A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was a married man for 8 years. I have been having trouble with my marriage for 6 years. My wife was abusive physically and verbally. I stayed with her for the kids (that’s what I kept telling myself). I compare our relationship to others around us. I am disrespected by her in front of my family and friends and her family and friends. Through the years I have said many times I was going to leave so I did. A few days later we would both calm down. I would go back to her and we would never really apologize to each other. We would just look at each other and I would be sad I made her like the way she is…That’s right I thought it was my entire fault. About a year ago I got some comfort from another married women. We spent a lot of time online (she doesn’t live near me). She would talk about the issues she has with her husband. I would listen to them and think to myself what a jerk she married. I would talk to her about my problems and she would comfort me. We would joke about how perfect I and she were for each other. I have kids but we hardly ever had sex, I joke and say we are 4/4 as sad as it is. We probably have not had sex like we should. I started working out and exercising thinking again it was me, the reason she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I will be honest I have already thought about leaving her for someone else. Although that someone else was the person I was talking to online, married. So I tried to change things to want to love her again like a husband should love a wife. But my desire to make her happy was gone. This other women was everything I wanted. So it made it easy to avoid her and not care what she said/did. I have separated from my wife since I was scared to tell her that I had left my wife. We still talked but I felt guilty and scared. If I did tell her it would take the “safeness” away from our relationship. I broke down one day and told her. She made me feel that she was happy that I have left my wife. This made me a little happy. But I was also still very worried. I recently just met this other women (still married) we spent the weekend togetherShe called me and asked me to come to her. Without hesitating I booked a ticket and was off. I won’t go into details but I will say she was staying away from home to get some time to think about what she wanted in life. I met her for the first time ever. My heart was beating so fast the whole time flying to her. She was meeting me at the airport. When the plane landed I was smiling uncontrollably. Every corner I turned while walking to my luggage I would look like crazy if I see her. I rounded the last corner and there she was as beautiful as I have pictured her. She was smiling and giggling like a young girl. We looked at each other and kissed. I felt like a billion bucks. I had a great time with her. But I was really worried the whole weekend what we are doing to each other. The weekend ended and I had an amazing time. She said she was very happy also. I was too scared to ask her what she has decided. I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear the answer. Today she told me she talked to her husband yesterday and she thinks she has to give him another chance. My heart was broken, but at the same time I was expecting it. So I told her exactly how I felt. I told her if she was happy than I was happy. Even though I just wanted to say “he is going to go back to the old ways” than I thought maybe she just wanted to meet me see what I was like. She probably didn’t like me as much as she thought she would (even though she has made it clear that she feels very strong about me) So now that leaves me wondering what do I do now?Maybe I deserve this for having feelings or a married woman. Although I think to myself as much as it hurts me to see her out of my life. She has made me happier than I have been in years … and so easily. So maybe it was worth it…to feel loved and adored again...even as brief as it may have been. Am I giving up too easily? Should I try and convince her that I will be the one to make her happy? Or should I let her make the same mistake she has made before and give this guy another chance?I probably left a lot of stuff out and I probably included too much... this is my first post ever about anything personal. I am new to this so please be gentle: P
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): I think you are being too hard on yourself. Yes, some marriages are miserable, but they don't Have to be that way. I've seen love die in a marriage, but it can be resurrected again if both are willing to try. baby steps, as they say. Don't believe the lie that you are to blame for your wife's unhappiness either. It takes Two in a marriage to make it work. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Maybe this seperation will help you clear your mind and reevaluate your life. Take this time for yourself and do things that you like or make you feel special. I see alot of hope for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNah I am not one to go looking for love online. I said it before. If anyone told me that it was possible for me to fall in love with someone online ... well I would have laughed. But now I see it was very possible. To be fair we started talking when we were both married. I never did leave my wife cause I thought I was going to live happily ever after with this other women. I left her cause this woman made me feel like I should have love. That’s why I owe her more than I can ever say. I lived in the marriage for 8 years and thought it doesn't get better, I mean shit that’s marriage right? I am hoping I was wrong. I will try anything twice.(marriage I mean ) But after 2 times that’s where I think it is not meant to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Hi, your story is not all that uncommon. I just wish you would've found comfort with a single woman online. These relationships are based on fantasy and deceit. Not a realistic beginning for true love to blossom. The statistics are married men and woman Rarely leave their husband/wife for a mr. or mistress. I think it's 5%. So don't feel so badly. Although I should say, it was very Wrong to start this emotional affair with another mans wife. I think you should begin 'letting go' and break away from her. What I like about you is you want a Real Love that goes both ways. But don't sell yourself short, you DO deserve a woman who only has eyes for you. Since you're open to online relationships have you ever tried eHarmony.com? It's the best I've heard to find a soul mate...
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