A
female
age
41-50,
*i21060
writes:BF is 16 years older than me. We bought a home together. We have been together 3 years. Since buying the house, He isn't interested in sex. He's always to stresses, sick, sleepy, ect. Then that once a mon or 2 we do have sex he last a minute or loses his hard on. I talk to him...he's defensive. Here recently I brought up that I may want kids in a couple years. He doesn't think he wants them. He doesn't think he has enough money, but both our incomings come to about 120,000 plus a year...so I don't think tha';s the case. He doesn't want to be responsible. He's great with kids...and everyone always talks about it. I often think buying the house was a mistake. I love him and feel so vunerable to him. Not sure why. He doesn't believe in spoiling me. I'm lucky if he brings me flowers once a year. Doesn't do anything romantic...like leave notes for me to find. Everything has to be 50/50 most of the time. I can't figure out why I love him so much. He doen't treat me good. He doesn't want kids. Doesn't want to have sex. I feel more like a roomate...most of the time. How can I get away or is there anything I can do. I've talked to him. He doesn't seem to budge or makes it into my fault.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Lot of different things going on.
First of his impotency, it can easily be caused by stress, you then quickly get into a downward spiral where he gets performance anxiety and it only gets worse and worse. Serious problem for men and their partners, talk it over very gently and possibly seek medical help. It ain't you, but it will take the both of to solve it.
You say the income is 120.000, but how is it split? Buying a house is a huge stress and if he unsure about the financial future, well, there is that erection killer, stress, again. The housing market in the US has gone tits up, how bad is your mortage? If you don't know, well then he is right in feeling he is carrying everything alone.
If there are financial problems, then don't blame him for not wasting money on flowers. 120.000 is not that shabby (well in euro's, not that familiar with what it means in US terms) but if spend to much it might still not be enough. Don't make your partner carry all the financial worries alone.
Also, many people, especially young women, seem to think that the courtship/honeymoon last forever. Not that bad, except that most men think that once you bagged the bitch you can forget all the dumb romantic crap. Happy couples happen when a balance is reached. Do you still prepare his lunchbox with a kiss? Also, remember that the two sexes want different things, you want roses, he wants a blowjob and a beer. It takes two to keep the magic going.
And that is what I find out, everything has to be 50/50? Well? What do you suggest?
As for kids, he says he doesn't have the money, is he right? The amount I can't really judge but if you two are spending a lot you really may not be able too.
The may-december relation may be part of this, you still have a lot of years to have kids, but unless he wants to be an old father his clock is ticking.
Find out your true financial situation. See if something can be done to help him stop worrying about things.
Then try and deal with his impotency. Remember, this is a very fragile part of the male psyche. Nothing gives men impotence quicker then suggesting he has it.
I wouldn't think of ending the relation just yet. If it is all stress related then the relation can still be saved. Concentrate on reducing his stress. It won't be quick or easy, but is better then running.
A
female
reader, mrs_hadfield  +, writes (21 March 2008):
Buying a house is a huge commitment and maybe one he wasn't ready for. If you love him, give him a little time to himself. Take some control and don't sleep with him, show him how it feels to be rejected. Stress is a huge factor here, in my experience, men don't like to be pressured. Space and time to realise what he is missing may bring him to his senses.
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