A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can someone help me to identify what personality trait my mother in law has? She is not a very motherly figure. She has 2 daughter and 1 son who is my husband. She look up on the first daughter as she has luxury lifestyle,but behind that she often lend money from my in law for her husband business. Her husband likes to collect sport car, wear branded goods, and apply that to their kids too. This fisrt daughter and her husband is good at taking my in laws heart. My in law weekness is meeting people pleaser and theyre good at it. My in law bought house and land for them which is at first they said will return the money when their business is going better but i think they wont return it as my in law is kind to them.The second daughter is also trying to be people pleaser to her parent but her husband isnt type of that. So she used her children to take my in law heart. She teaches her kids to be spoiled around with grandparent. While my father in law will lure them with money, my mother in law often say theyre ugly, skinny, having wide mouth, naughty, etc in front of her daughter. With my husband, she isnt concern about my husband health and happiness. Like when my husband works overtime she doesnt care if my husband is too tired or is he healthy. But when she worried, she goes to the extreme. She demand my husband to take the narcotics test because of prank call asking for money. When the result comes out negative, she angryily asked the staff if they lie. And they said if he is guilty he wont be relaxed and what for they lie. My husband is lonely and he denied the fact. But i know how it feels growing up in family like this. There is no love between them. From the outside people might think they have close bond, eating out, gatherings. But when theyre home. All of them would going to bedroom habing their own things to do. I think they wouldnt discuss about their feeling with each other. They cant have a conversation about their issues. His family like to badmouth and gossips. Her mom would always have negative opinion and things to says about other people including her family. To me, she often ignore me when i greet her and says im disrespectful to her. She demands me to be a traditional wife and compares me to her past in the beginning of her marriage. She said she was being bullied by her in laws and cry quietly. She did her best to get respect and compliment from them. And she said she doesnt want to treat me like that which i think she did just not so direct. She said its my destiny once i married to my husband to live like that. Like im not a human with personality and needs. We are just too different and she is dominating. She doesnt want my family to know anything about this.Her relationship with her husband is bad. They often argue and end up with she run from house and father in law threaten to divorce her. When shes back they dont speak to each other for a month. She still want to know her husband whereabout and doing but by asking her children. Not directly. And she get angry if her child dont know where my father in law is. The reason i asked this is because i want to understand more about her so that i know how to deal with her. Its so depressing.
View related questions:
bullied, divorce, her past, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2017):
 You have asked this question so many times now but you have just worded it differently each time. If she is so bad then why live under her roof and eat her food and accept her meals? Go and find a place where you can look after yourself and then nothing will be expected from you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2017): I am of Native American heritage. Indigenous people worship their ancestors and bestow honor and respect among their elders. This is the 21st-century, and times have changed how young people view their parents, grandparents, and old traditions. Your name and what it stands for means a lot to our culture. You want to be held in high regard for what your family (and children) contributes to your country of origin, nationality, religion, and your culture.
You want bragging-rights among your extended-family and neighbors. So you want your family-name associated with success. To carry-on a legacy and tradition. I see this in the culture of my Asian friends; Chinese and Indian. My brother-in-law is Iranian; all his brothers and sisters have several degrees and fancy jobs.
My parents were bi-racial; so there was more than one culture to contend with. One thing that we all have in-common is that our parents expect excellence and achievement. Their love was not conditional or contingent on our success; but it was dependent on our pride, love, and respect for them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2017): They are a dysfunctional-family and there is nothing you can do about that. Stop trying to fix or understand the complexities and flaws in your husband's family's lives. What they do with their money, and who they give it to, is their business.
You're such a little busy-body! You know everyone's secrets!
You seem to know all the details and just about everything going on in your in-law's personal-affairs. How they treat their own children and grandchildren is really not for your concern. They are the matriarch and patriarch of their household; and they rule over their family. They are old-school. Their kids want to gain their favor and approval.
The harder they try, the more favor they get! Maybe your husband doesn't work hard for their approval; so they are more distant towards him.
Parents work hard and do all they can to give their children everything they never had. They make sacrifices for their children; and put up with their disobedience and the public embarrassment they cause. As they grow old, they want something back from their children. They want respect, and they still want parental-power to rule them. They don't want to grow old, and be forgotten or ignored. They meddle in your marriage, thinking they are helping. Mostly just trying to have their own way.
You can have your opinion, but you have no right to judge them so much. In spite of it all, they remain together.
It's how their family works; and you're a little to knowledgeable about personal things like why they are lending money to their other children, and what they do for their grandchildren. You are a little too nosy into their private family-matters. Things that have nothing to do with you, or your husband. You know too much for your own good!
Don't you think your mother-in-law must realize that? She also knows you're judging her harshly! So she doesn't like knowing you are watching every move she makes! You think she is a bad mother. No mother-in-law, or mother, will allow anyone to judge how she treats her children! That's how you make her an enemy!
You have every right to be concerned and upset to see your husband mistreated. They are an old traditional-family, and you haven't described anything that isn't typical of traditional-families. Bossy over-bearing parents, picking favorites among their children, criticizing sons-in-laws and daughters-in-laws. Dangling their purse-strings. Tell me what is different about this family that isn't true in almost all families? Your's isn't perfect. All families have their issues. They function differently, but share similar problems.
Let me ask you this? Why do you and your husband spend so much time dealing with his parents, if they are so awful?
What do your lovely parents do to make-up for how badly his parents treat you both? Do your parents make your husband feel loved and welcome into your family? Why don't you spend more time with your family, if they're nicer people?
Your mother-in-law admitted that she was also bullied by her in-laws. She was offering you an olive-branch by trying to explain why she is the way she is. Letting you know that life has been tough on her; so she is sometimes hard on you too. She has had a very rough life and marriage. Still trying to hold her family together. She gets a little crazy; because that gets harder and harder to do, as all your families grow. They want their children to succeed.
If you stay so much in the middle of their business; you'll get in the way, and you will be caught-up in all their messiness. You will mistake their actions for cruelty or negligence. They may be pushing your husband to be more ambitious and successful. To show himself more respectful and glad to be a part of the family. If he resents his parents, and pulls away; it's hard to show him affection.
If you and your husband become more private, and spend more time with your family; maybe you can enjoy your marriage and your life without dealing so much with their crazy family-life.
...............................
|
