A
male
age
30-35,
*D1129
writes:In order to get my point across I have to tell the whole story, sorry if this is long:/So I come from a history of girls ruining me. Well, just one actually.. She was my first and i had strong feeling for her. In short, everything she told me was a lie and ended up sleeping with my bestfriend too. I handled the situation very badly. This only further perpetuatd my trust issues and left me in a place where i couldnt trust women. I'm a firefighter in my city. one day my friend from the fire dept invited me to his firend's house cause she was having a get together. She was amazing! in every way! Me and her hit it off and had a great time talking. Only she had a boyfriend :/ I decided not to get down about it, so i didn't, I pretty much forgot about her and moved on.Eventually I settled down and took a girlfriend. But of course i never fully trusted her. In fact i cant even tell you why i started to date her in the first place cause my feelings weren't that strong. During this time i had a major knee operation with complications and my parents were having a messy divorce. Needless to say, very very stressed out. One day out of the blue... the girl from the party friended me on Facebook. I was happy to hear from her. We started talking every day and eventually started to hang out. She confided in me. Her boyfriend of 2.5 years wasnt being good anymore, she wasnt happy. As is turns out, Her parents love her boyfriend almost to the point of them forcing her to be with him. However, she did still have very strong feeling for this guy even though he treated he badly.We fell in love! thats the only way i can put it! Neither of us said it but we knew it was there. We hung out alone almost everyday and things couldn't be more perfect. It was amazing in every way. The best part was I even trusted her. Her father was an alcoholic and beat her, Her parent got divorced and her mother married another man who abused them both. Physically and verbally (no i am not exagertaing). Cause of this we connected, we talked, we laughed we cried, and we looked to each other for help. All the while under the noses of the the people we were in relationships. She told me that she needed me in her life because i was so close with her helped her with just about everything on a daily basis.Anyways, our relationship grew as did our feeling for each other to the point where our hugs goodbye would last for minutes. Had to restrain myself from kissing her everytime i saw her. Crazy how two people can have such a connection. And yes, we did confess our love for each other but just for the record she did it first.I couldn't take it anymore. I never cheated but i felt like i was. I broke up with my girlfriend for various reason... my love for this girl being a major one. In a crazy coincidence her and her boyfriend had a fight and went on break that same night. We chilled at our friends house, stay up late and drank a little and had a very very fun. later me and her sat alone on the floor and talked to each other. Once again finding comfort in one another. She slept near me that night. After everyone passed out I came closer to her and started touching a little bit at a time. First a foot. Then a leg. Then a hand. Then we kissed. It was amazing. For hours we talked, layed together, and explored eachothers bodies. It felt like we had been waiting forever for this to happen. She even started to cry she was so happy. I Swear some of you are probably thinking im making this stuff up.She said we were going to take things slow and I agreed that we should. We were close as can be. After a few weeks however things started to go south. I had underestimated the amount of attachment one person can have after a 2.5 year relationship. And remember, her and her boyfriend arent officaly broken up yet, They're only on break! So what happens? well they tried to officaly break up but she got too emotional and they got back together. I gave her my advice as normal and she heard me and understood that she made a mistake. She actaully cried cause she was upset they got back together. Background on her: Comes from a bad and abusive family life growing up in horrible condition. It screwed with her head. shew scared of being alone and has a very close relationship with her mother. As tough as she is, at times one can equate her to being a scared puppy..when times get tough all she wants to do is run back home and find things that she knows and is comfortable with. In short she is not fully stable per say.Back to the story... they got back together. All they did was argue and fight. Three days later they officially broke up. She wanted it, he didn't. I was happy about this and i thought we could finally be together. Once again we were happy as clams :) loving and kissing and spending lots of time together. I grew to depend on her to keep myself happy. When people started to find out about us they werent happy. Everyone was against us being together exept and select few. It felt like it was us against the world. During this time I sacrificed a lot to be there for her. He ex boyfriend also started texting her too. It got to the point where she felt trapped and was being pulled on from every angle. But still her and I were together and we did our best to make it work. She only became more stressed out and worried. All of these problems were solved and we were in what looked like smooth sailing, but still she wasnt ok. I had to do somthing, I told her to take two days off of each other, clear our heads and see where we stand. This was a terrible idea... She hates to be alone.. so what happened in those two days? She started talking to her ex again. We never fully recovered from those two days. She told me she needed to take time and see what was really right for her. So for a month, we hung out everyday on the weekend and things were semi normal. Then during the week she hardly talked to me and i was left worrying and confused as to why she was doing this to me. Things were great one day, terrible the next. She loved me, then we didnt talk. We kissed and cuddled, then we she acted like she barely knew me. The stress of the situation was driving me insane. But I had the mindset that she just needed time off...after all, she had just gotten out of a 2.5 year relationship. I would try to hold her and cuddle with her and she would just inch away from me... It hurt! So Christmas Eve I start asking her questions