A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 20 years and feel that at least 5 years ago, I lost that loving feeling. I remained in my marriage because it was the right thing to do and I did tell my husband that I was not happy and we did not have what we should feel in our marriage. He agreed but things did not change. Two years ago, purely accidentally, I met a man that became my best friend and even though we had a strong attraction, we remained friends for 2 months. As our relationship progressed, we realized that we started feeling real true love in every sense of the word. We had great communication, compatibility and the passion that you need. We began to grow our relationship despite the obstacles in our way. He is also married for the same amount of time but has kids that he feels have kept him in his marriage for all these years. Recently, our spouces found out about our affair and of course tried to pull us in. He is very confused but we still keep finding a way to feel the love together that we found. We struggle with leaving our marriages because of our strong commitment to that even though we feel something together that we have never felt in our homes. The time we've spent together in the last 2 years has been unbelieveable in what we shared and felt and we both cry because we can't have that freely without feeling the guilt of leaving our marriages and his kids. I know he loves me more than life itself and I feel the same. It is hard to breath somedays without feeling each other out there. We are both in our late 40's and have never thought we would ever do something so wrong but feel what we found is so right. The pain is more than we can deal with being apart every moment and we have shared the good and the bad thru the 2 years together, its not just an ordinary fling for either of us. And we could not be intimate with each other for a long time because we felt it was wrong. But since then, we have been intimate and have grown closer as friends and as loves thru it all. What do we do, how do we feel right about leaving our homes and not throwing away 20 years. We both give each other a happiness that we can't put into words and are truly the same person in our deep love that we give and companionship. Help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I'm going to be the dissenting voice and say go for it, make a fresh start. why not give it a chance together.but don't carry on the affair. Get divorces first and then be together.It's wrong to cheat on your spouse, I think everyone agrees on that.but is it wrong to divorce your spouse? No I don't think it's wrong to divorce your spouse if you honestly and truthfully don't want to be in a exclusive committed relationship with them anymore. Truth is, relationships end all the time. that is a fact of human nature. People change and some times people grow together which is great but other times some times people grow apart or hold each other back.Keeping a marriage together (living in the same house, sharing bank accounts, not dating anyone else...) when the relationship is dead is being dishonest. If your relationship with your spouse was a good one, you would not be even thinking about should you leave them or not, it would be a no-brainer. The very fact that you really want to leave, means you already have the answer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation, 8 yrs married but lucky not to have kids though and I fell in love with my lover while and came to the realization that I wasn’t completely happy in life and marriage. Remember the longer you put off leaving your spouses the longer you put off the grieving period of ending your marriages you both will go through. Right now I'm on that emotional rollercoaster and it’s very tough. Take a hard look at yourself, the toughest thing to do is hurt the people you love. I wish you all the best as you seek the peace and happiness that you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): There is one way to ruin the magic of an affair, whether it has gone on for 2 weeks or 20 years.
That is to get married to each other, and no longer have and "affair" but to have to work on a "marriage".
All you have with "the other man" is an affair, and your husband, and his wife (by the way), simply cannot measure up to this.
So, an easy approach to figuring all this out is to divorce your husband, he can divorce his wife, get filings set up right away, and you two can get married and....
