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female
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anonymous
writes:I am divorced and have put myself out to make sure my son has a good relationship with his Dad. This has meant keeping things going with his parents too, who have helped a lot.When he lived 30 miles away I did one journey up and back, to either take or deliver my son. People said I was being too soft at the end of a tiring week and that it was up to my ex to sort out collection and delivery for his contact time. Nevertheless I kept it up, even when he started to expect it of me in a nasty way. He has never shown any sign of gratitude, the more I do the more he promotes it as my duty.We each have our son for a whole weekend and on alternate ones, when he has him on a Friday evening. Recently he has started a new job which means he can't get out son until 7pm. His Mum has been collecting our son and keeping him on those nights. Now his Mum is away and when I reminded him that he would need to consider what to do on the Fridays he was very rude. He says he does not mind where he collects our son from but that he feels it is up to me to organise it. I feel it is up to him and I am sick of doing favours when he is so unappreciative, puts the phone down and is nasty. He always insists on having his free evenings from 5pm. He also insists that the alternate weekends for him is a Friday. This means that I have to sacrifice my time for him and be grateful. He does not recognise in any way that I deserve some thanks or at least to be asked and appreciated if I help him. I am so mad and humiliated. What would you do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help. The man is a control freak and a very angry person, which is why we are not together. What makes me so mad is the way he talks to me. I only called him to remind him that because his parents are away he would need to think about our son up until 7pm. He said (imagine his mouth shaped as though he had just sucked a lemon)"Excuse me but I an not speak now, I am eating". Then he did not call back for 2 days, then he told me that it is my responsibility to organise the childcare for him while he is at work until Friday 7pm. I have told him that my parents are happy to help if he calls them and that he can organise his own childcare during his contact time. I have also said if I don't hear some kind of confirmation of the arrangements I will be taking my son home and he won't be coming. This is just what you said I should not do but I just think I have got to the end of my tether. I have never done this before and it won't be a habit. My son wants to see his Dad. I have had years of this now and my lovely partner sees me take the abuse it gets really mad too. I have got to do something to stop my ex treating me this way and I am at a loss, it makes me look and feel very small.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): This child has two parents and each parent is equally responsible for that child's proper care. If you both are divorced and he and you have a pre-arranged visitation, then it is up to your ex to organize, plan and achieve any and all activity in regards to 'his' visitation with his child. If from time to time, you both agree and compromise on a circumstance where for eg: you drop the child off, then that's okay, too. But as this child's other parent, I would think he would be appreciative and a bit more gracious for what you are doing for him. So what can you do? Absolutely nothing, really. You most certainly can tell your ex how this all makes you feel and refuse to drop off and pick up the child. But to get nasty and threaten non-visitation and all that, you will then be using your child as a pawn. And then we both know who really suffers in the long run. I know, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and you feel put upon. But look into the eyes of your child and know...how much he'll benefit from seeing his Dad. Keep all discussion about 'visitation' problems away from the ears of your child. All you can do right now, is calmly tell your ex that you want him to be more responsible for pick-ups and drop offs. Work with your ex husband to ensure your child's happiness is always a priority. Even if sometimes it means, biting the bullet and 'being a bigger person' than we want to be. I can plainly see that you are considering your son's happiness, dear and I for one, certainly respect that. Take care, dear and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): This child has two parents and each parent is equally responsible for that child's proper care. If you both are divorced and he and you have a pre-arranged visitation, then it is up to your ex to organize, plan and achieve any and all activity in regards to 'his' visitation with his child. If from time to time, you both agree and compromise on a circumstance where for eg: you drop the child off, then that's okay, too. But as this child's other parent, I would think he would be appreciative and a bit more gracious for what you are doing for him. So what can you do? Absolutely nothing, really. You most certainly can tell your ex how this all makes you feel and refuse to drop off and pick up the child. But to get nasty and threaten non-visitation and all that, you will then be using your child as a pawn. And then we both know who really suffers in the long run. I know, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and you feel put upon. But look into the eyes of your child and know...how much he'll benefit from seeing his Dad. Keep all discussion about 'visitation' problems away from the ears of your child. All you can do right now, is calmly tell your ex that you want him to be more responsible for pick-ups and drop offs. Work with your ex husband to ensure your child's happiness is always a priority. Even if sometimes it means, biting the bullet and 'being a bigger person' than we want to be. I can plainly see that you are considering your son's happiness, dear and I for one, certainly respect that. Take care, dear and good luck.
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A
female
reader, elsie +, writes (15 March 2007):
 This setup sounds bad all round. You dont mention why you split up. If it was mainly you that instigated the divorce or caused the reason for the split then it sounds like he is carrying a lot of anger and bitterness. I've been through similar myself only my ex was the one who had affairs so if it was your partner that split you up for something irresponsible you have to view it from the bigger picture.He is that man and maybe didnt make you happy before. It's a shame that your ex can't see your son as a seperate person. I think you should visit a solicitor, that's what I had to do when my ex kept changing arrangements even those that were made by the solicitor. I still had to go back to my solicitor because he kept breaking arrangements. He was so shocked that i did this it woke him up and he realised I meant business for our son's sake.
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