and she tells me we need to be just friends, that her life in terrible right now and worrying about a relationship isnt what she needs. I was insulted, hurt, upset, and angry but i took the high road and told her ok. The entire time ive always told her to do what was best for her and what made her happy. Still i was so upset she had said that to me. After everything, everything that we had been through and all i had sacrificed for her we had to be just friends!On Christmas day i was told by her friends mother that she had gotten back with her boyfriend. Why? why would she get back together with someone that everyone knows isnt right for her? Why didnt she tell me they had been back together for a week? was she planning on telling me at all? I was so angry with her. After all we had went through she just decieded to go back to him. She claimed they broke up for no reason and that he deserved a second chance. She couldn't go on without knowing whether or not it would actually work between them. That night i said a lot of nasty and mean things to her and made her cry. I said them cause they were the truth and because i was crying too. People put all sorts of ideas in my head.. she never loved you, she manipulated you, she used you. And yes, based on the things that had been going on prior to her and her ex getting back together i was inclined to belive some of these things. She later said that she wasnt ok, that she needed to talk to me about what had happened to smooth things over. Picking her up i had no intention of being her friend again...I hated her, she done almost the same thing that the other girl had done to me. But when i saw her face i couldnt be mean, i couldnt get mad at her, i couldnt speak my mind and say how i really felt because when i look at her i see a scared girl. Someone who is afraid of life and of disappointing people. Someone who i still love. If she was a normal girl id never talk to her again. but shes not, because shes unstable i cant get mad at her.Towards the end of our talk we were perfect friends again, I dont know how it happened but it did. We would try to be friends and we would still be there to support each other. I was fine with that then. But now its more than three weeks later and i dont know what to do. I love her. I need her. I want her back. Now ive been thinking of all these things i want to say and questions i need answered. Last time i asked her she said she wasnt over me either but im not sure how accurate that is. She has another person in her life now. Someone who can love her and be with her, basically... someone besides me.Because of that, its gunna be a lot easier for her to get over it. Since I'm not over it i take everything she says and does personally and I get offended by it. We’re still friends but its a little touchy, we still confide in eachother and look to each other for help but for me its not the same. Somtimes we talk all day, others only a fews texts. I want to be with her all the time. I just want to know what shes thinking about everything??? Now shes telling me things with her and her boyfriend are bad but she wont go into detail.Not sure if I should ignore her and get over it cold turkey. Say how I feel and hope that helps my own hurt. Suck it up and be the best most understanding person i can be to a girl who's had a very hard life.I don't know what to do
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alcoholic, broke up, christmas, divorce, facebook, fell in love, get back together, got back together, her ex, kissing, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LoloLove +, writes (1 February 2012):
I am so sorry for you. I have been in the same place as your girl with my first love. I would reconnect with him when I was having a fight with a boyfriend then make up with said bf. I told myself we were star crossed lovers & true soulmates but never even acted toward making the break because the future life factors (money, future kids) were not there with the ex, even thogh I truly love(d) him. Therefore I was just fantasizing & asking him to comfort me. Yes, this situation can really get dragged out. Remember that the fastest way to get over heartbreak is to fall in love again. Meet a sweetheart who lives for you. Yes, she is out there.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (19 January 2012):
 You seem to have mis-stated your age...
Anyway, you have clearly entered into a co-dependent relationship which is not healthy for you. She seems to - and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that it may not be conscious - be using you rather than loving you.
Try to get out of it. Cold turkey or otherwise, I don't know what would work for you.
Love will happen again if it's meant to, but this woman doesn't seem to be the one for you, at this stage in her life.
If at all she gets out of the relationship with her man, let there be a three month cooling period before you try to date her.
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A
female
reader, aunt_dommo  +, writes (19 January 2012):
its understandable that, since you let your self go and fell in love, you grew very dependent on that person. It's a classical trap of falling for "emotionally unstable girl with hard life". I heard many stories like this and saw people getting trapped because they consider person they fell for inadequate, weather like. Like a cat. She's a cat, what can you do? Must you be angry with a cat if it likes some other person and not you? Same here, all you see is illogical irrational force, a girl with big eyes who's scared and unable to make up its own little petty selfish mind because of all the anguish she went through and lack of experience.
Now, one point I should make that in following all that through you miss one giant idea - idea of loving your self. I loved many people and fall in love easily, but I never seemed to manage to love my self. It's a huge giant mistake and it's a turn off for conscious and unconscious (that, being like your girl) people.
So if you want to get her you must first love your self.
Second is work ethics. You must be able to hold your balls and never give in, give up, or change from the coarse of action.
Third, you will have to erase all that love you have for her, as in, completely close your self off that constant nagging and wishing of her being close. That's where work ethics comes in. If you are unable to do so, might as well not read further.
