A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop fighting with my boyfriend.We've always fought, at least once every other day, for the entire time we've been together. And I mean that, even before we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we were fighting.So now we've been together for a year and 5 months, and we're planning on moving in with each other on Saturday. We'll both be going to college next year. It will be his second year and my first.I suddenly realized that I have a codependancy problem when it comes to him...It's not so much that I really want to be with him...just that I'm so terribly afraid of being alone. I don't know how to be happy about life unless I'm sharing the experience with someone else...And I'm just so fed up. I can't stop being angry anymore. He keeps wanting me to change, and he makes it feel that no matter what the situation is, it is always me, and only me in the fault...and I'm not saying I'm faultless, but I often say what I have done wrong upfront...And it I tell him that something he did upset me he takes it as me attacking him.I just. I don't want to care anymore, but I do...does that make sense?Even just now, I woke up, packed some boxes, and had a shower. The moment I got out I heard someone knocking on the door (it was my boyfriend). He came over because I said I had some boxes that he could use, but he hadn't said that he was coming over, and he gave me little-to-no notice, so I got upset, because I've told him over and over again that he could come into my house even when no one was home (which he already knew that I was anyways). there was no need for him to force me to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, just for bloody boxes..So I acted upset (obviously) and he just treats me like I don't deserve his time. He completely ignored me, and walked out without so much as thanking me/kissing me/apologizing/whatever, so I slammed the bloody door after him.It didn't even matter to me that his mother was walking back to the Van with him. I just..don't care anymore, and I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, 4alltherightreasons  +, writes (30 December 2008):
LEAVE HIM NOW! Hopefully you already have.I have experience in this sad area. I just broke up with a man whom I dated for almost two years. We where supposed to move in together as well. Let me make this clear to you; what you are experiencing isn't love! Love does look, act like this. I was blamed for everything as well; if you believe in your heart and gut you are right, or that what he is doing is wrong to you, leave him! Don't wait for him to change because he won't, he will get worse. Let me guess, you have zero self-confidence, your friends hate him, you cry at night in bed and he doesn't even hold you and say sorry. You wonder if he cheats, you wonder if he loves you? He makes all the decisions, he gets mad and yells at you for the littlest of things? LEAVE HIS ASS. If you move in or worse marry him, it will be the biggest mistake you ever make. I know I sound harsh but you wouldn't believe the crap I just went through! It doesn't get easier, it gets worse, you slip even more until there's nothing left. He will leave you feeling depressed, crazy, like everything is your fault. Somewhere deep inside you, you need his sick approval. He knows 100% that your weak and he is kicking the crap out of you slowly. He has no respect for you. The only time he's nice to you is when he's having sex with you or he needs something from you. Mark my words, it is very possible for another person to ruin your life. The fact that your on this site tells me that he's gone too far with you. If I sound like a bitter bitch it's because he turned me into this. It will take a long time before I trust another man, let him love me. How long before I trust again. I can't meet the man of my dreams if creeps like your boyfriend are out there. Go through pain of being single, mourn him, but leave him. Forget about the good sex, the charming handsome guy you chased you and made you fall in love with him, he doesn't exist.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Hi, Have you ever thought that your boyfriend has a big problem sharing his emotions, or that there is some underlying problem, that has not been resolved between the tow of you. It seems to me that he is fighting the urge to allow you to have the upper hand, as if it is going to take something away from him. Thes are people who I think of as none sharers, they have to be right always, you have to be wrong always, no sharing of any position, it's black ot white, no middle ground. He would have to be counseled to change his perspective, meanwhile you are going to suffer, because you are always going to be arguing. If I were to bet, I'd bet his mom spoiled him to death, and he wants the same thing from you. You cannot do that becasue you are more mature than he is, and it is very unhealthy to treat him like a spoiled child, who has to have his way. Now, if you want to try to talk to him about this, because I have a strong feeling that this is at the root of it all, then go somewhere neutral, and have a long chat. Write down your points, don't argue, don't accuse, just tell him how you feel and why you feel this way. Ask him to let you finish what you want to say, before he responds, try to keep your temper under control, and take low, in other words, allow him to go on with him believing he has done nothing wrong, but be sure to let him know all of your concerns. I don't know if you have signed a lease or anything, you said you were moving in together, my thought, not a good idea, unless you can get him to compromise and look at how he is behaving. He has to grow up more, and that is going to take time. You will not stop arguing, unless there is a mutual understanding as to how to stop the arguments, this is not healthy and it gets to be tiresome, to say the least. It seems he wants to wear you down, and you have to have your self-respect, and not let someone bully you just to have their way and that is what he is attempting to do.
So if you can live somewhere else, I would, if you can't, I would try to stay out of his way until sthings get better, or you find some place else to live. You are going to need tstudy, this arguing will not help in any way with that.
Take care of yourself, and try to say as little as possible yto him, if you decide to move in with him. Growth will be neccessary, but I don't think he is going to see a need for him to change. Good luck, keep in touch.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Whoa, girl. Take a deep breath. Now relax.
Right, you've been fighting virtually continuously with your boyfriend, every day you have a fight? Are we talking little couple spats that get resolved inside 5 minutes, or are these the same old, same old arguments that never get resolved, and just continue to brew and fester and flare up at a moment's notice?
I have to ask, because this will matter if you go through with this move. The simple everyday stuff that isn't a big issue is one thing, but continuing fights and never resolving them is another. You do realize that by moving in together, these problems will be magnified and will not go away unless both of you find a way to work on them and try to fix them?
You two need to have a calm discussion about this, before you move in together and see if you both are willing to work on this. If he thinks it's all your problem and isn't willing to compromise or assumes you're attacking him, that's a big red flag to me.
Google 'fair fighting' for couples, there's a lot of information out there that might help you manage your conflict resolution skills. These seem to be lacking for both of you.
I'd try to resolve this BEFORE you move in together, if possible, otherwise, this is going to simmer and brew and the stress of living together is going to blow you two apart.
But you need to calm down, and think this through logically and do a bit of research on this before you have 'the talk.'
Good luck.
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