
Have you done the same to him .. chats to other guys ? If so do you think he is playing you back .. If so tell him you are pregnant and you two need to stop playing games .
Counselling ASAP
Lots of talking with your support network like mum sis friends etc on how you feel .. do not get yourself so worked up you are crying etc ..again isn't fair on baby
This is no longer about you and him
There is more important person coming along who needs you both .. so its time I'm sorry sweetie to get both your act together.
Take care chin up and keep in touch
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (8 December 2016):
I agree that having confidence is good thing but we are not robots so being indifferent isn't the way to go as basically you would be closing down your feelings . So I wouldn't see that working in the long run . If you have to do that then you are best of not together .. my suggestion couple therapy now ASAP
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): my advice is to work on getting yourself to a point where you are indifferent to his actions and believing you have plenty of other options who would treat you miles better. When you adopt this mentality you will start to give off this energy to others and the way they are towards you will change. Perhaps a good effect of this mentality would be that your boyfriend will start chasing you.
When the baby is born you will notice a similar thing to a lot of new mothers. The ultimate happiness and well being and love for your child becomes the upmost priority and men sometimes get jealous and attention seek or try hard to be your priority again. You will get that pleasure
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