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female
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*ricky
writes: My boyfriend won't compromise with me. He wants me to be completely sober or he won't marry me. It's not like I have a drinking problem either. I drink VERY infrequently. Maybe 1-2 times a month. I enjoy a glass or two of wine. I've gone out to restaurants or bars with friends or co-workers for the annual christmas party or to celebrate a birthday and he can't even deal with that. When we met, he didn't tell me he was looking for a sober girl. He just told me he didn't drink and I thought that was cool. He didn't make any comments until about a year later when we moved in together. Now I can't even have 1/2 a glass without hearing him complain. I WILL NOT be completely sober for him but I do abstain most of the time to consider his feelings. So I feel like he must consider my feelings on the rare occasion that I want to drink. Like at my birthday dinner or Thanksgiving. Is this reasonable? Are we doomed?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 This is symptomatic of a bigger control problem that you should definitely address in your relationship. Your partner may disapprove of your drinking but he doesn't then have the right to hold it against you in terms of the relationship. Remember if it wasn't alcohol, he would be finding something else. Reading between the lines, it seems you drink socially in bars etc and perhaps what he is really scared about is that you will meet another man in such places? There is absolutely nothing wrong with your alcohol intake - in fact a little drop of grape is good for your heart!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): I believe you should somehow get it through to his extremely sobered-skull that 1 or 2 glasses per month won't do anything. What is he? A friggin anti-alcohol fanatic. He sounds like a very boring person, with a very conservative mentality. Will he also be requiring you to stay at home, bake cake, and mother children, as well as express extreme satisfaction when he brings home a Hoover or a new Maytag for your birthday?
[thumbs up, waaay up]
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 Your request is reasonable. Any relationship requires a certain amount of compromise from both sides. If you refrain from drinking when you want to in order to consider his feelings, he should also allow you to have a drink now and then, even if he personally would rather you didn't.
What interests me is your boyfriend's complete intractability on the issue. Has he told you WHY this is so important to him? Did he have a friend die from alcohol poisoning, or an alcoholic parent, for example? Do you go completely apesh*t when you drink? Or, is he afraid that you'll do something irresponsible?
You need to get under the surface of this issue and find out what his fear is, then deal with the fear. My hunch is that he's either afraid that you'll get drunk and run off with some other man, or that you'll get hurt somehow. (Or, he may just be like Yours Truly, a non-drinker who thinks that drinkers are boring.)
Until you do that, I really feel that you shouldn't be discussing marriage at all, because it may be that your BF isn't a person who can make personal sacrifices for the good of a relationship. And if he isn't, then marriage to him is going to be slow torture, as you make compromise after compromise, and your resentment builds.
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