A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Sex Question: I have been with my boyfriend for about two years and we have a great sex life. The one thing that I do not really like is when he fingers me. Everything else is great,but I feel like he can be a bit to aggressive in that department during foreplay. We have kind of talked about this but I don't think he really gets it. Usually when things are starting to heat up and he is doing other things, I will start to touch myself. This to me solved two problems because one it turns him on and two it turns me on. (I dont do this every time). Most recently things started to heat up and he was doing some up top work I guess you would say and I started to touch myself, it was all going pretty well until he started to make his hands down that way. Now he does do this a lot and everytime I kinda wish he wouldnt because it screws up what I am doing and I don't really like when he fingers me. So most recently he started to move his hands down and every time I would kind of push them away and direct them to another part of my body. He kept doing it though and I politely would just move them away and try to make it easier by telling him I wanted him to just play with my boobs or something. Well the third time I did this he randomly stopped what he was doing and just put his hands off me and said he probably had to get going soon? I asked him what was up and he said nothing. Obviously there was and he eventually said he felt a little shut down but he stopped talking about it there said good night and left. I thought that was very odd? And honestly my question is, is it wrong what I did? I mean would that make any other guy kind of let down? I dont want him to feel that way but at the same time I feel like hes acting kind of dramatic? IDK any advice. ps sorry if this was TMI
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2012):
 of course you tell him what you like and dont' like
but TELL HIM.
my husband has the need to just PUT ME where he wants me and not TALK to me... and it's INFURIATING.
just say to him, "honey I know you like to blah blah blah but it really gets me off better when you blah blah blah"
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 "We have kind of talked about this but I don't think he really gets it."
Actually it's not TMI, it's not enough I.
You need to do more than kind of talk about it, you need to really talk about it. Embarrassing and difficult, but it's how you can solve this.
You need to tell him he's too rough with you, and it's not a turn on. You need to tell him what you want, or show him. Get him to do it to you, and say 'yes' when its going well, and when it's not say 'no', then tell him what to change. Practice makes perfect. As long as he wants to please you then this will get the result you want, and if he doesn't want to please you then sorry to say you're with the wrong guy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 You did nothing wrong. If your boyfriend doesn't want to feel shut down then he should stop doing things he knows you don't like. It's as simple as that. Gently redirecting his hand was a perfectly acceptable way of non verbally communicating with him that you didn't like what he was doing without criticizing him. If he isn't gracious enough or mature enough to recognize that then let him sulk on his own for a while. Please don't start second guessing yourself, especially when it comes to sex. You boyfriend is not an all knowing expert, regardless of how much more experience he MIGHT (or might not) have than you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): No it's not wrong what you did at all OP. Sex is about pleasure not pain, if there are parts that are not pleasurable then you don't do them or don't let him do them.
It's time to teach him during the act OP. 2 years he really should know this by now but it's time you showed him how you like to be touched down there, go through everything you like to have done and tell him to be gentle and not get carried away as it hurt and makes it not fun.
If he wants throw his toys out of the pram just because you don't want to be mauled then he needs to grow up.
I don't think he will though OP, just show him how to do it. Spread open your legs, grab his hand and guide it, use your hand to show him all the places you like being touched and how much force to use. but make it clear to him OP, that just because you're getting worked up with pleasure doesn't mean that going harder or faster is going heighten that, a vagina is not like a penis that way and you need to tell him that.
It wouldn't make us feel let down in the way you think, it does however dent the ego a little OP, makes us feel we're useless at it if you don't want us to do it, but you know what that is kind of why you don't want him to do it. Just approach it in a way of what you prefer, not what he's doing wrong.
Communication is the key here OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2012):
 YES, it is OK to say what you like and don't like. BE honest with him and tell him he is too rough and that it stops being enjoyable, now if he WANTS to participate take his hand and guide it show how fast, how hard and so forth.
Just moving his hand doesn't teach him anything. Other then don't touch me.
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