A
female
age
41-50,
*rincessminusconfidence
writes:I have been engaged for over a year and, to my dismay, my fiance has been looking at porn every opportunity he gets. He had made countless promises to top but has been sneaking. I have caught him on our computer, as he tried to sneak a way that he thought our filter could not detect. He has promised now that it is the end because it is our only real problem in the relationship and, for the first time, confesseshe now does see it as cheating and wants to stop. It is a hard topic for u to discuss without him getting mad. He mainly looks at women stripping, sometimes lesbians. He says he likes how they move their body and wants me to do it, but my self-esteem is so low after I have been neglected from sex so he could masturbate to these women. he nce said some of them look better than me and he likes big butts, even though I know and have been told I have a very nice round butt. He now says he finds me more sexy than any of them, that nothing about them is better. he would rather have sex with me. this promise does seem different. I know that ultimatums are not the healthy way of resolving things, but he is scared I am going to leave him if he does it again and also knows my bipolar disorder that I have been maintaining is kicking in overdrive evey time I worry or find out he has done this. He even cried genuine tears and assured me this is the end, that he does not want to torture me anymore and will do everything he can to prove he is done. He only gets into videos he accesses via internet. However, he goes somewhere else and, since we have had a filter, has went there and looked at it and masturbated. He said he can do it really fat so he gets home ASAP without me worrying. Now, the place he goes, there are gong to be more computers, two of which I know have porn downloaded on them. he'll go there after work because it is his family who live nearby. He admits he feels guilty and that he is cheating. He has made me this promise. Am I wrong to be paranoid, even after what seem the mot heartfelt promise? I know it is hard to stop. Am I wrong to want him to not visit there without me, or have him ask those who live there to forbid him from touching a computer without anyone around? This is on my mind every day and makes me feel worthles, not good enough, betrayed, and weak to keep putting up with this. Do you have any advice for me? We both agree it is cheating and the only issue in the relationship. I told him not to stop unless he truly wants to and believes it is wrong to break my heart like this. h took the initiative in saying it is wrong for him to do, unrelated to my personal feelings on it. Since we have a mutual agreement that it is wrong and cheating, it has been an agreed upon sin that should be absent in our relationship. We have a great sex life! We have talked about this. I have even asked if I should lose 5 lbs., do anything different in bed, do anything different intimacy-related... He says no, that I am the best he has ever had in and out of bed. We share kises, hugs, emotions, and try new and exciting things in bed and usually make love more than once a day. When he has gone a while without looking at porn, he has been more happy and upbeat and admits how great he feels when not looking or getting the urge to. He says his main temptation comes when he is alone on a computer, but his parents and brothers think it is okay to look at it and that I am controlling. When he is there, he has the opportunity and support. They believe I am controlling and closed-minded, refusing to understand the emotional battery I am feeling over this, reminding me of an abusive relationship in my past and that men make empty promises to me. he wants to stop but I am the only support he has, other than an online community for men addicted to porn. We don't feel he is addicted but more habitual, just when he is alone on a computer does he really want to do it... like it is a habit. When he has no opportunity, he has no urge. He does not fantaize about it or even lust after other women, just certain actions he adamantly proclaims he enjoys much more from me... I will say I have had children but am thin, curvy, big-busted, and have a shapely rear end, as well as a pretty face, and I have no reason to feel uncomfortable with my physical appearance, especially after having children. This is what i doing it to me... the watching other women. What can I do to feel better, to trust him, and to make sure he has no access to it? Sorry for being long-winded... I am just losing sleep over it and suffering way too much, no matter what I do... counseling, weighing poitives and negatives, etc. thanks so much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): promises, promises...
You deserve better. Men never change
Darling, don't be affraid to find the right man for you... we all have our limits and i feel you when you say he has said they look better than you!!! Thats terribly offensive and should not be tolerated.
I had the same situation and waited for him to change until one day i just found out he was phisically cheating on me. Don't wait too long to understand how much you are worth!!!
A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (1 March 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I am using this as an outlet to reort progress and get advice and insight. I am starting to believe it now, which is why I updated it. I do want help, which is why I was asking the advice if our recent events seem a realistic solution. Oh well. it is a complex ituation, and I am too detailed for my own good... Lol. thanks anyway!
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A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (29 February 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am also sorry for allowing myself to get so offended, as this is the internet and not everyone can tell someone's complete character... as you probably were not trying to offend me either but make me wake up, if I was in fact controlling.
