A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 45 my girlfriend is 28,which we have been together for 2 yrs and have a son.I have only slept with 1 woman before her, my ex wife who I was with for 23 years. I have this re occurring problem which plays on my mind, she has had about 4 partners in the last 10 years as we have discussed this and I seem to be every now and then struggling with this thinking about it. We are very much in love so why am I beating myself over this ?? the partners were before me not while with me !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): Wow thanks guys your answers are exactly what I needed to hear, and make all the sense in the world I knew the answer but you have made me realise that it's all in my own head...thanks again :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): In my opinion you shouldn't worry about this so much. It's a very respectable number for a duration of 10 years. Heck, if you want to look at it on the positive side, look at it this way, she has more experience and maybe brings news things to your sex life. I used to think like you but I must say, thinking in this positive way does help a whole lot! :)
ps. they were before you, they are long gone, she is with you now, enjoy that. :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): It's a psychological problem, a form of OCD, called retro-active jealousy. It's not so uncommon; it's even bio(chemical) based. If you understand it, it's easier to deal with. Men are possessive of their mates; it's what bonds us to our mates. It's a way of protetcting our genes --. Taken too far, it's not good, of course. It's one of the reasons why men don't want to date "lose" women or women who have one night stands -- don't want to deal with other guys genes or raising another guy's kid. Look it up. You'll understand more. By the way, congrats on banging a 28 yr old at 41+, and stop complainaing:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): 'she has had about 4 partners in the last 10 years as we have discussed this and I seem to be every now and then struggling with this thinking about it'I don't think it's her previous partners that you struggle with. After 2 years you know that they are now only hazy memories for her. I would say it's your self esteem that you need to work on. You are insecure about whether you are enough for her, comparing yourself to previous partners. The fact that you are here and they are not means you are the man she chose. To help yourself realise this, keep doing the small things that make her happy. The smiles and appreciation you get will remind you that she would not rather be with anyone else.Also, the fact that you weren't a virgin yourself makes it hypocritical for you to be uncomfortable with her past. Your first sexual relationship didn't last for life. Neither did her previous sexual relationships. What's the difference? Look at it that way and you'll realise you're looking for issues where there aren't any.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): You have a possessive nature. You feel you own this young woman and she has been tainted by other men. You feel jealous of the thought of her sharing intimacy with anyone else.You are old enough to know that she can't make her past life disappear. You are also old enough to know that virgins are few, and there is no reality in the thinking that they are any better than any other woman.You may be a little old-school, but purity isn't exactly much of a reality in the 21st century. Even if the woman was a virgin, she has to live with the fact that you slept with other women. You're an older guy leftover from a previous broken marriage. How does your ex feel about you being with a woman 17 years younger? You're old enough to be her dad. Yet you're obsessing about her sexual past.What exactly attracted you to her in the first place?She could have lied and said she had only one guy in her past. Would that make you feel better? Exactly what difference does it make anyway?I think you should focus your thoughts on keeping your girlfriend and child happy and loved. I think you need to be more concerned about what happens in the bedroom between the two of you now.If you keep dwelling on her past, the resentment will build into anger and distrust. Your jealousy will manifest into mistreatment of this woman. She doesn't deserve it. Two years and a child later, and you're still dwelling on her past life? Just remember this. She can always find someone younger with less concerns about who she slept with before him.She isn't tainted by her past. It's all in your head. Women aren't supposed to like sex? Only four men in over 10 years?She was saving herself for the right man. Most sexually active single women would have that many men over the course of a year.She was searching for YOU!!! You had better love her for who she is now, just the same as she is taking you for who you are.
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reader, Serpico  +, writes (26 April 2013):
You are beating yourself up over this BECAUSE you are very much in love. Trust me, if she was just a fling, you wouldnt care what her past was.You are experiencing something called retroactive jealousy. It is an inconvenient relic of our evolutionary pasts, and afflicts a surprisingly large number of men, and some women as well. My suggestion to you is use the search function here - there is plenty of discussion and advice. Pay particular attention to a poster named Yos, who seems to have a very good handle on this.My warning to you - you are in for one tough ride. (I know from experience). Im not saying it cannot be beat, but it will take almost everything you have. Not to scare you, just prepare you.Good luck.
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