A
female
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anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been remodeling the home we share for the past 3-4 years. Nothing major; we're not knocking down walls, just re-carpeting, did some tile work in the bathrooms, got new kitchen cabinets. We haven't been obsessed. In fact the progress has been pretty slow. We both like doing other things; We don't want the house to consume every moment. Sometimes my husband will get on a roll and we'll spend several week ends doing stuff. If he's feeling enthusiastic I just go with it. Suddenly today he started blaming me for all the work that he feels I've "heaped on him". I reminded him that for the past 2 week-ends I didn't want to work on the house, in fact I even bought tickets for a play so we could take a break and do something different for a change. Also I might point out a certain single Mom at his office who has a crush on him. I know about their "friendship" because she sends him text messages sometimes that are a little too friendly for a co-worker. I don't like it, and I have mentioned it a few times but I try to remember that he comes home to me every night. Today there was a luncheon at his office. I felt like she was watching his every move and there was this softness about her eyes. For the first time ever I felt genuinely uncomfortable with it. When I got home tonight he had a melt down about all the work he feels like he's "stuck doing" on the house "all the time". Is he just tired? Stressed out about stuff at the office? I feel that way sometimes too. But I can't shake the nagging thought that suddenly this woman seems to be the uncomplicated, carefree answer to all his woes. I told him we should take a break on the house. It was never my idea to work on it every week end anyhow. He did that to himself. But we both have a list of things we'd like to do. And I try to balance it out with other functions and parties so we have variety. Some weekends I don't want to do anything! But now I just feel weird about this. If I'm honest with myself, lately he has been at the office alot more. Sometimes there are gaps in his day where it seems like he just "disappears". He'll tell me he's taking off for the afternoon, but then later tell me he stayed at work. Or he'll tell me he's going to do this, this and this and when I get home, he's done none of those things yet he wasn't at the office either. I haven't said anything, I've been so busy with my own job, but it's just now starting to dawn on me that there could be more behind this than I originally thought. I've already suggested we take a little trip and get away from the house and the unspoken pressure of our to-do list but he doesn't seem that thrilled about that either. What do you think?....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): Sounds like he is unhappy about the marriage. Resenting you for the remodeling work is a cover for expressing resentment towards you in general.
He wants to spend his free time with her but cant because obviously he is married. I think he feels trapped in this marriage because being married means he cant develop things further with her but is afraid to come right out and say it so he hides behind the remodeling project to vent his feelings of being trapped.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 May 2012):
 I know the obvious answer would be to call him out about the affair, but what good does that do, without obvious proof, and what's the next step when he denies?
He is getting busy to avoid dealing with you, because he is hiding the fact that he is enjoying the attention that his coworker gives him. In most marriages passion dies down. He has not seen that soft eyed look on a woman for the longest time (it seems), and it is making him feel like something is lacking in the marriage and he blames you for being stuck in this boring marriage. This really is the stuck feeling he is talking about. Why is he withdrawing? I suspect that he is feeling tremendous guilt by being flattered by another woman. He doesn't like that feeling and he is suppressing it and denying it. If he feels like catering to your emotional needs is another heap of demand, perhaps you have to withdraw from him also and do things that you enjoy without him. Get a new hairstyle and learn something new. He responds to new, exciting things and shuns familiarity. If you say nothing, and don't fixate on his problems maybe it might pique his curiosity about your life, and why you haven't been complaining yet.
How is your sex life going? Try thanking him for all his work at the house. Don't comment on what should be done in the house or whether you should get away from it. You know that his complaining has nothing to do with house work. Simply just acknowledge all the things he's done and how lucky you are to be with a fixer upper husband.
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