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female
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*jfowkes1975uk
writes: I have been with my man for 4 years and married for a year and a half, things have gone a bit stale to say the least, we are not even having sex anymore. I have tried many times to sort things out with him and have discussed with im at length, I asked him to move out last november which he did for about a month we talked again and decided to give things another go! things were great for a while but things have gone back to being boring etc. I have tried i really have but he seems to just go with what i want all the time, at home he always seems tired and we dont seem to do anything together anymore. its like living in the same house doing seperate things (unless i instigate and make firm arrangements to do stuff) I do love him but am no longer in love with him. I know he is happy to be with me forever and that he does love me but im 31 he is 43 and he seems happy just to plod along i am not, i have 3 kids from a previous marriae and they love him too i have recently been in touch with an old flame who i have known for 15 years who again we have a laugh do fun stuff and are best friends but with him i feel we are more than friends and if it was anyone else that had come back into my life i would not be thinking of them romatically even though things arent right between my husband at the moment, i just cant get this other guy out of my mind. ive spoken to my best friend and she says go with my heart and my mum says the same, but im scared ill make the wrong choice for me and my kids and hurt too many ppl in the process. What do i do??? and how do i know my friend really wants to be wtih me and is just backing off a bit cos im married? cos when im with him its like we are a couple and anyone who saw us out who didnt know us would look at us and assume we were together.Your help on this would be appreciated i know what i want but am confused about how to go about it. thanks xx
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female
reader, sjfowkes1975uk +, writes (13 May 2006):
sjfowkes1975uk is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dr Psych
Its hard to explain but i will try my best, the other guy was the love of my life late teens early 20s we split for silly reasons i moved away and put him to the back of my mind although never forgotten tho! i since then got married 1st time around had 3 kids but always since thought i was settling for 2nd best and never quite have had the same relationship since. My current marriage isnt the best and hasnt been since my old flame came into my life again (as friends ) last year. so my marriage probelms arent as a result of this other person. Now if i hadnt met up with my old flame i would still be feeling this way i know it! and its not as if i feel attracted to anyone else or am looking for anyone else. and am certainly not asking my old flame to get married and settled down. To have him in my life and see how we progress is all im asking. I could just stay with my current husband and have a boring life or i could follow my heart and make a go of it with my old flame? my old flame knows im married and although we have always been and always will be best friends its more than friends just without sex even though at times we speak about it sometimes. im babbling again i know but am confused as to what do i do for the best do whats best for my family and feel unhappy and live with regrets or do i follow my heart?
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (13 May 2006):
 It sounds like you are having marital problems and these should be kept separate from any feelings you may have for the other 'friend' who is obviously an exciting distraction. Whats more, getting into a new relationship just to get out of a marriage that isnt working is not a good idea as it can get very messy. It sounds like you need professional marriage counselling with your partner. This is not just for you but as a divorce can be unsettling for your kids too. If your marriage really isnt working then separate, but don't jump onto another relationship until you have sorted your head out over your feelings about the marriage etc.
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