A
female
age
41-50,
*andomnickname
writes:My boyfriend and I are together 3 years. We moved in together 4 months ago. He is unemployed about 2 years and hasn't really put much effort into looking for a job. When we moved in together his unemployment benefit got reduced but my salary is pretty good so we knew we could afford it. Although, it had been agreed he would start seriously looking for a job. I know it can take ages to find a job but he promised he'd be actively looking for employment within the first month of us moving in together. 4 months later and he hasn't even sent in one job application and I'm really starting to have a major problem about paying so much more than him. I feel like he's not serious about getting a job and I've lost faith in him too. I don't know if I can believe what he says his plans are anymore. When I try to talk to him about it, he says I'm pressuring him and gets so upset. I didn't bring the subject up until about a month ago, so I gave him 2 extra months to get going. I think there are more issues under there but he won't open up and I don't know what to do. He takes up a lot of space in our small apartment. He has his own "work room" while I have no room or space that's designated for me and I'm really starting to resent it. I can afford to keep paying what I am now, I can keep this apartment on my own but then at least it would all be my space. I'm tired of spending so much money for him. How can we progress? I know I can't change him, he will only change when he wants to but how can I talk to him without upsetting him? How long do I wait for him to change? Can I believe his promises?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): I had a guy like this before. The first year we were together he had a job, and even supoorted me when I got laid off and was looking for more work. But I was actively looking and found work after about 6 weeks of looking. He then got fired and I was happy to support him like he did me. But then six weeks turned into six months, and buy that point he wasn't even bothering looking. I used to ask him to clean up around the house and the like when I was at work, but he would ust sit around playing computer games. He used to get mad at me when I asked him about finding work and he could manipulate it so I would feel bad for pressuring him. This went on for 3 more years, and we ended up engaged (I paid for my own engagment ring since he couldn't afford it). That got me thinking if I wanted to spend the rest of my life supporting him, and I dumped him. Yeah, it hurt, but having moved on I can only say I am so glad I got out of that when I did. You should too.
This guy is using you. If he really loved you, wouldn't he make the effort? You deserve better - move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Why you would wait until AFTER he moved in to get a job after 2 years of not having one I don't know. Watching him for 2 years not take it seriously COULD have tipped you off or something. Will he change? Probably when people stop supporting him and he HAS to work to survive.
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