A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To what extent are secrets ok in a relationship? Let me explain. I've been with my bf for 10 months. We're both in our early 30s and both relatively good-looking, meaning each of us often get the attention of the opposite sex. He's very sociable, outgoing and love to meet new people. I'm more reserved and quiet. But i guess his personality makes it that he often interacts with women who are indeed into him or hitting on him. Or he will get the attention of women by simply talking to them, which caused a few arguments between us. I think he's decided that i was overly jealous and I found out yesterday that he hasn't been telling me about some of the times when he was at a bar with friends. He said sometimes it's better not to tell me otherwise i would get jealous or we would fight. Since he tells me about the other times he goes for drinks with his buddy and i'm totally fine with it, I'm assuming the times he doesn't want to share with me are when other women are involved. I have a problem with that because i really don't want him to hide stuff from me and not be honest (we talk each night so he would have had to lie about it at some point). I trust him and don't suspect him of wanting to cheat on me or anything like that but this definitely hurts and will make it hard for me to trust him in the future. I told him that it was an issue for me and that i expect honesty from him but he doesn't agree. He thinks he still can't tell me about this stuff. I've heard people say that it's normal to have secrets in a relationship but do you think it's ok for him to not share anything that involves other women? I feel like i would only know what he wants to share but not the whole him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I get attention from guys all the time, even with my husband around. Why? Because I m pretty and have thin waist and big boobs. I know why they are looking at me and talk to me. Am I going to upset my husband with every single conversation I have every day with a few of them? Of course not. I go out once a month with my girlfriends and talk all nite to guys. My husband is not informed about the fact that guys come up to me all nite, he just knows I had a nice time with girls.
You don't bring up things like that to your spouse, it's just not a topic of conversation. You can't even call it a secret. I have to tell him about where I m going because we live together, but if we didn't leave together I wouldn't inform him about every single step I make, and wouldn't expect it from him.
Now, with that said, I also wouldn't hide the fact that I was out with my friends. I also would get a little worried if he HIDES his outings from me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is a tough one OP because it's very possible you become very overbearing and heated when you find out he's been talking to girls in which case I can kind of understand why he would keep it from you. That said I'm not sure keeping it secret is a good way to avoid that kind of issue.
If you trust him then why the fights and jealousy?
You have to reach a compromise here OP. If you want honesty from him then you have to have a better reaction to his honesty. At the moment it's catch 22 he can't win. If he does tell you he's been around girls then you flip out. If he doesn't tell you, you flip out. If you want to change this then you have figure out which you prefer and fully accept that. You trust him so there's no need for arguments or jealousy. If you want honesty tell him you wont be like that anymore.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2012):
 I think the issue isn't the keeping of a secret. It's the loyalty factor involved. He may be trying to avoid arguments with you if you've been onto him for his interaction with women.
As for that, I'd just tell him to talk to anyone he wants as long as:
1. He'd be okay with you having the exact same type of interaction with another man
and
2. He'd be saying the same things to whatever girl he's talking to if you were in the same place listening in.
It kinda takes all the drama out knowing that he could be getting any sort of attention from a girl, yet he has you in mind and acts like you're right there with him when he talks to her. It's not cool and is disloyal if he's flirting all over the place in order for his ego to lap up the attention.
You've gotta be comfortable knowing that these women could be all over him because he's gregarious (many people in sales are..sometimes it is just an extrovert's nature), yet he shows no interest in them. You can't be insecure about that. You must be secure in knowing that he could have had anyone, but he chose you and you're worth it.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 My husband definately doesn't tell me all the play-by-play stuff that goes on in his day when I'm not around. oes it bug me? Sometimes. But I've tried to be adult about it and realize I don't tell him every play-by-play either. If you really trust him then you have to let some things go. I don't think it's fair to assume we ever really know exactly everything that goes on when we're not together. Does he bump into an old FWB when he's looking for movies at Hastings? Maybe. Is he gone for several unexplained hours? No. Do the girls in his office tease and flirt with him sometimes? Yes. Has he ever met them for lunch or drinks? No. So it's all a balancing act. BTW I also don't tell him that I called my ex-husband to wish him a happy birthday because I know he's lonely and hasnt gotten over our divorce. I didn't tell him that I bumped into an old boyfriend one afternoon at a benefit party and we hugged and talked about our lives for 30 min. Because nothing else happened and to bring it up might suggest otherwise. You wlll never know 100% about anyone. You just have to trust based on the whole picture.
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