A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a couple of problems I would like some help with.The first is this: I'm currently group house sharing with 4 people, two girls/two guys. My problem is that I think one of my housemates, an older man (he's 40, I'm 23) likes me. I'm not at all interested. He's not said anything but he's being extremely nice and is offering to take me out places and cook me meals (among other things). So I'm pretty sure he does but I'm surprised someone his age would even consider it, which also makes me doubt the assumption. Should I make it clear and if so, how so? Considering he hasn't actually said anything, it might seem a bit weird if I suddenly came out with "by the way I'm not interested". What would the best time, situation etc? Or should I just avoid him until he gets the message?The other is this, I have another male friend who for various reasons can't/won't get a girlfriend. I won't go into detail but it will suffice to say he won't compromise anything about his personality and unfortunately his personality means he won't be able to get a girlfriend (e.g he's only willing to spend 1/2 days a week with them). So he keeps making depressive statements to me about how lonely he is, and dropping hints that I'm the only person he's ever loved. I thought he would eventually change and move on but a year later he hasn't.For this next part to make sense I'll admit I have schizoid personality disorder which means I barely feel any emotion and that includes love. So the reason we get along is because we need to spend so little time with each other. I made it clear to him from the start I'm not interested and that I didn't like to get close to people (although I didn't tell him I have SPD), he's taken that literally and has now offered to be in a sexless relationship. I don't know how to handle this situation. I could tell him I have SPD but I also think he might always hold onto the hope that one day I'll change my mind. So what do you think I should do?Also finally as I mentioned above, I'm a diagnosed schizoid. I don't flirt, usually I don't even bother with facial expressions and will only occasionally manage a fake smile. I don't touch people at all - I have no need to. I don't feel close to my 'friends'. So I don't know or understand why people are even able to develop feelings for me. Perhaps someone could shed some light on this and tell me how to prevent it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This update may be a little late but:Chigirl, I followed your advice and after bluntly saying no a number of times the older guy eventually bought me flowers and chocolates at which point I thought it was appropriate to tell him I'm not interested. He seems to have got the idea now and is avoiding me.I've reduced contact with the friend to about a text a week. I was wondering if he has autism/aspergers - he has all the symptoms but he insists he hasn't.Also yes, unfortunately I started to develop it around 16-18 and it's only getting worse.Tisha, I don't know the older guy well enough to tell him that. I've only known him a matter of months. You don't always know how people will react to the information. With my condition, people for some reason immediatley think 'schizophrenia'. Or that it's not a real condition and I'm just afraid of getting hurt.My other friend it wouldn't really bother me telling him but the less people know the better as far as I'm concerned. I'm tired of trying to explain it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 You don't need to avoid the 40 year old. You just need to give him a firm answer, although an indirect one. Since he hasn't directly asked you anything, or said he likes you, the appropriate and less embarrassing response would also be indirect. Say he wants to cook for you. Just say "no thanks" each and every time. Say no no no. And don't come up with excuses either, just a blunt no thanks. No apologies, just a no. Don't say "no thanks, I just ate". Say "No thank you." If he asks why you can be direct and give him a straight answer "I don't want a man that I am not in a relationship with, or who is not family, to make me food. I find it uncomfortable, thats all".
As for your friend, just tell him you aren't interested in him romantically and don't love him. Maybe you should stop seeing him actually, because he obviously wants more than friendship from you, and as such you and him are NOT friends. You and him are in a one sided love story. The best thing would be to either have him STOP ALL attempts at pursuing you, or you to stop contact with him to a bare minimum, or cut him out completely.
Last, you can't prevent people from falling in love with you. They fall in love because their emotions allow them to, not because you allow them to. People cal fall in love with movie stars, or Harry Potter. If that can happen then needless to say, you do not need to flirt back in order for people to fall for you occasionally. You probably look beautiful in their eyes, which is appealing to them. You probably also come off as hard to get, which can make some men want to grab the challenge. But they will give up after a few attempts.
