A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have been through one hell of a difficult few years and so has my little 8 year old son and his sister . My second husband was dreadfully abusive and we were quite ill by the end of it. Now I am with someone who seems to care about me very much and who really loves me (I know that) but there are some red flags flapping to do with internet porn and maybe some other things too. Because I am perhaps over-alerted to these things I pick up on them, but I also imagine the worst. I know I am in danger of being attracted to charming people who may betray me, lead two lives, are secretive etc – I know loads about myself now after massive help. I have struggled for two years with deciding whether I should find out for sure. A bit of porn is OK, not swinging etc. I want to rely and trust again. Now, in my circumstances where I have faught like a tigress to get mine and my son’s life on track, is it forgiveable to check out his internet activity for a period? I wouldn’t bother again but believe me I need to know. I want to trust him and be happy and I know that this is a dilemma. I also know that open trust is not possible for me without evidence and more than words, because of my history. I also know that instinct is a dodgy thing for me to rely on now as he really could be totally innocent. What do you make of this quandary?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): Porn has been destructive in your past apparently, and many people agree, as it does and has affected lives negatively.
Your red flags are all yours. That's because you associate specific things with his behaviors. This doesn't make you bad or good. It sounds like you believe an investigation into the porn use is wrong, as you wonder if it's "forgivable". Why don't you do what you want to do as long as you are wanting to hurt him.
Your desire to check out the truth is a natural and normal urge given your background. Should you satisfy your interest in unearthing the facts and evidence, the worst thing that can happen is you discover deception, and it could be you're afraid to go the classic bouts of pain with it. On the other hand, if you find only what he claims, you've strengthened your hope that he is whom he presents.
There's nothing wrong with following up on a lead, especially in your case when you are building faith again a day at a time. You deserve to know what's true.
After all, this isn't about you entirely because you've got the weight of an eight year old's well-being on your shoulders, so the mother bear has to do her job.
Just my thoughts.
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