A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'd like opinions from everyone about communication and responsibility within a relationship. To briefly summarize, my boyfriend and I live in my childhood home. We get by w/ our jobs and friends/tenants helping out on the monthly expenses. B/c my bf can't pay for most of the bills, I carry most of that weight for the both of us(car insurance x2 cars, phones, groceries). A few months ago I was in an accident and the other driver was at fault. After resolving the total loss, the insurance company opened a bodily injury claim for me. TBH my chest hurt, but that was about it. I went to Patient First and was given the OK. The insurance co offered to settle the issue w/ a lump sum I was okay with, it beyond exceeded my expectations, so I settled. When I spoke with my bf about it, he got mad and said we could've sued for way more. Me personally, I wasn't interested. He's criticised me that I often make choices w/o his input or decide what I'm doing and not consult him; while I understand the complaint, I feel like I shouldn't need to consult him on things that impact me solely. His argument is that if we are as broke as I claim, then I should've avoided settling. It was an accident, I don't want to summon bad karma making something out of nothing; additionally, my bf had to file for bankruptcy for a similar situation and I hated seeing what the legal process did to him, so i felt I was given the right amount and no point pursuing more. Wouldn't the legal fees from whatever legal team I utilized negate the win if I were to successfully sue? 1, should I have spoken w/ my bf about this?2. and was this a missed financial opportunity?I genuinely feel fine w/ the choice, but his nagging words make me think I did make a mistake. Honest feedback is appreciated.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2017):
 Are you SURE you're common law? Check your state, because common law is all but absent in the US now as far as a legal marital status is concerned, and don't let him tell you any different when he comes pressuring you about that money.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. Our goal is marriage and at this point we're common law. That lump is def being put to the side.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 September 2017):
Your boyfriend is WAY out of line. If he wants *that* kind of input into your finances, then he should marry you, plain and simple. Your boyfriend is an emotional status, not a legal financial one.
You live together, so your expenses are like roommates, not spouses. You agree on who pays what. You do NOT mingle finances and tell other people what they can or can't do with their money.
I would suggest putting that lump sum AWAY in an account that he cannot access. It is YOUR money, not his. He has no say, no direction, nothing. He is going to be jealous and want your money, and he's already started applying pressure on what you should do with your own money.
He's been doing that with your money even before you got your settlement! He's living in YOUR home, off of YOUR money. What does he do with HIS money?? He should be carrying 50% of the bills, or why the hell are you even with him?
You didn't make a mistake. lawyers go for the quick settlement and make a fast buck off of you, and your share generally makes for as much or less than what you would have had anyways. How would your boyfriend benefit from any amount you bring in? Is he wanting your money? GET RID OF HIM if he pulls that crap on you!
Let me put it more plainly:
You are not married.
Playing house isn't the same as running a household.
He is sponging off of you.
He will be after you for the money until it's gone. He will promise, threaten, pressure, guilt, and otherwise pry you from it by any means necessary. He might even propose to you to co-opt it.
Paying for a boyfriend is never a good idea. He's staying with you because he is dependent. He needs to seriously grow up. So do you. Don't talk about the money anymore. Do not let him touch the money. Put it in a new account AWAY from your primary funds. If he brings it up, tell him that you don't want to talk about it and change the subject. REFUSE to discuss it with him. It has nothing to do with him. He is not your husband or even your fiance. Those are legal financial statuses, not BF/GF, because once he gets his hands on it, as your BF, you have no safeguards whatsoever.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (1 September 2017):
Unfortunately, the USA has become a swamp for litigious opportunity. Your BF wasn't the one who suffered in this accident but he is the one who wants to capitalize on it. It was your accident, it is your choice as to how to handle it. I might be of a different opinion if you were a married couple, but this is your BF. And he sounds like a deadbeat who wants to use you for financial gain. I see this as prostitution without the sexual component. At a minimum, you shouldn't be paying for guy's car insurance, phone and groceries. What's with that???!!! Shame on you!
He needs to be a big boy and at least cover his basic costs. Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Would he stick around if you weren't paying him to do so? Forget this injury settlement issue...just having him in your life is a far bigger problem. Dump him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2017):
 1. no, he is not your lawyer or financial advisor.
2. no, suing people for money when you REALLY don't have a valid claim is NOT a "missed financial opportunity" - it's fraud.
My youngest niece got hit by a driver (supposedly drunk) while waiting on the school bus (she was in high school back then) He clipped her arm and she broke it in two places. He settled out of court to avoid the CRIMINAL charges of fleeing the scene. (he claimed he didn't see her or notice that he hit anything - and thought if he did it was a deer - pretty dumb excuse...) Anyways. His insurance paid for her medical bills and a lump sum of 100,000. Which may not seem like a lot, but let's be honest. SHE BROKE her arm. THAT is it. SO no lasting effects other than a scar.
Could she have sued him for more? Probably. Because this is America and people sue of split coffee. Does it make it right to sue? I don't think so... Not morally or ethically.
So I think you MADE the right choice.
What I think you are doing "wrong" is paying for HIS bills with YOUR money. you aren't married. Your money is YOURS. Let's say this relationship doesn't last, then you have WASTED what could have been a nice nest egg on this gonzo.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 August 2017):
1, should I have spoken w/ my bf about this?When you are in a relationship, most of the time, decisions should be taken as a couple. While you skipped his opinion this time, it was good that you didn't consulted about this, because he would have nagged you to sue and go to the burden of a long legal process.2. and was this a missed financial opportunity?NO. Listen, the only way to make money from a lawsuit, is by being an attorney. Those things can backfire some times if your opponent have very good layers. You did the right thing, settle for an amount you seemed reasonable, and not bothered with a long and troublesome legal process. You are also correct in trying to avoid bad karma, because like I mention, things can get out of hand easily. If you are the bread winner right know, then it's OK for you to take the decisions for both from time to time, until he is able to get back on his feet. Best luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 If you feel fine with it then that is all that matters. Personally I would have discussed it with my partner, obviously you should have the final say as it effects you but as a couple these things I think really should be discussed.
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