A
male
age
41-50,
*ayislander
writes:I live in a remote Scottish isle, as such its not easy being a gay man--even one who isn't 'out' (though I'm fairly certain all those nearest and dearest to me know or at least suspect).There aren't many other men nearby for friendship or fun, let alone anything more substantial, there is however one guy I have known for about four years now (lets call him "Bob"). He is a couple years younger than me, we have a laugh and get on well, sharing a meal, grabbing a coffee, watching films, hanging out and chatting (other laden with double entendre and innuendo).I've never had a boyfriend/partner/significant other, most of my intimate time with other men have been one time things or semi-regular f***buddies, but with this guy I feel something very different--being sappy, I would be tempted to call it love.I once broached the subject about what he was looking for a couple years ago, to which his reply was "just friends" and I have respected this, made no attempt to change our 'relationship' beyond platonic friendship, though my feelings for him haven't changed.Here's where it gets a little complicated. He's mentioned a 'friend' he has on the mainland (who is currently in a rocky relationship that looks likely to end soon, we'll call him "Jim") and that 'Jim' might be moving to one of the bigger cities in Scotland to finish off his studying. 'Bob' has said that he would move to join 'Jim' if this were to happen--at which point it felt like he ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it in the bin.I told 'Bob' I would miss him if (and I do stress "if", this is all still theoretical at this point) that happened and I would, more than he probably realises. I haven't asked if there is actually more between these two other than just being friends, as I fear the answer. I don't want to do anything to jeopardise our friendship or his happiness with someone else, but I do wonder if maybe I shouldn't actually tell 'Bob' a little more of what I feel or if I should just let him go and try to find someone new?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): I agree, he is not the one for you. He is a 2 and 3 timer, not someone you want to spend more time on. Try to move on. You will feel down for a while but at least you didn't get into a full relationship with him thinking that there could be future. Sorry about all of this.
A
male
reader, gayislander +, writes (13 April 2015):
gayislander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all those who gave me feedback on this.Thought I would just give a little update following a conversation Bob and I had yesterday. I won't go into all the details but he said about how he was in a 'sort of' relationship with Jim, but how it was difficult because of the distance and also the bad situation Jim is in with his current husband and what might happen if/when he decides to split up with him.Bob mentioned how he wanted to be with Jim but just unsure how/when that would be, but ultimately he wanted them to be/live together (though this is a logistical nightmare given distance, etc).So there we have it. I have my answer now, and after hearing that was unable to even mention my feelings for Bob (cliché but I am something of an emotional coward). He will always be a friend and the first man I can say that I've loved, but it doesn't look like it will go further than that.Have to admit feeling pretty down.
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A
male
reader, gayislander +, writes (21 December 2014):
gayislander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice so far, its given me some things to think about (more thoughts and opinions are always welcome though). I thought I'd answer a few questions that have been raised to add a little more clarity.When I said I'd miss him I did notice a flicker of surprise on his face, he did say that if the move did go ahead I'd have a place to stay whenever I visited the city, then the conversation went onto other things--didn't dwell on the point for much longer. 'Bob' has mentioned 'Jim' once or twice before and a few times since (he's heading up for a week at the end of January, so I'll get to meet him and can "check out the competition" so to speak"), and has always seemed more friends than anything else--except when I was being told the move and the backstory behind it, there did (to me at least) sound like there was something more there.Where I live is a bit of a bugger (freedom wise that is), but I was born and raised here, all my immediate family is here, I have a steady well-paying job, which pays my mortgage. I have toyed with the idea of moving away, but I'm not sure just where I'd go and the thought of starting all over is daunting--though the prospect of finding someone special and starting a new chapter of my life does sound very appealing.'Bob' is a genuine, nice guy, not someone who'd toy with others emotions, so I doubt he's just stringing me along, he isn't that sort of chap. The thing is on a few online profiles he has (which is how we met), he likes chubby, hairy guys, which is just what I am (I've heard from a mutual friend that he has hooked up with another guy here who is bigger than me, so size isn't an issue for him). We both seem to be quite shy though (I know I have body confidence issues, but that's a whole other thing, which I aim to tackle in 2015). I know I can send messages, texts, emails, letters, etc. saying just what is on my mind and how I feel a hell of a lot easier than I ever could in a conversation. We have had naked fun once in the time we've known each other, and in recent messages we've shared he does remember how good it was, but since then there has only been the briefest glancing touch of body contact between us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I would let him know if you feel you want to and then try to move on and find someone else if you're able to where you are if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings at all. He seems to have indicated this already since he said he doesn't want more than friendship, but feelings can change.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): My best friend is gay. He had to move from a small town in Germany to Berlin in order to have a shot at a normal life.
But setting that aside, in your situation it is really difficult to say if Bob is really interested in youthe way you are in him, or is he just enjoying your friendship or/and (I'm sorry to say) feeding on your attention and emotionions, because he's lonely.
It happens all the time and has nothing to do with sexual orientaton.
If you can manage it, move.
I moved away from my home country for other reasons, but it can be boiled to lack of freedom and opportunities. I would hav edied inside had I stayed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): Whether you tell him or not, it's unlikely that this is a case of two people made to be together until the end of time.
The problem is where you live. If you carry on like this you're going to be very lonely. Either you have to meet someone online that you can meet in the mainland and who may actually want to come and live with you or you have to move home. The chances of someone being gay, coming to live where you do AND falling in love with you (all by chance and without your intervention at any stage) are as remote as where you live.
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