A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My situation is awkward! I have been close friends with a guy in another country for a couple of years. We get on great together, have so much in common, and have met a few times in real life, which were fantastic. The problem is he has a partner for 20 years now and I am also in an unhappy relationship. He feels we cannot rush things due to that, and also the complexity of our distance! I know he loves me but I feel sad all the time and find myself just 'waiting' to see him again. Am I rushing ahead of myself or fooling myself into thinking we might have a future together? If he doesn't move on with his life at the same pace as me, we can only keep seeing each other in secret! It's terribly stressful and I keep thinking I should give up on him, or at least just revert to friendship only, but then I might lose the love of my life! We are in our forties. Any advice welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella. What you have said rings so many bells and hits me at so many levels it's hard to separate all the issues. Though I have to correct myself, I am married with two children and he isn't married to his partner. He says she is clinically depressed, and he merely looks after her as she doesnt leave the house, how can he stay in that relationship?He says they don't have a sexual relationship, though I know he cares about her. I do fear he may never leave her, and so yes I am wasting my time if so. It hurts like hell, because despite our unhappy core relationships we are great together, but as you say its artificial. If I dump him as a lover I'll break his heart, but really I can't continue hoping and waiting or standing in the middle of this fence between one man and another. It's a terribly anxious and soul destroying situation.. Thanks again x
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 You have certainly added complexity to your woes. I am very sorry that your own unhappy relationship with another is not as you wish it could be. Is there any way to restore the love within your own unhappy relationship?
While you also have a concurrent relationship with another man whose own relationship is alleged to be unhappy. So there is less motivation to work on your own relationship at home while you have a second partner on the side.
But then you have the added problem of a long distance relationship with this other man. LDR are always difficult. And a married lover is an artificial relationship as you only see or have contact with him fleetingly. So he is on his best behavior. And so may seem more exciting than he is in real life.
And your LDR is not just a long drive away - for your lover is in another country. This is major complexity.
Only a very tiny percentage of married men ever leave their wife for another woman. And a man who will cheat on one woman will cheat again. And often become a serial cheater in multiple relationships. Even if you and he became closer there is no guarantee he would not cheat further on you.
You run the risk of losing both your husband and your lover. Then where would you be? If your husband suspects the relationship, or knows about it and becomes disgruntled enough to finish the relationship you may also find that you are less attractive to your married lover as then you will be available.
While you are married and unavailable to him he can feel safer that you are in no position to pressure him to end his marriage.
If you try pressuring him to end his marriage, or make remarks that are less than complementary about his wife then watch his interest wane. Most married men get a thrill "getting away with with infidelity". But they still want to retain their primary relationship with the wife.
In your post your mention that "we are in our forties".
If you end both relationships then you may find your age becomes a further problem. It is much easier for a woman in her 20s and 30s to find a man willing to consider her as a relationship, especially one on the side.
But once you pass the magic age of 47-50 you may also find it more difficult to find a new partner. Because men in their 40s and 50s and even older may also prefer a woman who is less than 40.
If your primary (at home) relationship is so bad then what is stopping you from ending that? Is it because deep down you know your man 'in waiting' may never leave his wife for you?
You call your married lover the 'love of your life'. But it is an artificial relationship. The waiting must be horrible. And a terrible waste of your time.
If your own partner at home is so terrible then try to analyse why. And think how much more wonderful a relationship would be with a man you could wake up besides every morning and see every night? I suspect your married lover may never become that permanent fixture 24/7 in your life.
You are now at the cross roads. And that now is the time to make decisions to ensure your future happiness in the next 20 years. Best of luck with your decision making
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