But that won't happen will it? No, either he, or you, will not proceed to that conclusion, and if you do, there is a massive chance that your marriage will end in divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): I want to say I admire the female anon who said she has a loveless marriage, her husband cheated on her, and still she remains married and has refused to give in to temptation herself.That is a very honorable thing to do.However I don't think I myself could do it. I could not stay in a loveless marriage - and personally I don't consider the decision to stay married to someone "love"...it is commitment, yes, but what about feelings of resentment and regrets about paths not taken that surely must surface from time to time?I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving a marriage that has become *chronically* unfulfilling or hurtful (e.g. spouse has cheated on you)....I think there's a difference between normal rough patches in a marriage, versus a never-ending unhappiness and very few good times. I think the effects of remaining in this latter kind of marriage for a long time are so damaging to one's well being. I almost can't blame people for falling into affairs because they feel like trapped animals in their marriages.However I don't condone affairs. I think that falling in love with someone else is a huge wake up call to examine one's marriage. If you are fulfilled in your marriage you would not be thinking about someone else. I think one should assess whether one is hitting a rough spot in the marriage or if the marriage has been chronically unhappy and you just were too afraid to leave earlier for fear of being alone or other fears. if it's the latter, I don't see anything wrong with *finally* admitting that and ending the marriage in an honest way. If this is really that kind of marriage it is, I really don't think that by divorcing and remarrying someone else you are robbing other people of their happiness in order to get yours, because by definition there was NO happiness to begin with, just lies and delusions.therefore, to the OP I urge you to examine your marriage and see what is there - is it just temporary rough path, or is this a huge sign hitting you in the face that you have stayed in the "wrong" marriage for far too long?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): While the two of you met accidentally, you both made the conscious decision to develop a relationship and did not decide early on not to go down that slippery slope. The investment you made to walk into quicksand has you standing in it now... now you are intimate and emotionally connected to someone else... not by accident or design... but by choice.So now, you must examine why you made that choice.We can lose the loving feeling for our spouses, however that is why we take a vow to remain through the good and the bad. You were going through the bad. I realize it can be lonely and it can be very challenging... being married and unfulfilled. I have been married for 15 years and my husband cheated on me.I have been tempted many times to go down that road. Male friends from the past, new acquaintances, etc... When I saw it heading in that direction... I walked away. I shut down communication and kept my nose clean.I, like anyone, could easily wind up precisely where you find yourself today if given the motive and the inclination. We can love many people in our lifetime, but the choice to love has to be one taken with true force of our will and conviction. Love is not merely an emotion or a state of being, it is honoring the life of the other. That is love.The two of you fed and watered this wolf... so there is no wonder that this wolf is strong. You must decide which wolf you want to keep alive... The marriage or the affair partner. It does come down to this.Stories such as yours make me count my blessings for not going down that path... I don't think I could stand the hypocrisy facing my husband or myself. When I saw myself drawn into the idea of someone other than my husband... especially with the hurt following his affair... I shut it down. Walked away and did not cultivate the relationship. You cultivated it... and now you have two men to be concerned about.You must also make a choice. Remember, however, that some choices (as you have learned) lead to outcomes and consequences. Choose wisely. Choose the course of action that you will revere yourself for having taken. Choose the path that raises you up, makes you a better person... the one that speaks to a woman of true love and character...And be honorable to yourself, your husband, your affair partner's wife, his family, and him. There are many people besides of two of you to consider... you must consider whether you wish to live a life with responsibility for harming others for your own happiness. That will be a tough one.You want this man and you enjoy him when you want... but he is stolen goods in a way. Your husband is your husband. Do whatever it is that you can respect yourself for... but remember... do not do anything that you cannot live with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): If both you and your lover know that your respective marriages are long dead or are unhealthy relationships, then I think the right thing to do is to end those marriages. I can't see how staying married while not loving your spouse (or loving them but in a toxic dysfunctional and hurtful way) is somehow "the right thing to do" ESPECIALLY if there are children involved.I've had friends whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. these friends, now as adults, are messed up in some way as far as being able to form stable relationships because of the role models for marriage that they were exposed to as "normal"...many of them are in very unhappy marriages now....on the other hand in my family there have been divorces and re-marriages, we have a complex extended family involving step-siblings and half-siblings, and I can say without a doubt that these people are emotionally healthier and more stable as adults than my friends whose parents stayed together. if it is established that your marriage and his marriage are not healthy, then I think it's far better for you two to be honest about that to your spouses and to leave your marriages and try to start a new life together (despite the hurt that will cause your spouses and his kids) rather than continue your illicit affair. Having one foot in your marriage that you hate and another foot in a not-quite-real relationship is a painful way for you to live and on top of that is deceitful and dishonest to your spouses and you know it. You are lying to your spouses on two counts: that you are honoring marriage vows of being faithful, and that you actually want to be married to them. In the end, if your drive to "stay married because it's the right thing to do" is stronger than your desire to end the marriage, that's a valid decision too but if so then you should end your affair.
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