A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there - please helpAfter a 6 year relationship to a man I really loved I broke up with him a year ago as I didnt really feel he was comitted to me, I thought he really loved me but he didnt exactly beg me back or try to save the relationship, we live in a small town so its hard not to see each other. However a month after our breakup he had a new girlfriend who he spends every single minite of the day with, Im so gutted, even worse,now she has got a job at my work place and I see him pick her up, and now to make matters even worse, she is having his baby, and due in 5 weeks time, I am beside myself, we have still been sleeping with each other, everytime he sees me he tells me he still loves me and doesnt feel like he is cheating as "its me" - when im with him it feels so right, he tells me he fancies me so much and when she calls him when he is with me he ignores her calls, - I cant move on and im dreading their due date. We were so good together, what hurts even more is that we had an abortion 4 years ago. Im 34 now and so worried I wont meet anyone to have children with, and I pine for him so bad - I cry all the time, please help. I feel so embarrased that hes having a child with someone else (who is 10 years younger than me)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who answered, you're all right I know, Im just being stupid, I mean if he can cheat on his girlfriend who is 7 months pregnant I guess he is a selfish human being who is not worthy of my interest, I long for the day when I can hold my head up high and wipe that smirk off his face when he sees me happy with another man, cos I will always know he cheated on his unborn child and thats pretty low. I will no longer allow him anymore of my time or listen to his nonsense. Life sucks hey.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Wow this is really creepy because I am in a very similar situation except for the baby, and he is the one that broke up with me, but he had commitment issues as well.I totally understand how you feel, you are scared to lose him and you are scared he will forget you.... I had sex with my ex a couple of times since we broke up a couple of months ago, he has a new gf for the past six months, him either, he does not feel like he is cheating because it is me...!! I realised that even though I really want him back, doing this will send him further away... You are giving him the best of both worlds, and this is why he continues to be with her and is commiting to her because he has you and her, how perfect!!!!You were with him for six years and he did not commit to you, and with her he did it so fast... Did you question yoursef about it, is she more firm than u are, maybe morre confident,,,, I think the reason he is doing all this is becasue he knows that he can do it, he knew that he could last with you for 6 years with commiting himself. I personnally think that he does not love her, she is lacking with something, if not he would not want to see you all the time. However, the only way he can realise that is if you stop answering his phone calls for a little bit. Tell him to only call you if ever he breaks up with her. I did this a week ago, and I panicked for 2 days, I was crying, so scared I ended it and that he will forget about me. Let me tell you it hurts, but it cannot last like that, you will become a mistress.. He will wonder where you are from now on, he will miss you. It will hurt at first, but then it will feel empowering I promise you. I believe it is the optioon you have, you are 34 as you said, don't waist your time!! Also, imagine if he left his gf tomorrow and said baby I want to be with you I am so sorry. Would you honestly say yes? could you go on with him and TRUST HIM, trust him when he goes with his friends, when he comes back a little later from work because he wanted to go shopping, trust him when he goes and gets his baby to his ex'Ms house? I think you know the answer, it cannot work if you do not trust each other. For that trust to come back, you need to let him do his stuff and let him explore more. If he comes back to you and know that it is definetly over with his ex, you will be able to take him back not problem..... But really go on dating sites, go see your firends, someone will eventually come in your wayGood luckFrom someone who knows exactly how you feel and and heart breaking it isxxxx
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A
female
reader, Handycam +, writes (2 April 2007):
You broke up with him because you didn't feel he was committed to you. The way he is behaving with his current girlfriend proves that he isn't committed. Were you his first girlfriend or did he have ex's before you? If he did, what makes you think he wasn't doing exactly the same thing to you that he's doing to her. If he really wanted you he wouldn't have been in a relationship with this girl for a year or having a baby with her. You're worried you won't find anyone else to have a family with so you're considering having a baby with him. Is this really the sort of person you want as a father to your kids? Have you consulted him on this? I would bet my mortgage money that he'd run a mile if you even suggested it to him. He's got you right where he wants you. Sex on tap when he's feeling frisky.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): WAKE UP, young lady! What in the name of ----- do you think you're doing?!
YOU broke up with him a YEAR ago because you felt he was not fully committed to you and you were not happy about that. He accepted the break-up and didn't (as you might perhaps have hoped) try to work it out. Okay, fair enough, such things happen, sad and hurtful as they are.
But then HE gets a new girlfriend who is now expecting his baby and you and he are still having sex. You say when you are with him it feels "so right." Well, I have news for you: no matter what it FEELS like, it is all so WRONG.
Wrong because you are not giving yourself the opportunity to move on with your life and to meet a decent man with whom you could have a good relationship, marriage and a family. Instead, you mope over this cheater who lies to his girlfriend, and tells you a fine story about how much he loves and fancies you.
I have more news for thee: If he REALLY loved and fancied you so much he would not have permitted you to end your relationship with him; nor would he have gotten himself another woman so quickly. NOR would she be having his baby and him spending "every minute" with her now.
You are allowing yourself to be miserable because of his behavior. Why aren't you angry as hell - at him for using you, and cheating on his current gf, and at yourself for indulging in all this dread and after a year still crying about him and pining for him?
I understand that the fact that she works at the same place you do, but maybe a small step would be to make sure you are busy with something else when he comes to pick her up. An even bigger and much wiser step would be to refuse to sleep with him any more, or even to meet him. True, you might sometimes run into him about town; but you don't have to socialize with him or her.
Finally, until you give him up completely you won't meet another man - well, you might MEET one but you will seriously lessen your chances to form another relationship while still being so preoccupied with this man who doesn't deserve you - and his current gf is unlucky to "have" him too, from what you have told us!
At 34, you are by no means too old to meet another man. Try to focus on enjoying the next man you do meet and don't make having children with him a priority! Put your energies into forming a happy relationship with a decent, compatible man and see how it goes.
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