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anonymous
writes: i have been with my partner for three years now for the first year our relationship had its up and downs. things are really good between us aaand we are even looking at buying a house together but i have asked and hinted about getting engaged adn his reply is "yeah not now or stop going on about it" i love him very much and want to get married to him. He was married for 12years i have never been married. why won't he commit to me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): i know what you mean, but at least he is sayoing not yet at least there is some hope i love my boyfriend to piecs and he does not want to get married or have children and i want both toe things. I m kind of glad there are other folk out there who are going through the same thing. I aggree with the other guy tell him how you feel, my friends have told me the same but i guess i am reluctant as i so sick of thinking about it now.
A reader, adamsmum19, writes (14 February 2005): Hi, I think he is maybe a bit scared of being committed again. He might think that once things are official, it all goes down hill. It sounds like you both have diferent ideas about committment. I know if I were to be buying a house with somebody, I would expect to get married. Maybe he doesn't understand how serious you are about tying the knot. I would sit down with him and tell him your reasons as to why you want to get married and how important it is to you. Maybe then he will open up and tell you why he is a bit reluctant. If you are really happy with this man and you love him, you should really tell him how you feel. Hope this helps, all the best.adamsmum19
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 February 2005):
 Hi there,I can't tell you why he won't commit to you. That's something only he can tell you. You might try asking him, though from your brief description, it doesn't sound like he enjoys discussing his feelings and thoughts very much. You may not get a good answer.Look at his previous marriage for some clues. How does he interact with his ex now? Did the marriage end messily? Does he have kids from that marriage? Are there unresolved issues from that relationship, such as disputes over child-maintenance payments or custody? Did he feel that he got shafted by the divorce settlement? Did he have to take a big cut in his living standard after the divorce? There are thousands of possible reasons that he doesn't want to get married to you, and some are undoubtedly rooted in his previous failed marriage.The main point for YOU is that he has given you a clear indication that he doesn't want to marry you any time soon. You need to stop... Pause.... Think about that statement... Give it time to soak in... Reflect on it... Then review it: He doesn't want to marry you any time soon. Re-read the preceding paragraph as many times as necessary until you understand it.Buying a house together is a major financial commitment, but it DOES NOT necessarily mean that he's thinking of marriage. If you misunderstand this point, you may be in for some major disappointments that could end your relationship.I know personally of a friend who thought that the fact that she and her bf were buying a house together meant that they were (in her words) "on the brink of marriage". She decided to celebrate and "surprise him" by getting pregnant. As it turns out, he saw the house as a Good Investment and naively thought she might want to invest, too. You can imagine how she felt when she finally realised. Their relationship lasted until just before her daughter was born and they never did get married.My advice is to not kid yourself. Your boyfriend has told you to "stop going on about it". He refuses to be drawn on when he might give you a date. I don't see any indication that he wants to marry you now or in the future, so you should either get used to that idea, or make a clean break. If you love him as much as you say, then stick around for five or ten years and see if he changes his mind. However, he might not. You have to at least consider that he may never marry you. Is it the relationship or the security that you want?As an aside, it sounds as if your bf is quite a bit older than you, particularly if he was married for 12 years and you've never been. Maybe you should explore the idea of finding a man who's younger and might be more interested in getting married, if that's what's most important to you.-B
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