A
male
age
41-50,
*ovato94
writes:Dear Anyone,Well here goes, I'll give you a little background first. I'm 25 and I have only been in love with one girl this was when I was 17, I was with her for 3 years and then we parted separate ways. Since then, I can honestly say that I have been devastated and still to this day I wake up crying sometimes in memory of how beautiful our love was. I have been single for the last 5 years, that is until recently. Here is where it gets a bit tricky. You see my best friend of 20 years (we will call him Sam for this story) was very casually seeing this girl, and by casual I mean he was using her as a f*** doll to put it bluntly. Now he has recently found out that his sort of girlfriend, they have been in and out of a relationship for about 3 years (lets call her Abby) is to give birth to his child in a couple of months. I know he loves her because he has taken her to every fancy restaurant in Australia and has every respect and courtesy for her and has bought her practically everything including a $12000 car. Now on numerous occasions I confronted my best friend and asked him what he thinks about the new girl (well call her Gina) he was casually seeing and he replied "I would marry the mother of my child in a heartbeat before I marry Gina" I think you know where this is going by now. Now I actually asked Gina for her phone number before Sam even met her and she gave it to me, but I never called her because I just wasn’t interested in a relationship at the time. The entire time that Sam was seeing Gina, which was only for about 3 weeks and only on weekends, I kind of felt a connection with her. So one night at a club one thing led to another and Gina and I kissed. I knew it was wrong kissing a girl that my friend was with but for some reason I felt so compelled to do so. For the next couple of hours we kissed and hugged while I was trying to explain to her that this can’t really happen because of my friend Sam. Gina then took matters into her own hands and told me ‘Look I was forced into the relationship with Sam by his Uncle and sister’ with who she worked with, and ‘I never liked him, it was just a way to get over my boyfriend of seven years who I had just broken up with’. Regardless I couldn’t pursue anything with her because I was a loyal friend and I knew that he would probably get upset. Immediately she replied ‘No one has ever kissed me like you’ and I knew the reason why. Our kiss was like our bodies had become one, not only did we kiss but we were breathing each other’s air, like she said it was a hell of a kiss. She told me it was me she liked all along and absolutely loathed Sam and his family.It came to the end of the night and like a gentleman I gave her a lift home. And the whole time she opened her heart telling me how foolish she felt being with Sam, considering how degrading he was treating her. As we reached her house I realised I ought to tell her that our kiss was just a kiss and she was Sam’s girl. So I gave her a hug and said goodbye, but she didn’t let go. I just couldn’t resist any longer I took Gina and in the back of the car we did what we had been dying to do all night. We made love. I didn’t want to keep it a secret although in retrospect I think maybe I should have. I told Sam the next day, and he hasn’t spoken to me in three weeks. In 20 years we have barely had an argument, I knew that this was pretty heavy. In my opinion I think what he is most upset about is his personal image. He doesn’t want to look like a looser in front of his uncle and sister amongst other people he knows. We have never let a girl come between us the whole time we have known each other. We have shared the same girl countless numbers of times even on the same night, I mean we are really not the type to fight over a girl let me tell you. He told me that his reason for being so upset was that he and Gina were serious and because he wasn’t with any other girl at the time justifies him saying that, despite what Gina had said to me about their relationship.Now I would never ever do this but for once I had to swallow my pride and I begged for Sam’s forgiveness and admitted that I was 100% to blame and that I was a bad friend and told him everything else he wanted to hear just for the sake of saving our friendship. I did that because I love the guy that much and my heart was aching with us being at war. So he said ok I forgive you but you can never see her again other wise our friendship was over. Well as complicated as it was going to be I said ok completely knowing that I wasn’t going to stop seeing Gina the only woman that I have had feelings for in over 5 years. What am I gonna do? Now I have to decide between the girl I think I love and life without a best friend. Either way I think I have lost a best friend so either way I’m screwed and I know I’m going to screw up at least one more person’s life that I care about soon. Can’t wait for this Karma to come back and get me.
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female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (23 June 2007):
Good, i think you should definately pursue the relationship with gina. Although you should also be carefull, as she does not sound the most loyal person. xxx Keep us reported and message me if you want to talk.
