A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So lately I've been feeling really guilty and it's not all the time. It's just when I'm alone. Which is becoming much more frequent. I haven't cheated and I haven't even flirted with anyone. I'm not even sure if I would feel confident flirting anymore (I used to be real good at it). I've been dating this guy for a year and a half and we have had our ups and downs, but regardless, whenever I needed him, he was always there. And sometimes he drives me up the wall with certain things he does just to annoy me. While other times he can be extremely sweet. However lately he has been very distant and I get it, he works, not to mention he has school. And I brought it up to him that I felt lonely. And it shouldn't be days in between seeing him. And most of the time he just expects me to be waiting for him when he gets home from work. and that is not me. I am torn because I am 19, and i feel like I want someone I can rely on, but I don't want someone that doesn't appreciate me. I'm not the girl to sit around an wait all day. I need someone who is going to surprise me, and do thing just to make me smile randomly and treat me like I'm special, not just normal. And he doesn't think I'm normal because the one time we did break up he was devastated.He recently bought me a promise ring (only because i told him I thought they were cute, and after the fight of him calling them stupid and me getting offended) he came in and bought me whatever ring I wanted. But I don't know if he did that because that is what how he feels or just to get out of the doghouse. He loves me, he really does. There is no doubt in my mind that he is convinced that he won't love anyone else. However sometimes I just want someone to make me feel special again. You know, leave roses on my doorstep, write attempts at poetry, and buy me a promise ring because he wants to, not because we fought about it. And sometimes I am extremely happy knowing that there is always someone that is there for me. I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 October 2012):
 "He recently bought me a promise ring (only because i told him I thought they were cute, and after the fight of him calling them stupid and me getting offended) he came in and bought me whatever ring I wanted. But I don't know if he did that because that is what how he feels or just to get out of the doghouse. "
He wanted out of the dog house. Your description of the relationship is contradicting itself. On the one hand he loves you, on the other he doesn't think you're anything special at all and leaves you hanging, doesn't respect you, intentionally does things to make you angry etc. Like a brat, an immature little brother. And then he warpes back into being a loving boyfriend occasionally.
I've been in a relationship that was amazing when the man wanted to be nice, and then when he didn't want to play nice any longer it was hell. He would flip 180 degrees on me, often randomly, for no reason. He'd come off as this loving and cuddly guy that I could feel secure with, only to push me away once I got comfortable, pull the rug away from under my feet, and then he expected me to blindly trust him again afterwards just because he said "sorry".
Guys who are inconsistent are NOT boyfriend material. Guys who are GREAT the one day and complete A-HOLES the other are not boyfriend material. If there's one thing I've learned it is that consistency is crucial. I need to know where I have the man, if I can trust him, what I can expect from him. I can't be in a relationship with a ticking bomb who is great and then suddenly he isn't great any more.
You can't be in a relationship with someone who claims to love you and then deliberately does things to upset you. You see how contradicting that is, right? You're seeing "love" the wrong way. It doesn't prove that he loves you if he cries after you break up with him. Crying is the easiest form of manipulation, and more often comes from SELF PITY than from "love". He felt sorry for himself, so he cried, and you misinterpret that to mean he loves you.
If you have to fight with the guy in order for him to do something nice for you.. then is it really worth it? I think you're feeling guilty because this man has manipulated you for a long time now. He wants you to sit and wait for him, and he makes you feel like a bad person if that's not what you want. You want to get out, but you feel guilty because you believe that he loves you and don't want to hurt him. You're a nice person, of course you don't want to hurt him. But if he loved you and treated you right, after you've told him what bothers you over and over (and he has completely ignored and disrespected that), then what else is there to do? He's been given the choice: either treat you like you need to be treated, or the relationship ends. Ultimately he is the one who has made the choice to not lift a finger to make the relationship improve. Do not feel guilty then for leaving.
"There is no doubt in my mind that he is convinced that he won't love anyone else."
That is HIS problem, and HIS conviction. You are not legally bound to stay with him just because he thinks he can't love another woman again. This is classic emotional blackmailing. No man or woman can NEVER love someone else again. We're not robots, we heal, we move on, we are capable of loving more than one person. But he only says this to manipulate you, to make you stay, to make you feel guilty if you don't stay because he has somehow linked himself to you for all eternity. But this is BS. If it was actually true then he would have proposed to you long time ago. Yet he found the idea of promise rings stupid.
He's perfectly capable of finding someone else to love after you, and maybe next time he'll know to treat them right. But he wont ever learn unless you end it with him, stand up for youself, and show him that this isn't what makes you happy.
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