We had a breakthrough conversation last night where we were in a calm atmosphere, after the kids went to sleep. He admitted certain reasons he wched these women stripping. He reiterated there was nothing about them that he found more attractive than me, and he says he wants to wait on me to do it and swore on our relationship he would not do it. Does everyone here think this is possible? I will explain a little.
He told me it was more of a thrill and told me a masturbation situation not involving females or males but a situation. He said it is a thrill of the possiblity on getting caught. After we talked about possibilities, he came to this conclusion after remembering that time and thinking about his feelings and thoughts while he is watching the stuff. He says he does not really pay attention to the butts or body parts... that he looks and has told me that but was telling me something he thought I would believe, him being a "butt guy." He said he likes mine better than theirs, that it was the thrill of being caught, that maybe I would be mad. When I caught him on accident I was mad. He said he realizes now that we've talked about it, I am truly hurt... not mad, mainly the sneaking. He said sometimes he chose that over me because he wanted to get off but too tired for sex or wanted to be alone, nothing to do with me... again, mainly the chance of being caught was exciting. We came to a compromise... and explored some ideas, but not all... because some o it he wants to be a secret/surprise, for the excitememnt factor. But one might be while I am asleep, not waking me and looking at me and touching me and maybe waking me when he is ready to climax... or, if there isn't that need for a thrill, I can do something to him without him having to move a muscle. I am sorry for the details, but those are some examples. He also told me wants to get back into rock climbing, sky diving, racing, and bungee jumping as hobbies because when he was more active in that, he didn't want to look at porn of y type. He doesn't even like magazines or movies, jut those videos... like a peeping tom or something. He says getting into these hobbies again and me joining him will definitely help, as well as me encouraging him and trusting him without obvious paranoia... and being his source of excitememnt and thrill. Maybe being intimate outside or somewhere we may get caught but not by the kids or someone who would call the cops, lol.
I asked him if this is going to be too hard on him, if he wants to stop to do it gradually. He said no. Gradual was for those still clinging onto it, and he said he doesn't need to do it or want to do it. He told me that reminding himself of the promise he made and maybe looking at a picture of me and having me write, "I trust you and love you" would help. He says to me that after we have really gotten through and he was completely honest and making effort to find the root of it, he feels optimistic and free. He told me that he realizes ths was a cover-up for something deeper, not even sexually-related. So he is telling me he can stop cold turkey and will have no problem saying NO... that if he would happen to get the urge, to hurry home to me or do something else exciting and is willing to confess this problem to others who could encourage him not to be on a computer alone anywhere but at home.
I guess now I have TWO NEW QUESTIONS: Does this sound like a realistic breakthrough and solution? And does it seem possible that it will work? I have more faith in this now than I ever have. He hasn't looed at thi stuff in about two weeks, I would say and does not seem to be suffering. We've also agreed to give special close attention to any self-esteem issue that looks like it may be surfacing and do what we can to lift the other up. We had a very exciting night after that too... more than once... Never, after a conversation about porn, has that happened! LOL. I value all of your opinions and thought, even those that may seem critical toward me. You all, EVERYONE, had something to offer me to work with and see things differently with. Thank you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): I'm the anonymous male who used the phrase "mental torture"After hearing all the things you have said I can see you really are not as controlling as I (and some others who have posted here) originally thought. I'd like to apologize, its simply that it is common for women to write about similar porn problems here, in which case they are usually being too controlling. Anyway, I think its safe to say that's not the case here. After hearing so much more of the situation I think he may simply have an addiction. The only thing I could really suggest for that is professional help. I'm not too knowledgeable on the subject of addiction though, so hopefully someone else can give you some advice on that.
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A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (29 February 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale reader with the very long post... You have really made me feel better. He read it and was inspired and even giddy-like happy! You have been a bigger help than you know. Thanks so much!
