A
male
age
36-40,
*eeleo
writes:Hi,I'm in a situation where i really don't know whats going on/gone on in my head recently.I'm in the forces and based in germany, i went home for a bit of summer leave at the beginning of august this year and met an amazing girl who lived in my town through an online dating site, she's 21 (i'm 24) and has a 4 year old boy, we met up, totally hit it off, and for the last 2 weeks of my leave we hardly spent a moment apart, since coming home from leave we've been talking on msn and texting each other pretty much everyday.Now..... Although i haven't actually proposed, i was planning on doing it when i go home in 2 weeks time, she thinks i'm planning to at xmas, we have been talking a lot about getting married next summer, she's even off to a wedding fayre today with my sister (who's engaged). Trouble is for the past few days i've started to have doubts/2nd thoughts about the whole thing, I'm undecided at the min about where my career is going or what i even want to do in the future and don't think this is the ideal mindset to be going into a marriage with, i thought people had things like their career sorted before they thought about marriage?? She's really excited about it though and i know it'll hurt her so much if i told her i wasn't sure about getting married, i'm going home in 10 days and was planning on staying with her for the week that i'm back, she's booked time off work and everything.I really don't know what to do, i've always been a pretty independant person and usually in this situation i wouldnt have a second thought about someone else's feelings, i know its cold but i usually look after number 1 and thats all that matters to me. There's so much more i want to do in the world, i'm an outdoors person and theres plenty of things i want to see and do, trek the himalayas, visit the mayan ruins, i think that getting married takes away all the freedom i have at the min, i could leave the army next year and go wherever i want and do whatever i want to do, i think the thought of giving up that freedom scares me.I think i've gone on enough here lol i just really dont want to hurt her, she's been with a few bad guys in the past and i think she see's me as her shining knight thats came to rescue her from all of that, and i want to be that for her but i also don't want to feel tied down and restricted.I'm soooo confused, HELP!!! please :)
View related questions:
engaged, msn, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (21 September 2008):
 Better to hurt her feelings now then 10 years down the line when you are unhappy, she's unhappy and you both decide to get a divorce and she ends up resenting you.
You are having doubts because deep down, you are not ready. You love her, but you have so many things you want to accomplish before you settle down. You have every right to feel this way. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
You sound like you care deeply about her. If this is true love, then she will wait for you or you can marry her down the line when both of you guys are more mature and have more life experience.
She too is young and needs to go live her life. She too should have dreams to accomplish. She should not base her happiness solely on you. I understand she has a child and you are the perfect guy that swept her off her feet. However, marraige is a HUGE commitment, and when reality hits, (bills, mortgage,screaming kids) you are going to look back and wish you did what you wanted before settling down. I'm not saying to end it with her. If she is truly your life partner, she would understand and be by your side. Yes, she will be heartbroken and disappointed about marraige. She's built this fantasy up in her mind how happy you both will be together. But that is not reality. If you don't have your shit together, before marraige. It will only get worse. Marriage does not guarantee that you'll be together forever. And I know that she wants the security of having a man take care of her and her child. But the truth is, she must learn to do it too on her own too feet.
I know I'm rambling on, and I don't even know if I make any sense. But I don't think it's selfish for you to feel this way at all. If your gut instinct is telling you it's not right...then most likely it isn't. (wait..did you say August of this year? So you've met her only for 2 months?)
Trust me, don't rush it! Take your time in getting to know each other.
A
female
reader, x..Rachel..x +, writes (21 September 2008):
 I think you should seriously think about this,it's a lifetime commitment.You have to think how it will affect your life,her life and importantly her sons life too.
I wish you lots of luck,Just try to stay true to how YOU feel.Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): you know...there is something called 'divorce'...
...............................
|