A
male
reader, lovato94 +, writes (21 June 2007):
lovato94 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLook I have pretty much made up my mind I can't stop thinking about Gina all day long, Im going to pursue the relationship because to be honest I have been so lonely for so long. Fair enough I have had a healthy friendship and good and bad times with my mate Sam but I would be lying if I said that I havn't been yearning for love for so long. Now this may be love and it may be something else, all I know is that at the moment I am under a spell that I havn't felt for a very long time and I am getting quite a rush from it.
After all it has been so hard for me to find someone I could fall in love with as I am so pedantic about the things I like in my women more so about things I dislike.
Like the little girl in the movie THE CROW says "It can't rain all the time". Hopefully my bad luck streak will end with this beautiful Love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): Your 25, you say your been single for the past five years? If this is true and if you haven’t opened your self to other relationships it is worrying that you are comparing feelings a new relationship with a women to a girl who you knew when you were 17.
I think you should peruse the relationship for experience, you definitely need it. It has been years since your last. You have hurt your friend your known for 20years, you have a brothership ask for his forgiveness, man this is over a girl?? You mention at the end of the message another person, but don’t provide details of how your going to screw up their life too, are they also involved with the girl?? They must be significant to get mentioned.
To be honest I don’t see it lasting it has started with drama and will end with drama. You are hurting people and yourself along the way. But have fun while it last and cry after.
Your response?
Phill
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Here is another perspective. Use this as a learning curve to show you exactly the type of person that she is like. She was with your friend and now with you so try being a bit more sensitive to your friend because how would you feel if it was the other way around, regardless of your friends situation.
Is this really love and is she worth loosing your friend over? 20 years is a long time to loose over someone that doesn't appear to hold high morals.
Your thoughts?
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A
male
reader, lovato94 +, writes (20 June 2007):
lovato94 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFisrtly thank you to everyone that has submitted thier advice to my dilemma, I think it is really important to see things from a neutral perspective, especially since people senses of rationality seems to not exist when it comes to love.
Like most of you have mentioned, I have questioned the motives behind Sam's selfish actions towards me during these events and I am hoping that he is just acting out in anger because he is under alot of pressure in his other relationship/s (expecting a child etc). Even if this is not the case I believe that now is my time to be lucky in love after years of heartache.
In light of these things I am still going to be very cautious with Gina, after all she did blatantly disregard Sam to pursue with me.
Sam is in europe for the next 6 weeks, I will report on how things are when he returns. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 If you only "think" you love her...it is not worth it.
As for Sam...do you really think he will be your friend after this, I mean long term?
If your friendship with Sam was as important as you think, you would not be in this situation now.
You have already lost Sam. I would go for the relationship with her...but be warned. It has started out of such drama, that the karma of this is that you will have a hard time trusting her, not to make you her next "Sam".
Good Luck.
-FBK
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (19 June 2007):
 Id broadly agree Jendorset. The bottom line is that from what you are saying although he maybe your friend but Sam isnt exactly treating Gina honourably, and you know it. He's being possesive and territorial and ultimately he has no right because its not as if a) hes in love with Gina and b) you are breaking his heart. Ultimately he is being selfish.
Maybe in a perfect world things would have run more smoothly but the bottom line is that they didnt. If there is something there then I think it would be unwise of you to throw that away on Sam's account. Sam will get together and be happy with this other women and you will be left alone and with nothing if you end things with Gina.
This is going to sound hard-faced but it's times like this that you have to focus on your own happiness and not try to please everybody because that way you will end up pleaseing nobody and be left with nothing. It sounds to me like you deserve some happiness in your life so go for it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (19 June 2007):
First off i think you need to speak to gina, tell her what happend...and ask her if she seriously wants a relationship with you. If she does want a relationship with you, she needs to tell sam that anything they have together is over and there not to have sex with each other anymore and that she has no feelings for him. When shes done that, which she really should if shes serious about you, you should be free to slowly but surely get together. At the end of the day, you need to tell sam that he has no right to try and stop you from being together. He has a baby on the way with a woman he obviously cares about. He gets to be happy so why shouldnt you. Hes out of order and after a while he should accept your relationship with gina. You could always leave it a little while before you tell him your together, but if he doesnt like it it then its his problem.
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