A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am friends with this guy, we got introduced and hit it off straightaway, so much in common, have a blast together,and extremely attracted to each other. But were just friends, started to text more and more, but then he gets back together with his ex, tells me, and Im hurt, but understand he has the guts to tell me, and so we are just friends, since then things with the gf are hot and cold, mostly cold, and during this time, we have grown closer, havent meant too, just happened, to the point of going too far, many late nights at his house....then he tells me everything is good with his gf, I blow up at him, saying what the hell was what we were doing? etc. things calm down, the bottom line is that, him and his gf are trying to work things out, she lives 3 hours away, and its not working that well. He knows I want him to break up with her if it aint working. So what do I do? Hes not a player, by any means!
View related questions:
his ex, player, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Hi Stina,I want to say thank you so much for your advice. Its been so good:)and I agree with what your saying. Yeah we do have alot to talk about. and yes his gf doenst know about me at all.Its like hes playing games with me, and Im just so over games, so immature. I would have totally let this go a long time ago, but I didnt want too deep down in my heart because I know they kind of guy that he is. Hes really not the kind to be a player, or to purposely hurt a girl. His personality isnt built like that. So I will take your advice and talk to him, about the timing, and my feelings. I will let you know the result.Thank you so much for your help:)
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (31 May 2007):
 Hello again Anonymous,
It seems like you have a big heart - I can tell that you aren't the homewrecker type just by the posts you've written so far. I think it's totally unfair for this guy to be doing this to you and also to his girlfriend.
This guy says that he wants you both, but it doesn't seem like that's what you want. And I doubt that the girlfriend knows anything about you (maybe she does?). The question is are you all okay with having open relationships? I don't think you are.
The point of dating around is to find who you are most compatable with - someone who will make you happy. Especially in the first few months of being together. I don't really see that in this case. It seems to me that you are constantly frustrated, confused, worried, hoping not to gain the rep of being a homewrecker, hurt, angry...and the list goes on.
Now, onto the actual person you are seeing. You are extremely attracted to one another, and obviously you have a lot to talk about from what you've written (I think). So the guy seems good except for this girlfriend.
What I would do in your position is straight up tell him that it would be great if you two could be together because you really think that you match on so many levels, but that the timing is just not right. And it's not right for him - or you - to be confused. I would tell him that I respect him enough to leave him alone to figure things out. I would also make it clear that his actions are also hurting you and you don't want to force yourself into having negative feelings all the time - it's not healthy. I would let him know that while I care about him, it simly is not going to work, but maybe down the road things could work - after he's had time to get over his girlfriend and make a real committment to me. (The last thing you want to do is end up dating this guy while he secretly still isn't over his gf. God, that would be worse than what you're going through now!)
Honestly, I would find someone who wants to be with you and doesn't have an on/off partner. You should be happy getting lost in one another at the beginning of a relationship! Instead, with this guy, you're just getting lost in angry and hurt feelings...and having to hear about the girlfriend.
If you do stay with him, are you willing to keep feeling like crap? I wouldn't think so. I think you deserve better and I think you need to tell him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): In response to my answers, I wanted to say thank you.
Does it make any differnce that he says I wish id met you earlier. I said to him do you want me? He said yes. and I said you want your gf too though, he said yes. So he wants his cake and wants to eat it too.
I dont want to be the homewrecker kind of a girl, Im not like that, I told him that I said your poor gf. He then says that when weve gotten together him and his gf werent together, but I dont know...
So the best thing is probably to leave him, and if he really does want me hell come for me, otheriwse forget it, But thats the hardest thing, cos when I get strong to ignore him, hes contstantly texting and ringing me. I wish he would make up his mind, its hard to let go too because I know we would work so well togehter. Surely if it was going to work out with his gf, things would have gotten better or why do they keep going hot and cold, maybe its not meant to be. I dont know.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): You know I was in a similar situation, last year. But I was the one with the boyfriend, and we had taken a break. We had been "hot and cold," for a while, too. So, he made friends with another girl, he could lean on, when things got rough. The night we split, he went to the other girl's birthday party. They slept together. He told me, a few days after. They were seeing a lot of each other. He had gone to her appartment a lot. My mind was going nuts, knowing he was with her. We had been together for years. She was with him for days. Yet he told me, they had a connection. They talked a lot. Something we never do. After a few months, my boyfriend and I decieded to get back together. So, he was truthful to her. He told me he ended things with her. This was in November, 2006. I found out they were still text messeging each other till Feb.2007. My gut was telling me something was wrong, so checked his phone records. My gut was right. He confesses that she would ask how he was from time to time. She didn't want to let go. She was hurling herself at him. Which I think is such a turn-off. He wanted to be with me, and she didn't get it. It's good, not to be the home wreaker. Cheating is a hear breaker. For every party involved!
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (30 May 2007):
Hi there Anonymous,
I think the decent thing to do for everyone involved is for you and this guy to stop talking. He's trying to work things out with his girlfriend and from what I can gather from your question you're practically heaving yourself on him (telling him that you want him to break up). He is confused, yet he knows what he wants: his girlfriend.
I think you should be respectful and leave him alone. Also, if you keep talking to him, you're just going to keep feeling frustrated and resentful. Do you see it going anywhere else? (Honestly.)
Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 You say he is not a player, but he is playing you both at the moment. he needs to decide where his priorities lie. With her? Or with you?
You cant be expected to just be around in case it doesnt work out with his girlfriend, your emotions are involved and he must understand this.
In my opinion i think you need to keep your distance from him, if he misses you that much and makes that choice then he will be willing to make the sacrifice to break up his current relationship to be with you. Or continue down the road he is going with girlfriend.
R
...............................
A
female
reader, DontFlirtWithSuicide +, writes (30 May 2007):
 just stay friends, flirt a little get drunk and give him one kiss maby, make your self unavalible make him jelouse , him and his gf wont last long so tease him till hes begging for yoo =]
good luck
...............................
|