Another thing about your "friend", it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he is diagnosed with some mental disorder himself. Like I said, normal people would give up when rejected by the same person over and over and over. But he doesn't give up. He also has very strict systems for how a relationship can be, doesn't want to budge, and appears to be ignorant to your lack of emotions. After knowing him for a while I believe he should have been able to know by now that you are less emotionally present than normal people. But he seems to not have understood that. Which to me signals that he perhaps isn't "normal" himself either. A normal (and adult) person would have picked up on your SPD by now.
And, as a sidenote, I was in a schizoid state when I was a child, up to the age of 14-15. I was not diagnosed since children tend to "grow out" of it, whereas adults grow "into" their condition and have little chance or ever changing. But nevertheless, I know where you are coming from.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 Tell the second guy, thanks but no thanks, you appreciate the offer but aren't interested. If listening to him moan about his loveless life bothers you, excuse yourself when he starts to complain. Eventually, he'll figure out that you vanish when he moans. He may stop. He may not, in which case, just be honest. "John, I appreciate that you are unhappy with your love life. As there appears to be no appreciable change in your approach or attitude, I have worn out my patience with listening to its sad state. Let's move on, shall we? Thanks."
With the first guy, you could avoid until he gets the message or make a blanket statement, such as, "Fred, you seem to be a gentleman, always asking to cook a meal for me or take me somewhere. Your talents will no doubt be very appealing to many women. I'm afraid I'm not much for this type of socializing, though I do appreciate the generous offers" *regretful smile* OR during a conversation with him, flat out state this: "At this point in my life, I am not looking for any type of relationship at all, other than friendship."
It could be that they are trying to cheer you up, as they may perceive you to be depressed or emotionally lacking joy.
Could you explain why you can't tell them about your condition?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Thanks Honeypie so your advice is to ignore the first guy and tell the other guy again that I'm not interested?
Also only the older guy is my housemate, the other is just a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Hi, janniepeg. Maybe I've not explained this very well. I'm looking for the easiest, most convenient way to let them both know I'm not interested and never will be which will send a clear message and won't complicate or make things awkward.I don't really understand the first part of your answer - yes I am asking a question.....but for the rest, it's very unlikely I'm a late bloomer. I've had problems for years and been to a number of mental health professionals who eventually diagnosed me. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have done that if I was just a late bloomer.These guys can't tell if I'm a schizoid and I never claimed they could.I'm not trying to prevent anyone's feelings, just the situations in which they occur. I don't understand how people with no encouragement or emotional cues from me would continue to feel this way.I don't have conflict about being close to people, I simply don't need to be. The phrase I used to the second guy was an attempt to put him off me. It's not a very accurate or well explained statement. I could go into more depth but I didn't post here to debate my condition, I mentioned it to help with understanding. I just want my specifc questions answered.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2012):
 If you don't fancy either dude, just ignore any "hints". Unless one of them openly ask you to date/go out I would pretend that you were "clueless" to their advances.
Also dating flatmates is rarely a good idea.
As far as the SPD, unless it's a person you trust fully to support and understand you, I wouldn't tell.
I would honestly just tell him you have no interest in dating him or any other flatmates and to ask him to respect that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 I am sure you are in a way unique, but you do have a conflict as to whether you want to be close to people. We are all trying to be normal, right. You have a special condition but you are still an adult and you can use your instinct. You have this condition that makes you not want to share things with people, but you are somewhat still questioning otherwise you won't be here asking questions. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, otherwise it will be obligation. No one can tell you how to live your life. And also just because these two guys you don't fancy, doesn't mean in the future there won't be any guy who would knock your socks off. Maybe you are a late bloomer. Why would people develop feelings for you? Because you are good looking and unique? How could they tell you are schizoid? You can't prevent feelings, yours or others. Either people have aspergers, adhd, schizophrenic, we all have a right to feel feelings and express them until we are rejected.
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