A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There is a guy that I've known of for about a decade and always had a crush on but we'd never really spoken much to eachother. We now both work in the same organisation and are also on the same college course. Since starting the course we have started hanging out and getting to know eachother. We fancy eachother and although I decided from the start to not act on that until the course had finished one thing led to another and we've been casually seeing eachother.We get on well but I'm starting to regret getting involved. Now that I know him more I know our values don't exactly line up.I think I'm more together than what he is, I own my own house, have savings and have drive to do college work. He lives with his parents or in his camper (since he separated from his wife), he's in debt (partly coz he's supporting his ex and their children) but he's also just really terrible with money. He has no oomph to do his college work, he doesn't see his kids regularly coz he doesn't organise it (that makes me feel very sorry for his kids.)He can't seem to get his life in order, and seems very overwhelmed. I have moments like everyone does of feeling overwhelmed but can pick myself up quicker.I understand the situation he's in, and can see why he's down but I don't think that can justify me dedicating to him. he probably just has hit a low which is understandable but what if it never improves? I don't want to carry him.. Its hard enough dealing with my own issues!I've also had some gynae issues lately so haven't had much of a sex drive, and have let him know all this but he still persists which is a big turn off. Also, He doesn't know that years ago I was raped.. If he did he would probably be more considerate.. But.. If I say I don't want to have sex he should not persist full stop!He also said a while ago that the divorce from his ex was going through but more recently said they haven't filed for divorce coz there is no point yet. We have never talked about what is going on between us, he's never called me his gf but has invited me to a few festivals this year with him and his mates.I have also been speaking to a guy online recently who seems to be ticking all the boxes of my dream man and he has asked me on a date. The fact I want to go on a date with this man just shows that I am not dedicated to forming a relationship with the guy I'm studying with. But I don't know how to go about talking to him. I don't know how to word things, I'm worried he will get more depressed. I don't want to lose a friendship, or make things awkward at college.
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crush, debt, depressed, divorce, his ex, money, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2019): It's not even official; and technically, he's still married. You know all these details of his life and how disorganized he is. Why is it so hard to be honest these days?
You are not in a relationship; therefore, you can tell him straight-away that you've decided it is best that you move on. Be honest and tell him that you'd like to date other people.
He'll either understand, or he won't. He's got too many personal-issues to attend to, to even have time for a girlfriend. He's still married if the divorce isn't legally-finalized.
He'll get more depressed. So be it.
What makes you think you're the reason he's holding it together?
From what you've described he's already a mess. I don't think your not dating him anymore is going to add that much to his problems.
Honestly, don't be too surprised if he's not that upset; if sex isn't on the table. He might find some comfort in your company; but you haven't described any sort of established relationship going-on here.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 May 2019):
 I think you just NEED to put on your big girl panties and tell this guy that you don't see you two working out.
DO NOT offer friendship. Just end it and be civil at college.
The guy is still married. He doesn't seem to have his stuff together at all. The whole "can't be bothered to get a divorce" is a crap thing to say. Because that means HE won't REALLY have to commit to anyone new - since he CAN'T as he is TECHNICALLY still married.
So the sooner you have a chat about NOT seeing each other anymore, the better. For both of you.
And yes, NO means no. Someone who is acting like a sex pest is a HUGE FRIGGING turn off.
As for him being depressed if you end it... THAT isn't up to you to try an prevent or fix. THAT is... NO MATTER WHAT... HIS issue to deal with.
Don't SADDLE yourself with a guy you see no future with because you feel sorry for him. Pity dating is kinda of cruel.
YOU are an adult, HANDLE this like an adult.
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