A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear AllI have read loads of question /amswers on this site on affairs and alcholics and agree with every one when advised to get out.Well I did get out,but he left me we were together 18yrs i found out he was cheating tryed to forgivre but coundn't forget and that was that.I find it very difficult to move on as if lying cheating drunk don't want me after 18yrs what does that say about me. He's moved on (?) still phones/text we meet up he even comes to stay and then goes back.I have ignored his calls but he keeps on contacting me then backing off. I have told him I will never ever trust him again. I have poured my heart out to him and him to me but still cannot get past this. any advice?
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affair, cheated on me, drunk, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):
Dear All
Point taken thanks for your advice
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 October 2007):
 Honey,
You are ignoring the advice you are being given, and that sadly is to give up. Its hard I know, even when you know the guy is no good, he is a cheater and a drunk. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pining for a man on self destruct mode.
You are worth so much more, and you deserve better. The trouble with being with a guy like that is they wear you down into thinking that you are no good as well. This makes them feel better about there behavour and actions.
At the moment he knows he can crawl to you, and you still have feelings for him. So even if you dont forgive him now, you will still put up with him.
I know its easy to say forget him and have no contact, but the alternative is to have him there and make yourself misserable in the end.
It will be hard to turn your back, but your future will be much better without him.
Think about it XXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Dr PhilYes I agree with everthing you have said and I have told him on many occasions to disappear. The other thing is he's not just doing it when him and her have a fight I know that for sure, I can't understand it yes I am a grown woman I do know the answers (maybe not all of them) I have looked into AA read all the things about drinkers so I know what to expect from him. I also know that his g/f like a drink whereas I don't drink at all (never have) I sometimes wonder how we got through the 18 yrs many folk have said they could't beleive that he cheated on me but he did and is now cheating with me. Is it because we know each other so well is it because he's sorry I don't know as I don't believe a word he says I am crazy i know any advice please.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (1 October 2007):
I think you know the right answer is to move on from him...
But you seem to be fearing that if you do take steps to move on, no one else will want you, because your husband was a alcoholic, lier and cheated on you? That doesnt say anything about you though! You cannot let his bad actions make you feel that you are worthless. Because its not like that at all.
Many great people get cheated on in life, and hurt and treated badly, but it does not mean they are worthless or not good enough for anyone. It just means that the person who did it doesnt have respect for ANYONE and probably has many issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Well, in that case he's just using you for sex and a bit of companionship now and then, probably after he's caused an argument with his other woman after coming home pissed again.
Why do you love a lying cheating b*****d? Don't you get tired of being the victim? As long as you're willing to offer somewhere for him to stick his dick, and that's how he'll see it, he'll keep on coming back again and again ad infinitum - unless you tell him where to get off.
Sorry to be harsh, but that's the way I see it. You risk alienating your daughter, and for what? A legover now and then? Surely you could move on too and find a more responsible bloke who will treat you right. He's out there somewhere looking for someone just like you!
Phil
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A
male
reader, oneday +, writes (30 September 2007):
ask yourself is this worth holding on to? I mean the not forgiving - life is way too short for all this, forgive and move on, for all you know the next guy could be worse. Give him a second chance and mean it - good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Sorry but you need to move on and get him out of your life for good. This situation is far from healthy. Stop pouring your heart out to him and push him to the back of your mind. Get a life of your own. Go out with your friends and in time you will meet someone else. But let this loser go.
Take care
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):
Thanks Phil
This is a lot easier said than done, yes he's the other womans problem now but why does he keep contactin me, he's made his choices. I am ashamed to say I still love this guy we are always intimate everytime we met,I get some sort of evil kick out of it cause he cheated on me. I mean no harm to this other woman I have told her what he is like, I even feel guilty for doing it and promise myself I will not tlk/meet/see him again but its like I get withdrawl sympton and don't feel worthy of anything, then when he call its back to square one. I want out I have ignored him but after a couple of weeks he's back on the phone again. My daighter don't want anything to do with him & don't want me to have anything to do with him either but they have their own lives now and its just me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): He's with someone else now, so why keep coming back to you?
It's time you severed all links with him - he's the other woman's problem now, not yours. After you've made your intentions clear, you'll be able to get on with the rest of your life and hopefully meet up with someone more reliable and sober.
Phil
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):
Just to add this is 5 yrs later to us splitting up we were close for 2 yrs then he moved in with someone else been there for the past 3yrs but still contacts me.
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