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male
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*pzedictator
writes: Okay. So my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 8 months and we have been pretty happy. We plan on moving in together this summer and have talked about the future together. BUT, now i'm confused. We are both friends with one of his ex's, to the extent that we have had a threesome. My boyfriend has said before that if I had sex with our friend by ourselves that he wouldnt really mind. And i have had sex with him twice now but i havn't told my boyfriend. I've started having feelings for our friend, but still have feelings for my boyfriend. BOYFRIENDI can't really define what it is that i get from my boyfriend, and i'm not really sure if i feel this way about him because he is my first.He is young, and going to college. We see eachother everyday, and i think i could see us being together for the rest of our lives. OUR FRIEND And then with our friend, it was much better sex where he made me feel special, and important. He can comfort me better than my boyfriend does. He is ten years older than me. I'm not sure if it would ever work out with us because he is secretive, and i dont agree with certain aspects of his life. He is able to give the care and passion that i want in a relationship, but nothing that would be a long lasting one. I'm just a little confused about everything. I'm hoping that a few outside perspectives will put things in order for me. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): I wouldn't pick either man if I were you. They are both immature men weak who made a self-centered to satisfy their fantasy with you in the starring role. You made a poor choice, hun. I have never met a situation where "multiple partnering", over the long term, improved any committed relationship. I really have misgivings about men who set up and/or persuade their beloveds (gf's/spouses/partners) to have sex with other men. I would hope that all men would have enough respect and love for their gf's that the idea of another man 'boinking' her, would be far too painful a thought to even consider. I would also hope all women have enough self-respect and modesty to never allow herself to be 'used' in this fashion. You won’t be able to fix who they are, or change them. However, you can change yourself. I think you made an huge mistake because you seem confused and so desperate to be loved that you will get it, any way you can. I would get away as far as I could, from both of them and start afresh with a man who loves you and respects you fully and accepts you as is. I would also suggest you keep any or all future 'threesomes' or multiple partnering in any committed relationship you undertake..out of your life for good.
Remember, trust and respect equals love...it's is the foundation of any potential, long term relationship. Cheating and Infidelities with or without a partner's consent is wrong, and it has no place in a mature, committed relationship that has potential for possible marriage and children, in one's future. Many of the choices you'll make now will impact your future and your commitment will be dependent on your character, and how you choose to keep it intact. Having threesomes does not build trust...it does not build the unity and respect, a couple needs over the long term. Especially when marriage, children, paying mortgages and the challenges of life, eventually take over. Having a relationship with any one of these men will only serve to hurt you further as you mature and realize what "true committed love is" Because if you did this once with them, they won't forget and it could come back and haunt your relationship in the future. Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): hello,
it sounds like you are in love with your boyfriend and can see yourself with him in the long run. that is key in a loving lasting relationship. on the other hand, your friend gives you better sex, but is more secretive and things. if i were you, i would stay with my boyfriend. he has been there for you, and will continue to be..you even said yourself that you can see being with him. don't ruin what you have with your boyfriend over this friend or you will risk losing him and maybe never get back together again after his trust was broken.
it sounds like oyur boyfriend cares a lot about you and trusts you enough to go and have sex with this friend of yours.
as far as the sex is concerned, you say that the friend has more passion and is better at it. well, one of the benefits of a loving long term relationship is that you can get to know one another and eachother's likes and dislikes. tell your boyfriend what it is that you want in bed. then, with time and practive, i'm sure that the sex will get better.
i guess it all comes down to this: do you want to be with your boyfriend whom you already have a relationship with, and can see yourself with for the rest of your life, or your friend whom you see as, essentially, a sexual fling. because you said that you don't see yourself with him, and don't agree with certain aspects of his life, and he is secretive. think of all the problems this would cause in a relationship with him.
my advice is to stay with your boyfriend and forget about the friend..it sounds like lust, not true love.
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