A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 14 years has gradually started drinking more often. He has never been a heavy drinker but he is a regular pot smoker and he likes wine. For the past year he has been drinking a half to three quarters of a bottle of wine every night 4-5 nights a week. He says it just tastes good with his favorite foods, cheese and steak and bread. He says Americans are too anti-drinking and the amount is normal for a European (he is American).He can't hold alcohol well, but his tolerance has increased some and he drinks until he's drunk, as in stumbling, slurring, etc. but not wasted. Then he goes to bed, though the past year he has developed insomnia and can't stay asleep. Lately he has also started to forget conversations we had and he had with the kids. Our kids are in jr. high. A couple weeks ago he got mad that he only just learned a birthday party we were planning for our daughter was a sleepover, though he had participated fully in the details a week earlier and suggested the time they should leave the morning after. He didn't remember the conversation at all. I don't know if he'd been drinking then or not, he didn't seem to be drunk then. He said he probably just couldn't remember because he was so irritated that the house was a wreck and couldn't focus on anything but cleaning (he's anal about that).He only drinks at night, except now on weekends he puts Baileys in his coffee, and that shocked me when he told me he puts it in all his morning coffee now. But he doesn't make coffee before work, so he doesn't drink on weekday mornings, and he never misses a day of work, and he takes care of the house and cooks and cleans. When I commented he was getting moody and irritable when he drank he said it just brought to the surface whatever feelings he had that day. I'm sure that's true, since he's generally moody but stuffs all his feelings and drink will bring them out in anybody. He is never violent or verbally abusive but he checks out a lot, especially after dinner at night, he drinks and goes to bed, then gets up later and watches tv till dawn. On social occasions he drinks more, up to 2 bottles of wine and sometimes beer if it's around. He still smokes pot daily, but doesn't if it isn't around. Usually being drunk makes him stupid sweet and hypersexual which kind of repulses me or really irritable and he'll start ranting about how society and the world suck.I know I can't control him and he won't respond to anything but loving suggestions, but he doesn't usually respond to those either. I got to the point where I decided to go back to school because our kids are older and tend to my own life. Then I found out I was pregnant. Now I feel hopeless, like I have to make this work, but with him drinking I just don't know. I don't know if he's drinking enough to matter if he otherwise functions. I just don't like talking to him drunk and can't really plan anything with him when he's drunk. And I'm worried it will get worse but I don't know what worse is in a person like him, peaceful but a chronic avoider. I guess the main thing I'm trying to figure out is if he's on the road to alcoholism, or even already there? When I commented to him, he cut back to exactly half a bottle of wine, 4 nights a week, but I've been away during the week commuting to school and I don't know if he just cut back while I was home with him. Is this a problem or am I over worrying? What's going to happen with a new baby in the house? I keep wondering if my baby would be better off not growing up in this house. Everyone from the outside seems to think he is a perfect father because he takes the kids out to do things on weekends, etc. And he does. But no one realizes he gets drunk so much. I don't think the kids even do. They adore him. I keep thinking maybe it's all in my head and not his and maybe I'm being selfish and intolerant. I'm not opposed to alcohol but I want a stable home environment and a man I can share my life and days with and I can't even talk to him half the time because he isn't with it.
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female
reader, bladefisher35  +, writes (23 April 2007):
it's the weed that's making him lose his short term memory not the alcohol. however your man seems to have a problem with dealing with life without the need of a mask in the form of drink or drugs. he is unwell, whether he wants to believe it or not. what are his stresses, why is he avoiding you's? does life feel too much for him to handle? is there an underlying depression? healthy people in mind and body seem to withstand the need of substances to improve their mood because they are more sure of themselves and how they conduct themselves within relationships nad society. ask him what would make him happy? ask him to think about undone life wishes. how he would like to feel, and why he needs weed and drink to blur life? ask him how he see's his role in your family, and with you as his partner, is it meeting his expectations, or does he think it could be improved and how. but most of all, tell him your concerns in a non judgemental way, and tell him that you feel insecure about raising a child with a man that can hardly remember his name... would he forget to pick children up from school for example. also, ask him to keep a diary and just to write the first things that come into his mind, so that he can see for himself over time, where his thoughts and feelings lie, what stresses him, and his personal wishes. tell him you need a strong partner, and your concerned about him in a loving way. and also, tell him, that you are giving him a time frame within which to improve or you will leave... but only if you mean it. He needs to know how you are feeling. finally, ask him if he thinks he can make these changes on his own or needs proffessional support. initial fireworks will not last long when he realises himself that he is less than the man he really wants to be for you him and your family. suggest things to look forward to waking up to.. when life feels more interesting and fun and he feels responsible and proud of the daily outcome, he won't want the masks anymore. good luck... caz x
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