A
female
age
51-59,
*roubledintn
writes:ok everybody i need advice...i was married and met the man that i am with now. he was also married when we met. i was living an open marriage with my ex husband at the time and he had been cheating on his exwife from time to time. we met and my husband at the time knew i was going to meet him, then in turned into an affair between us . we fell in love , we both got divorced and had been together ever since. we get along so great... we have two issues though my past that i lived with my ex and his ex wife... to me it seems like he wsa fine when we we were just hooking up but then when he fell in love with me it all changed. he starting asking about my past.. he wanted to know but i wanted to leave it in the past. i didnt know how to explain it all to him at once.. so not wanting to hurt him it took me a while to tell him everything...he also gets so mad and says very hurtful things to me about my past which makes me want to shut down down but at the same time i try and fight harder because i dont want to lose him...i just wanted him to love me for me and not want to not wanna be with me because of my past. i was scared to lose him.. in all my life i never felt the love or joy in my life with anyone like i have with him or feel for him. he is everything to me ... but he gets so mad and hurt when i tell him things. i cannot get him to understand that even though i lived the way i did that i found everything i ever needed or wanted when i met him. now he is in korea he left on march the 9th. and i am miserable without him. please help me to be able to explain my past to him so he can understand my life then verses now so i dont lose this wonderful man...........................
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female
reader, louweez23  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 The problem isn't your past honey. The problem is he doesn't trust you.This is one of the best examples I can think of for you to end one relationship before starting another.If you don't it makes a statement about your moral values and your integrity. If you can cheat on one husband, and leave him for another man you can cheat on this one. As he was also married, take a good long look at his wife because that will be you in a few months time. I don't know what terrible things he said about her when you first started your affair but I will bet my bottom dollar he is now saying them about you.There are big big red flags in your messgae. First of all you were in an open relationship with your first husband. This suggests that neither of you were getting your needs met within the marriage. That suggests there is something about you that you need to change in order to fulfil a man, ANY man. So that needs sorting before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone.Of course all of this applies to him to. He had already cheated on his previous wife, several times. That suggests he wasn't getting his needs met in his first marriage and doesn't know how to ask for them to be fulfilled. His way of dealing with getting his needs met is to go out and find someone else to meet them.Now bearing in mind you want this relationship to work (which incidentally there is very little chance of - only 1% of relationships born of adultery last) you need to get some counselling. Both of you.You both have very unhealthy patterns of relating.You can't change him, but you can make massive steps in changing yourself so next time you're in an unhappy realtionship (i.e. now)you don't repeat the same mistakes you have in the past.Good luckLouise
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Honey!! What you did in your past had nothing to do with him, therefore you shouldnt have to explain anything. He is far from whiter than himself, as he left his wife to be with you. Once you go down this road it becomes awkward, because one of you may have more of a past than the other. It shouldnt matter, the main thing is that you are together and you should both make the most of your future. I would be tempted to say I no longer want to focus on the past, and dont want to discuss it anymore.
Hope all goes well XX
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 If he loves you , he should not dig up the past.
You cannot change the past or rewrite history.
Whatever happened , it is in the past.
He can either accept you as what you are or he wants to break off and using this excuse.
His past is no better and nothing to shout about.
He is bias and prejudice and have formed an opinion of you.
It will be an uphill task to convince him.
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