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A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (29 February 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe may be using porn to escape something. It may be that he longs for you to experiment more in the bedroom, he could possibly be bored with your sex life or he could be getting tips. What ever the reason he doesnt need you breathing down his neck like a mother would do you are his wife not his mother!!I agree that he may be using porn to escape something, and we have talked about that and tried to figure maybe what it could be. He laugh if I even suggest he is bored with our sex life... If you only knew... I am the one who initiates new things and gets creative, and we experiment almost daily. He has no problems with our sex life, and it is obvious... I am not breathing down his neck nor behaving like a mother. We are best friends, and we both struggle with a lot of things. HE IS THE ONE WHO SAYS HE FEELS GUILTY WHEN HE LOOKS AND WANTS TO STOP! When he finally said it, without my influence, I broke down and explained how deeply it hurt me. I suffer from bipolar and depression and have harnessed most of the terrible effects of it, but this brought it back... and I was scared to mention it or make it look like an excuse. His opening up i what finally gave us a breakthrough to begin discussing it. He said he doesn't want to dicuss details of it anymore, as he is ashamed and wants to stop because he is satisfied with me and felt he had a problem with it before we even met.I have plenty of sexy outfits, lingerie, undergarments, and some pretty forbidden things... I have made him videos and pictures. My values are probably lower than his, lol. In fact, I am the bigger horndog... and he has no complaints! He is always eager to throw me in the bedroom or any room if the kids are not home. I assure you, boredom is NOT the issue. Even last night, he said he doubts he will ever get bored with our sexual relationship, even when we are old and wrinkled. Our sex life is spicier than anyone we know. He does not want us to break up, and he would never leave over something like this. I feel bad because I mentioned maybe leaving if he is going to break promises. In all honesty, him breaking the promise was worse than looking at the crap. He made it, and he should not make promises if he does not intend to keep them. The same goes for me. I hold myself to that same standard. The last thing I do, want to do, or try to do is control anyone. I think people are terribly misconceiving this. We have no control issues... We have an issue where he sincerely wants to stop, and we want to know how it would be easiest. He has been the one wanting me to download certain stronger accountability software and not be online without me around. I have even told him that's a little radical because I don't want to be his damn guardian! I have de every attempt to understand and ask questions and accept things... He honestly wants to stop! Why is this so hard to believe? I am the oppoite of possessive. I am one of the few women he has er been with that he says feels truly gives him freedom and the chance to express himself, and the only one he can tell anything to and be his true self around. I think you are mistaking a relationship issue with abuse, and that is absurd. I want help because we both want this to end. Now, I am being turned into a bad person for beindeeply devastated and seeking an answer for us both. I don't get it.The only trust issue we have is with the porn and promises he voluntarily had made in regards to it. Other than that, there has been no broken trust. We are getting married because there is an obvious spiritual bond and a connection like no other, which is why we both want to do everything we can to make the other stress-free and happy. That's what love is all about.
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A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (29 February 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do not believe it is mental torture for him to stop emotionally cheating or beating off to women who he says he feels do not do as much for him as I do. It is mental torture when he sneaks and lies, as I was once accepting of it until it became an obsession... and I was neglected and childr were because of it. We have discussed this at great length. I told him not to feel guilty because of me and do not stop over me... Only stop if you truly feel it is wrong. He says he believes it is and believes it is cheating, on his own personal beliefs. He mentioned stopping before I did. He says it is not fair to me, and I have given him the option to keep looking... But we have discussed breaking up, as I am the one who mentioned that. he has told me when he has not done it and took a long break, he felt better about himself mentally and our relationship. He doesn't even enjoy it much anymore, as he'll do it for a minute or two and stop... like a habit, or possibly an obsession. He has even confessed that to his friends who have come to me saying I am the only woman that has made him abandon going to a strip bar or even participating in conversations about women looking good. This was without my influence. I just believe it would be best for the benefit of us both for him to stop, and he was originally the one who says he wants help stopping... So my main question is how to get him to, since it's a mutual thng for it to stop. I am not the one forcing him to want to, contrary to how it may sound.
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A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (29 February 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe does not claim to feel bad about it. He told me he feels bad about it because he doesn't want to look at any other woman. Thisas admitted before he knew how deeply it hurt me. I do agree neither of us are innocent in the problem, though. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, princessminusconfidence +, writes (28 February 2008):
princessminusconfidence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe porn being cheating i a matter of opinion and personal commitment limits, boundaries, and expectations. We have always tried tokeep an open mind. Even before I explained that I felt betrayed and that it hurt worse than when I have been cheated on, he said that he felt it was cheating and felt guilty every time he has done it... so this is a mutual understanding and open communication, not an isue of control or solely insecurity. However, it is extremely painful. I know many men who do not look at it or enjoy it when they know they should be focusing their attention on their wife/girlfriend. I don't think it is wrong if it is something agreed upon in the relationship. I believe it is wrong for us, since it makes both of us feel terrible.
