A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We broke up because of logistical reasons. The distance that kept us apart, difficult legal issues concerning immigration should we want to move to be together and general conflicting life paths.She still claimed she loved me and that she wanted to keep hope that we might be reunited in the future though.Last week though I found out that she had made out with another guy. I confronted her about it and she told me she had made out with him on three separate occasions and had sex with him once. I was very hurt because as she claimed that she still loved me it felt like cheating to me. I cannot even consider being with or thinking about another woman right now.I told her how much it hurt me and she cried. She told me that she had no feelings for this guy and that it had been a mistake. That she knew he had a crush on her and he'd invited her to parties at a club he owns. That since I've been gone she'd been feeling very low and she'd sort of lost herself and tried to make up for her feelings by going out and having fun. That she'd thought this guy was a fun guy to hang out with and enjoyed his company as such. That eventually and on the occasions it had happened she'd been drunk and that she'd been using him. Even told me that she felt sorry for him because he was an innocent bystander in a turmoil of misplaced feelings.I know that she has been very depressed about our break-up for as long as it has lasted. It has affected her life in many different ways, her emotions have suffered which has lead her finances to suffer and it seems like she took to partying and a different social circle to cope. She is young and in experienced, she's 24. I'm 29 and I've already been down the road she just went and that's why I know it's not a route I want to take for myself, it won't help.We had a long talk about it and I believe that she still loves me and I believe that she is genuinely sorry for her mistake, that she doesn't have feelings for this guy. She tried to hide what happened not only from me but also from her brother. She doesn't seem to publicly give this guy much importance in her life and she seems to behave as if she is ashamed of what happened. I have forgiven her, I love her and this, to me, won't change that, besides as far as she was concerned we were broken up and she was pretty torn up about that. However, despite everything and for different reasons altogether she won't get back with me. Not right now, she won't let herself be loved right now. She doesn't want to lose me thought and insists that we remain friends. I've told her that I can remain her friend as long as I down have to watch her downward spiral. As long as I don't have to see her going out and having sex with other guys, at the very least guys she doesn't care about. I've told her I will forgive her if she acknowledges her mistake by not repeating it.I guess I've pretty much made my peace with this. I've seen it for what it is, I have forgiven and I will continue to love. It just remains to be seen if she respects that and herself enough not to let it happen again.And I guess that's what concerns me right now. What do you think Agony Aunts? What does this look like to you and does the fact that she made out with him on 3 separate occasions have any significance? Does the fact that she thinks he's a cool guy and that she likes to hang out with him, let him entertain her, despite claiming not to have feelings for him, mean anything? I guess I'm mostly worried that it's going to happen again. I know it's not my business and I knew it might happen. I just didn't think it'd be so soon and I thought it would be with someone she cared about as she is normally a very reserved, proud and strong person that doesn't just go for anyone, I was her 4th. I want to be there for her but I can't right now if this is what's going on, not with this guy anyway.
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broke up, crush, depressed, drunk, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): Thank you Realm for you answer.And while I agree with everything you said about holding out a hand, giving support and steering someone in the right direction I notice that you have misunderstood what I said and misjudged her.He was indeed happy, probably ecstatic. I don't really know the guy much but I have a pretty good gut instinct when it comes to people and I believe him to be a "player".It was her that had the emotional turmoil. It's her that has been hurt and depressed for a long time now. He was the one that got caught up in that. She said she was sorry for him because she used him. She was sorry because she doesn't have any feelings for him and she knows he has a crush on her (he's been chasing her in any case).She didn't sleep with him because she felt sorry for him or was doing him any favors. She also, supposedly, didn't sleep with him on 3 occasions. She made out with him whilst out on the town 3 times and the last time it ended up in the bedroom.
A
female
reader, Melanne  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 It is never easy having a long distant relationship and it wasn't easy for you both from the start. The fact that she gave you hope from the beginning that your relationship maybe something more kept your dreams of a future with her still alive.It would have been a shock as well as a deep hurt when you found out your girlfriend had been playing away because she has lead you to believe that your relationship was serious and that she loved you.It sounds as though your girlfriend is trying to justify her behaviour to you by making up excuses such as she was drunk which is why she slept with him. Deep down you must realise these are just excuses and is not acceptable behaviour from someone who you'd placed your trust in. I wonder if it was the other way around if she would be so understanding?You are an understanding guy you have forgiven her and want to stand by her. Though deep down you know she has to make her own mistakes. It sounds as though she doesn't respect herself very much or any other guy. She obviously knows the power she has on men and wants to flaunt that.It is difficult for you and I certainly wouldn't suggest that you get back together with her now or in the future. There has been a lack of trust there. Yes you were finnished, but she went and slept with someone pretty much straight away which would have been a shock to you because she was so serious about you. I think you have made your own mind up and although it will hurt being away from her you can't let her spoil the rest of your life. You have to move on and give someone else the love you have inside. Someone that deserves it. I wish you all the best and hope in some small way I have helped.
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