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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend of 5years and for the last nine months fiancee no longer wants sex. we are both in our forties.She does get very tired as she has her own business and several horses. Her day starts at 6am and she gets home at 6pm although this has always been the case since i have known her.Our sex life was ok in the past but not very regular.we dont live together at present and she rarely sees me during the week because she is so tired.we last had sex in nov 04. She had a urine infection after the last time we had sex but has suffered from this in the past.I have suggested we see a Doctor and try using using condoms but this hasnt helped.She knows how much i love and want her as i tell her all the time. We did have a huge row over xmas due to the sex problem and that i am starting to feel rejected.I do all i can and more for her to make her life with the horses easier and less labour intensive.I spend long weekends with her but she just uses the spare time i create to do things with the horses.She has said things will improve in the spring when she does not have to go to the horses twice a day and has booked and paid for a holiday later on in the year but i dont know if that is just a carrot as on our last holiday abroad we had sex most days.Please can you give me some advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): I feel you my brother. My girlfriend of over three years now, has not been the same person I met three years ago. The first year of our relationship was a dream. She made me feel like a king. She would give me oral just about everytime, and when we finished, she sometimes would give me a back rub just to show appreciation. About two years ago, it seems she concsiously made a decision to hold out on me. As if I have been spoiled.
We never have the carefree sex the way we used to. Now, its too cold, im too tired, I can't get into it with the TV on. What?
You know you can turn the TV off any time and i will get the picture, I said. That was three months ago, and she still has yet to turn the TV off. Sometimes, I feel that she just doesnt want it from me anymore. There are times when i would be rejected 5 times in one day!
Maybe i should stop trying. Funny thing, when I concsiously made a decision to stop going after her, things changed. The sexual tension began to grow. I stopped pawing after her, and practically ignored her for about a month. One morning, I wake up and she is going down on me. =)
I honestly believe that women just like to feel that power, the control they have by rejecting us, and making us feel small, less of a man, less desireable and wholy trainable. I will no longer make a pass at her anymore. If this is what it takes to salvage what used to be a good thing, at least let me be a man about it.
So be a man, don't keep naggin her. She will realize when she stopps getting the attention she is used to getting, she will come around. If she does not, you can safely assume that your relationship has reached its pinnacle and is on its way down.
A reader, Starr, writes (5 February 2005): Maybe it's time for some type of intervention.You both need to relax so if you can't have sex on certain nights because she is too tired,maybe you both should just spend some quiet evenings just relaxing when she gets home.Pamper her a little,Let her feel that she is understood and desired and that you want to make her happy in more ways than one.It's quite very simple when you mean good at heart.Spend quiet evenings and hey, you never know unless you try.You could get what you've been longing for in the early morning hours before she gets ready for work.But please be patient she'll come around and in the long run, you'll get what you are deserved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2005): I agree, the horses and her work is just an excuse. But what the excuse is for could be a variety of things. Many women, especially as they age experience low sex drive. This in itself can have a variety of causes, everything from damaging past experiences to low estrogen. One thing she could do is see her physician, who could help her solve and unlock the mystery to her low libido. However, this will only work if she acknowledges there is a problem and wishes to improve it. If she doesn't she could be in denial, find sex uncomfortable, or she could just not be interested in sex with you, but loves you for everything else you do. Whatever the case, I suggest you bring this topic up with her gently and let her know you're concerned with her and love her. All she made need is the extra attention and reassurance. Also, for some women, it takes longer to spark their desire. So something you could try is setting time out before hand, such as an entire night to take things slow. Its cheesy I know, but it works(on women of all ages!). Do the dinner, dancing, bubble bath, erotic massage thing. Just take it slow, give her lots of attention and remind how much you love her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2005): I think it's a mental block in her mind. She would much rather think about work and other things that are more important to her, then to set aside special time to be intamite with you. I'm going through the same thing right now with my fiance. I've known him for 4 years and we have lived together for 2 years. We have sex about once a month, which is really upseting for me. I'm 27 and he is 43 I'm starting to think that age may make a difference in our lives. He told me last year that things will get better this year. Well nothing has changed we have not slept together since X-mas 04. I'm just really confused at this point, I keep bringing it up to him, but it's like he avoids the subject. I don't know I think we should just go our seperate ways and just learn from the experiences we have endured. Good luck.
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