He wasn't looking at it in moderation for a while. It seemed like an obsession. We like to have no secrets in the relationship, which is why when I caught him he admitted how often and what he was viewing, which I happened to find on our computer by accident anyways. Plus, he looks mainly at strippers, not sex and positions, etc. He said he focuses on their body parts and movements and picks those that he is attracted to, especially the butts. After a while, he said he realized they turn him on still when he doesn't even want it to, all because he got used to it. He says he is more attracted to me than them and doesn't want to waste a minute on any other woman, especially a "whore" (his words), when hi sexual energy could be used on me. He also stated he wants his every orgasm to belong to me and wants to stop. This i his views on it, which collaborate with mine. That's how we defined it as a problem. We have a very tight friendship, too... and we have talked about fantasies, etc. He has said he really doesn't have any. I was like, "Man, c'mon! Everyone does." He says Ifulfill them all... We have an exciting sex life, another reason he confesses to me he really has no need for it. We both agree it is emotional cheating, especially with my manic depression and bipolar. Things that I want not to hurt me, they still do. It's hard to fight.
I would love to email you about it because it would help to talk to someone, regardless of whether or not they see it like I do. It helps more than I thought... Thank you so much for your insight! I was not fighting you with my response, just clearing some things up that maybe I communicated poorly in my original post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): He may be using porn to escape something. It may be that he longs for you to experiment more in the bedroom, he could possibly be bored with your sex life or he could be getting tips. What ever the reason he doesnt need you breathing down his neck like a mother would do you are his wife not his mother!!Have you thought of ways to spice things up in the bedroom. Such as buying sexy underwear or other things that he might like. You dont have to compromise you values but try to meet himn half way as he is soon to be your husband and you dont want him getting bored and going else where!You will lose him if you continuie to be this possesive. Rememeber, even though he is your fiance, he is still his own person, and will do whatever he desires. You cant change a person and you cant control one no matter how much you try. He is not cheating on you by watching porn!! Stop checking up on him and trying to find ways to catch him outOne last things how can you both be getting married if trust is such an issue?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Also, he says he has no fantasies we do not share. It is him more than me wanting to stop...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): It's the fact he usually watches one woman and picks them out based on their butts and how they move their body. He told me he feels it is cheating. Since I do too, it is a mutual thing. He admits he's happier not doing it. It was just a habit he had before me.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 ok first of all i really dont think its fair that you have told him you consider this cheating - it is most certainly not. men look at it every day - it doesnt mean they find us any less attractive or anything - its something they do that we will never really get. making him think that wat he is doing is cheating on you is not fair to him. looking at porn in moderation is completely natural and normal for everyone, as is masturbation. i think that you should try to stop being so insecure and realise that you have a man who clearly loves you for who you are and wants you and no one else. when men watch porn - its more the sexual acts that they are watching and not the stars. its the excitement of different orientations and positions that they like, and alot of the time, they imagine that it is their partner and themselves doing this. you know you are attractive so stop worrying. your controlling him is not a healthy sign of a relationship. let him watch it in moderation - my boyf does and i am completely fine with it - as long as he doesnt do it in bed beside me!! there is a time and a place and as long as he respects that, he should be allowed explore his sexual fantasies and learn when he wants. you never know it could benefit you in the bedroom, i know i have from it!! im sorry if this is not wat you wanted to hear but its the truth - just cos he watches porn doesnt mean he wants you any less. honestly hun its just a man thing!! if you want any more help on how to deal with it or anything just email me good luck xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): You're both the cause of this problem. If you have a good sex life there should be no problem with him looking at porn every now and then. He claims to feel bad about it, but that's because you think its cheating and a sin. If he's not obsessive, and he still chooses you over porn, there should be no problemYou're creating despair for him, as he's trying to stop because you want him to, but still has the desire to watch it, as most men do. He doesn't feel guilty about it because he thinks its wrong, he feels guilty because you think its wrong. The truth of it is that there's nothing wrong with it as long as the guy can distinguish porn from reality and isn't neglecting you in any way because of it. If it bothers you that much, and you feel nothing can change that, then try to find a compromise. You could take erotic pictures for him so that he can masturbate to those instead. If nothing works you'll either have to learn to live with it or leave him, or he'll have to basically torture himself mentally to keep you happy. That might sound a bit extreme, but that's basically what it is, as its his natural desires against the guilt he feels for breaking his promise to you.
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