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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello,Last week, my girlfriend of 10 months broke up with me. She says she still loves me but she wants to do her own thing and she says that she doesnt see a future with me because I can't give her the life she wants in terms of luxury. Surely if she loves me this shouldnt matter? She also says that she was starting to get bored of the same routine in the last 3 weeks of our relationship and she felt the spark had gone. Surely she should have told me this earlier so I could put it right?? and is 3 weeks of doubt enough to break up?? surely these things should be worked on.She also says I didnt listen when she tried to talk about her feelings and what she wants in the future. I did listen I just didnt respond as well as I could have, because like most men I struggle to show my feelings sometimes. Although I do love her more than anything I didnt really show it enough. I know that. But it doesnt mean I dont love her.She also said that she was the one who made all the decisions when it came to stuff like going out and where to go. The thing is here, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her decide because I just wanted her to be happy.I never seen the break up coming, I thought we were as good as ever and it came as a huge shock to me. We had a holiday booked and she cancelled it as soon as she broke up with me.within a week of the break up she sent me some text messages and called me at 4am when she was drunk and told me she missed me. Then the next day she rang and apologised for messing with my head like that. She still cries when i am not there and she misses me and thinks of me all the time.She came to drop off some of my belongings 8 days after we broke up. We got on quite well and talked for an hour. I asked her if there was any chance she would change her mind and she said at the minute no, but she doesnt know what will happen in the future.So I called her later on and tried everything I could to change her mind. I told her that I thought she was being materialistic and shallow. She agreed. I just don't understand why she has done this if she still loves me. I want her back and I would like to know your opinion on the situation.She said she wants time but what if she has too much time and forgets about me?Do i give her time or do I try my best to win her back?? Do I attempt to wine and dine her to try and get her back? or do i just leave her to get on with it?? I love her so much and I am finding this really hard to cope with. She says she still wants us to be friends but I am not sure I can. I really thought I had found my sould mate. If we saty friends it will be so hard. especially if she started seeing someone else. that would be too hard to take.I can't get her out of my head and it's really hard to take. I am holding on to the very small hope she has given me. I want her back and I don't want anyone else. I just don't knw what to do. Please advise. Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2006): She says she was tired of the routine - but you were planning a trip together. That wasn't routine, and her excuses aren't the reason. She's selfish. I'm sorry, but, there it is, I said it. (& I'm afraid I completely disagree with mystify's take on things.) I do agree strongly with much that has been already said by anonymous (5 April 2006) and Irish49.
I suspect, too, in part, you're never going to please her because she doesn't please herself. And you are NEVER GOING TO FIX her. Let her go. I Completely understand it hurts. Desperately. And you feel like you're going to crumble and die. But you're not. You're going to be fine. It may not Feel that way - but you are. And a lot happier, too. This won't be what you Want to hear... but let her go and move on.
Yes, she's going to keep showing up. She wants to keep you there for the 2nd string, her backup plan, in case she wants some extra help - but she doesn't really want you. Again, trust me, it's Not you. YOU are going to go on to find someone good for you, that Appreciates you. Count your blessings and move ahead with your life.
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (6 April 2006):
 i agree with anonymous , your ex has tryed to explain what went wrong but you are making excuses instead of correcting or taking heed.
you say you loved her but you excuse yourself from showing it simply because you are male , this isnt a male attribute , men an be loving , over loving and obsessive.
why shouldnt she leave if she feels she wants more affection from her relatonship.
as for the material side of things , you may call it materialistic , others may call it comfortable.
when i was younger (and i get the impression you may be young) i thought that love could make the world go round.
but unfortunatly as you get older and responsibilitys grow, you realise all to much that you need more than just love , i spent too long in a dark dingy flat with damp and mould no room nowhere for the kids to play (no garden ) its not enough really , not as you get older.
but also as a girl , to look back on your life and say "i was always either poor or old", not a moments glamour in your entire life is hard for some of us.
so maybe step back stop making excuses and start listening to what she has to say , otherwise give up and let her move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): Just a quick response to your 2nd posting. Sorry to say this but you do know it takes two..to make it work. It sounds like she's now grasping at 'any lame, insignificant excuse' to break up with you. Do you not see what we are seeing? She is familiar, and you have a deep emotional attachment and an unhealthy dependency on her. You simply are not prepared to accept her decision to break off with you. Why? Please work on your self-esteem and ask why you are clinging desperately to her. She will never change, she will be the same and nothing you can do or say will change that, so it is you who must and get on with your life and seek out new people and open yourself up to new experiences. You must stop clinging to your ideal dream of her, because it is not real...it's an illusion. Until you are a whole, independent person you really won't be able to have a reciprocal satisfying relationsip with anyone; you must not think of a partner as something you need to complete yourself, a partner should be someone who complements your life, but you are a whole separate human being who can survive on his own, which is what you have to do now until you find a viable partner. Please grieve this relationship and just let her go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. she is now bringing up old stuff like saying I didn help her when she needed me. We booked a holiday and she just did it all after we decided where we were going. I didnt see a problem with that but now she is saying that I should have helped her!!! She said she was getting bored of the same routine, but how was I to know if she didnt say?? I'm finding it hard to get through to her and I dont want to let her go that easily. She's the best thing that ever happened for me and I have never clicked with someone so well in my life. from day one it was special
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): Sorry, I don't agree that she loves you for 'who you are' unless of course, you are a lazy guy who has no ambition and she's trying to tell you something important...that you need to bring more to the table to have a substantial future with her. If this isn't the case, I feel a woman who genuinely loves a man doesn't think of his net worth and what she'll get. Rather, she thinks..how can we build our net worth together, to achieve a better life for ourselves. While I don't agree with her 'way of thinking', I credit her for her honesty, but that's it. Doesn't her shallow materialistic side of her, tell you anything about her character, dear? You could be constantly living with self-doubts and fears of losing her...you will always questioning your abilities to give her what SHE wants. Love is about giving not what we get. This alone should tell you, she's not prepared to settle for less. Don't you want a special lady who takes you "as is"? Isn't that what real love is about...unconditional acceptance of who we are...not whether we have a fat wallet or not? I say, you have the problem here as well...you are settling for a woman who will never possibly give you the love and respect you so deserve. She did you a favor, dear. Let this go. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response sexseahot. I think she genuinely loves me for who I am but I cant provide the future she wants. I am currently trying to make her realise that it shouldnt matter as long as you love someone. In a recent e mail she sent me she told me that yesterday was her lowest point and she felt so lonely. She said she will always remember the good times but she hated the arguments, and so did I. But we very rarely argued!! I tried to explain to her that evry relationships have arguments and it just part of all relationships.
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female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (5 April 2006):
 I would just let her go if she wants to be so materialistic. You obviously aren't and don't need to spend all your money to make some girl happy. That's just unreal for some. You need to find someone that wants what you CAN give her and don't care about all the expensive luxuries that can not possibly be provided. There are women like that out there believe it or not.
If you can't handle being friends with her, just let her go then and move on with her life and let her do the same. It's hard to be just "friends" with someone that you want a relationship with and had one from the beginning. Sometimes feelings get in the way and the friendship is uncapable of surviving.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make, but don't let this girl take all your money just so she is happy. Money doesn't buy love at all and if that's all she wants, she is definitely not worth it.
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