A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My question: Was I wrong in asking my boyfriend's father to ask us before coming over?My boyfriend of 4 years and I recently decided to move in together. We've been considering it for the last year, and the opportunity came up about 6 months ago when his father purchased a third house to rent out. We decided to ask together if he would consider us as tenants, and he agreed! He gave us a strict (but manageable!) budget, let us pick the house, and we managed to stay 50,000 under....things were going very well. We started paying the full rent the day we got the keys. We even got approval by his father to get my father (a construction professional at NAFB) to help/perform thousands of dollars in repairs/upgrades for free. My boyfriend and I paid for materials, my father did the work for free. My boyfriend and I purchased a refrigerator, washer, and dryer too since the house was gutted by the previous owners.Let me give a little background.. My boyfriend hails from New York, and he comes from a patriarchal family. While, I'm from Nevada and my parents always had a mutual level of authority. This really hasn't been an issue for us. When we decided we were serious we discussed these things; children and how to raise, income, authority, sex, gender roles etc. We had some trouble ironing out some small kinks but in the end we made sure we had a solid solution we both agree to. My point for this is we without doubt agreed we are in an equal relationship.Now that we are 1 week out from moving in things are rocky! Before we started our renovations, my boyfriend and I agreed that during renovations each day no one that is not performing the renovations should be in the house...ourselves included if we had nothing to do. So this weekend we were expecting our furniture (couch, washer, dryer, refrigerator, stove) to arrive and my father, boyfriend/I were installing our new sink/faucet, sealing the grout in the bathrooms, and re-grouting the counter-top tiles in the kitchen. In the middle of finally dropping the sink into place, my boyfriends father comes in and wants to talk. He ended up leaving because he was offended that we couldnt afford him any attention at that time.Afterward, I asked my boyfriend to call and ask his father to call before coming over, while I told my father the same thing. He hung up. He wouldnt talk to his son all day. Later, after plenty of pleading from his mother, he talked to my boyfriend. He said that the call never should have been made, and that I had no place telling him when he can come over. He told him that it was disrespectful and he should have stood up for him and that he will NEVER come over again because I make him feel not welcome. He told him that he was the "bitc*" in our relationship and should be ashamed.Of course this led to a fight between us. I viewed it as senseless for his father to get mad over not getting attention, and the fact that we are PAYING to live there should give us a right to kindly ask him to call so we can be prepared next time. My boyfriend felt guilty about his dad and was furious with me! After seeing him miserable all day, I told my boyfriend I would apologize. Even though I was not sorry for asking his dad to call, I was sorry it caused such grief in his relationship with his father, and wanted to tell his dad it was not my intention to make him feel unwanted....but his dad wont budge. He wont accept my apology or even listen to it.My boyfriends solution is that we should break up and we should not move in because he wants to make his dad happy. I asked him to think about it, and he said he didnt want to do it, but he didnt want to lose his dad. He has calmed down, and decided to stick it out...but I cant help but ask was I wrong? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, yes, I've never been able to just stroll over. I do not have a key or anything to get in, and I have to call the house telephone every time. I have no problem with that.
Also, I'm not sure how he is henpecked when I asked him to remind his father to call so we can be prepared the next time he comes over while we do renovation work. My boyfriend was the one who mentioned that during the work, only those who are working should be allowed in. I agreed.
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