A
female
age
,
*herdaily
writes:I've been reading a lot of questions and answer about being married to an alcoholic. Its good to see I am not the only one in this type of relationship. But at 50 years old I should have known better. I started dating my husband a little over a year ago. He worked a lot so time together was limited. I knew on his days off he would sometimes drink a little more than he should but didn't realize the extent of his problem. We both like to drink, for me only beer, and I am strictly only later at nite as a night cap before bed. Maybe I am an alcoholic too in my own way but I drink 4 or 5 after working all day and before retiring to bed while I finish housework or paperwork. I work full-time and well items on EBay as well. We married just a couple of months ago. Had a few arguments over his drinking but I thought it would get better if we got married because jealousy played a lot in his moods. Well, he was fired after working 22 years at the same company I work at. It was partly due to his drinking before he went into work. Now he is home without a job and trying to look for the most part, but drinking a lot more. Somedays it is breakfast, lunch and dinner and when this happens he is very moody, mean and nasty to me, and becoming physically abusive as well on a couple of occasions. I now see his drinking as a much bigger problem than I thought it was. I'm afraid I made a bad decision getting married. He says mean things and of course, apologizes afterwards. But sometimes he just plain doesn't remember and believes somehow I am the one who is at fault. Believe me, I try everything and anything to avoid letting him drag me into an argument but sometimes it becomes impossible. I'm not sure what to do here if it doesn't get better. Should I leave. I am seriously thinking about it but hate to abandom him at the same time when he needs me. But if he continues to drink too much and physically abuse me, I can't stay. He tries to quit after he has been really bad but that only last a day or two then it starts over again. He says he loves me more than anything, but when he is drinking he treats me more like he hates me. I'm totally confused. Anyone who has any suggestions, it would be appreciated.
View related questions:
alcoholic, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, beachysand +, writes (14 February 2009):
I was married to an alcoholic for 8 years and yes it was tough and I did love him but when he drank he was verbally abusive. As the years went by I thought he would change after going to rehab 2 or 3 times but he never did change. I dumped him at a time when I had 4 small children but needed to take that chance so they would have a peaceful life and have a chance in life to be happy. Its better to have one healthy parent than 2 parents that are fighting and unhappy. I would advise you not to stay with him. I have been a single parent for a long time and I cant imagine what my kids would have to have gone through if I decided to stay with an alcoholic. If he doesnt treat you with respect and kindness, that us women all deserve, you need to end it or you will just be an enabler of his disease. He has to conquer it himself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Sounds so familiar! I have lived your story for over 16 years. I was 40 when I married him. It wasn't alcohol it was drugs! And I was a recovering addict who wanted to stay clean and sober! Other than that, our stories are the same.
I saw red flags when we were dating but thought it would get better once we were married. I actually thought God put him in my life so I could be a good example...WRONG! He dragged me down! He lost his job 2 days after our wedding! He became depressed, which caused him to get high, getting high made him more depressed. It was only several months into the marriage when he began the physical abuse. At first it was punching walls, and windshields, and eventually it was punching me, choking me, he ran my foot over, fractured my ribs three times, broke my nose (claimed that was an accident, but I have my doubts) It never improved...maybe for a month here and there, but always returned to the same scenario. If I had it to do over again, I would leave the first time he layed a hand on me! That's 20/20 hindsight. It took me all those years to finally accept that I can't change him! And he would never change on his own. I finally divorced him 2 years ago. He died last August, high and alone...sad, but at least he is at peace! He was 51 years old. His brother was an alcoholic, he died at the age of 53. The body can only take so much abuse! Sooner or later it is gonna catch up with you.
You have to make your own decision on where you should go from here. I wish you luck, you have a hard road ahead!
...............................
A
male
reader, Equinox  +, writes (13 February 2009):
It sounds that you love him very much and therefore you should take a tough love approach, leave him and stay somewhere else for awhile. Tell him that he needs to address his addiction, he can get help through alcoholics anonymous and other organisations. Once he has sorted out his addiction and also has obtained another job, then you can consider to return to him. Also, as a way of support try to write him letters during the time your away if you do decide to leave. Hope this helps. All the best.
...............................
|