Now, when you are ready for all these things, we must now do some seduction works.
0) disappear. Learn to live without her for 2-3 weeks. Maybe 4 weeks. Until you don't feel need to text or call her. Usually by the end of 3 weeks you'll be depressed and exhausted and she'll be happy sense she's not alone, you are alone and hurt! Suck it up!
Suck it up!!!! No replies or pussy whine. Non of that.
1) When you are ready to face the beast again, you must assume a friend position, but not "I love you" friend who's in the friend zone. No. A buddy who she has splendid time with, unassuming, lighthearted, easy to be around, but somewhat cold, somewhat distant, somewhat uninterested.
She's gonna try to seduce you again! She will hit you at the most emotionally vulnerable parts, make puppy eyes, remember the good old, touch unassumingly etc. She will be truly dangerous. Every time that happens (and yes it definitely will), get bored of her. Get mad at her. Find her uninteresting and predictable. Make her uncomfortable and feel awkward. Make her feel as if she has no idea what she's talking about. Don't act seduced, act like you don't want her but like talking to her.
Basically here you establish normal untainted mental connection and declare freedom. But get bored. Always get bored quickly. And quickly find something else interesting besides her. ADD is the best way at this stage.
2) you start dating around. Not fall for someone, but just went with one girl to the movies, invited other to the coffee, 3d to the park. Tell her how those other women are, put them as the example, make her chaise the ideal of what your after. But subtly tell her how alike you are. Every chance you get her and how you love her for what she is. In fact, tell her you love everything about her, but, then, in the sense of not true love between man and woman but in a sense of friendship and likeness. Don't be too straightforward, again, subtle, unassuming, light:
Oh I love what you say! Oh, I get it! Oh I understand you, it seems, better than anyone else! Seriously, you're like a female prototype of me! Haha!
That kind of thing. Now, i know what you're thinking. It's fake. It is. Seduction is fake. But if you want her and she's like weather, that's the only way. And it's the only way that would truly work.
2) become her savior. Not in a romantic sense. In that sense you already are: she's utilizes you as a good shrink! But that's not the way we need the things to be. You must turn it into the context of you giving her a GIANT favor of helping you out. She must feel ashamed of putting her problems on you. You give her favor and must feel that way. If you don't, disappear again! Until you do!
You should also tell her how girls you date deal with those things. Come up with stories as necessary.
and constantly remind, subtly insinuate: What the hell would you do without me? How are you going to communicate with any other guy, no one gets you like I do!
Dude, you're welcome!...
Call her dude actually.. haha
or bro. :D
But again! All that is bluff. Inside of you you've shut it down. You no longer feel or longer, need or want. You're not serious, but playful and flirty. Just like with the case when you tell her you love what she says, you must not really be serious. You must not feel the love.
She'll do anything to make you feel love again. Every time that happens, remember, your new mantra is boredom. She bores you every time she does it. You see past her, like in chess. She's too primitive and selfish to do something decent instead.
Now again, i know what you're thinking. She's through so much, why be mean. Well, you're not being mean, since you wish her best actually. If you get her, you won't be cheating or abusing her mentally or physically! You're a good guy who's gonna make her happy if everything goes as planned. And no other way would it go right. I know.
Note, you must not stop seeing other girls at this point. Casually.
3) Broke it off for couple of weeks again. Get into one of the girls you date, spend a week with her just having sex. And remember, work ethics. You must shut off anything related to that girl. Completely. And preferably have fun in the process.
4) Meet her at some gathering with the girl you've just spent couple of weeks with. See how you feel about the whole thing, but try to assume the 'meh' kinda attitude toward both girls ;)
Flirt with some third girl, see how second reacts, maybe you like her better now?
That's usually the case. If not, reassess and read Robert Greene "Art of Seduction"
You are now ready for it.
Most likely at this point as well the girl will get emotional toward you. She will constantly be reminding you of how such a splendid times you had and how she loved being around you. Confront at this point. Tell her she plays double games and you would never want something like this done to you, if you are her boyfriend. She wants you and with her boyfriend simultaneously? You must freaken respect your self, yo!
Tell her to suck it up or break up and be straight with her. It'll take her some time but she'll come around if she really feels what she tell you. If not, ef it.
cheers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): I think I would just want to be her friend, and maybe she only wants you as a friend to talk to, sounds like she has some serious issues and not too stable but feel comfortable talking with you as a friend.I dated this guy for about 2 months, he's a very nice guy, did lots of nice things for me and I would do anything for him but one thing, I didn't like him in that way, when I spent the night with him I couldn't wait to get home, this went on for about 2 month and I broke down and told him that I didn't like him that way and that we can be friend so we are still the best of friends and not sleeping friends.Take Care
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 January 2012):
 Minimum age for firefighters in the US is 18. You have your age listed at between 16 and 17.
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