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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So I have been dating a girl for almost 3 years. From day one she was against oral sex, which is fine. But I believed that after dating for a while she would be willing to have sex....3 years later an this has not happened yet. Basically, I am living an asexual life because I cannot be intimate with the girl that I love. I am sexually frustrated and I dont know what to do about it. I am tempted to end the relationship because it's gotten that bad. I will add that we still have a great time together and the intimacy is the only problem. I just want to have a release every once in a while, is there anything wrong with that? She keeps calling me a pervert and I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, PD  +, writes (18 June 2009):
I partly agree with QuirkLady on matter of sex after marriage. Ask her about it. If for whatever reasons, she wants to reserve sex only after marriage, then, respect her wish. This might be the best thing to wait for. Concerning the part of calling you a "pervert", have you ever ask her (in a real serious tone) why she said that? Could it be she just use it jokingly to avoid the topic on sex? Or could it be she's still a virgin? (hence she don't know what other words to use.) Just find out. Have time to talk seriously together not just on this topic but also on many life's concerns. In fact, this will prepare you for marriage and family life (if you two plan to get married in the future).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): The part of this story that disturbs me most is that she called you a "pervert." That's just not loving or funny. It's one thing to not want sex oneself; it's quite another to judge and disapprove of someone else who is expressing perfectly normal sexual feelings for a long-time significant other.
You two need to talk about this, frankly and without judgment. Is there any chance that she was sexually abused or raped at some point? Is she primarily afraid of pregnancy? Is she aiming to wait until marriage? is she disgusted by the cheap sexual liaisons that her friends/roommates/siblings/parents have engaged in? You need to know exactly what the stakes are.
Another thing to consider, especially if your girlfriend is younger than you are: women's sexual feelings sometimes develop later than men's, or more slowly than men's. Some women don't have much in the way of sexual feelings, or at any rate aren't very aware of them, until their 20s. A slow, step-by-step physical exploration would be the best way to address this-- don't try to go right to sexual intercourse if you haven't spent a lot of physical time together first. Girls do need the foreplay.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (15 June 2009):
 There's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex until marriage if both partners agree to it. That doesn't seem to be the case here. She seems like she has an issue with sex as she thinks you're perverted for wanting it. There isn't anything perverted about a healthy sex drive.
Talk to her about it and express your concerns. Ask her if she wants to wait until marriage or if she really feels that sex is not for her. If she has no interest in sex at all, I suggest that you move on and find someone that you're more compatible with, or encourage her to talk to a sex therapist and hang on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, pebble  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 I have to agree with armymedic, if there is no physical intimacy then what separates you from being friends?
It's ok to say not everything revolves around sex maybe for 5 or 6 months but after that... It has to come into it. Part of being in a relationship means being compatible. Being sexually compatible is a must.
Wanting sex from the girl you love doesn't make you a pervert, it makes you a normal man. If she thinks that's perverted she needs to re-examine her views. She is lucky that you haven't strayed from her after so long. I think she has struck gold with you. Not many guys would be so patient and understanding.
I think you would be well within your rights to break up with her now. There is no compramise on her part amd far too much on yours. Hopefully, she'll realise what she has when she loses it.
I would also suggest to her some counselling, of course she won't agree and will argue with you but putting the idea in her head might help her later on when the next guy runs out of patience with her also.
Good luck buddy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): to armymedic - we both have very different views, i can see why 2 years is a long time without being intimate, and we really dont know the background to this posters girlfriend.
i, myself, dont believe in sex before marriage. this doesnt mean i am scared of sex, this means that i believe its something important enough to wait for to share with the man i have vowed to spend the rest of my life with. my boyfriend accepts that too.
to the original poster - if she is scared, it may not be that she doesnt want to be intimate with you, it may just be that shes scared of doing it wrong or it hurting or you not liking it or maybe shes plain embaressed, so perhaps she needs a little guidance.
at the end of the day, i still think the best way is just to tell her how you feel.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (14 June 2009):
 To anonymous it's been TWO YEARS! Not two months, I'm sorry if I think that a lack of intimacy is a deal breaker, but 2 years seriously, I would have binned her after 6 months possibly less. But I understand that we do have a lot of young virgins giving advice on this site, who don't understand adult problems.
But that is my belief I think no sex before marriage is ridiculous, and there is a lot of evidence that people who wait till after marriage are either scared of sex for life or are terrible in bed!
I think our OP has been a fantastic boyfriend for putting up with this as long as he has, and being in your twenties and a long term relationship, I think expecting some kind of sexual behaviour is perfectly acceptable, unless both partners agree to no sex before marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): why does everything have to revolve around sex? why cant you just keep on having fun together, and spend your time with the girl you love?
if she does believe in sex after marriage there is noting wrong with that and you should respect her wishes, especially as you claim you love her !!
however if there doesnt seem to be a real reason why she wont have sex then maybe you could speak to her about how you feel, without demanding you have sex or telling her you will be intimate, but just letting her know your frustrations but you will respect whatever decision she makes.
at the end of the day, you claim you love this girl. sex isnt everything.
armymedic, that was a bit of a pigish thing to say.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (14 June 2009):
I'm going to be blunt, if you are having a great time with each other and no intimacy I would assume you are just best friends! Therefore I would be inclined to go out and try and find a girl who is a bit less uptight about the whole thing.
If you have spoken to her about this and she is absolutely never going to have sex, not even through marriage, I think you really do have to move on.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (14 June 2009):
 I must admit, its abit strange that after 3 years she wont have sex with you, is she religious and only believes in sex after marriage? You really need to talk to her because your both adults and you are definately not a pervert, i think you have waited long enough...im surprised your not climbing the walls.Im also wondering if your girlfriend was sexually abused when she was young or her parents have told her that sex is wrong and dirty? You really do need to have a good chat about this, not short sweet answers....tell her that you love her and you want to express that love, afterall...lovemaking is the most natural thing in the world so talk to her and ask her why she is being so cold with you?
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